Friday, November 23, 2012

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (Nov. 23)

Happy Turkey Day (an expression I hate), F-Heads! Because no one's at work/on their computer today, let's keep this light. Here are three (because I'm lazy, but remember when only three was the norm?) trailerz for Thanksgiving-themed (using that statement loosely) movies. Check out last year's nostalgic previews here.

Miracle on 34th Street
Release date: May 2, 1947

This trailer is crazy, and a self-contained narrative in and of itself. Clocking in at just over five minutes (the 1940's -- what a decade!), it features a behind-the-scenes discussion of how to properly "sell" the film. A marketing executive is confused by the words, "Hilarious!" "Romantic!" and "Delightful!" HOW COULD IT BE ALL THREE?! He storms out of the screening room and wanders the studio lot, listening to a bunch of busybodies ham-fistedly tell him how great the movie is. "I laughed!" "I cried!" "It was groovy ("Because I was tripping on LSD" -Cary Grant)!" Then he decides to watch the entire movie himself FOR THE FIRST TIME. He falls in love with it (rightly), and so will you! Now, I know what you're thinking: "Doug! This movie is about Santy Claus! What's it got to do with Thanksgiving?!" A very good point ... for a numbskull! Miracle on 34th Street takes place right after New York City's famous Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. So, you know -- relevant! Ya just been F'd.

Release date: June 23, 1995

One of the last of Disney's second "Golden Age" of movies (and 33rd total full-length animated feature!), this trailer appears to be for a much better film. A couple of good songs, sure, but the animation looks sloppy (compared to previous "Disney Renaissance" entries) and the story is LAME. Even Native Americans hated Pocahontas -- Chief Roy Crazy Horse (not made up) criticized it as historically inaccurate and offensive. So there's that. Still, CUTE RACCOON! I'm surprised serial racist Mel Gibson chose to play opposite an American Indian "savage"; however, perhaps he took the role because, later in life, Pocahontas converted to Christianity, took the name Rebecca and renounced her tribal ways. Also, she was a big fan of Tequila Sunrise. Last thought: is having a Native American character/plot all a movie needs to be considered an appropriate celebration of Thanksgiving? Seriously, I'm asking.

Grumpy Old Men
Release date: Dec. 25, 1993

What the hell is this preview? It looks like a student film featuring some hack's dad and uncle arguing in the snow-covered yard on a gloomy February afternoon. That's pretty much the whole thing! Oh, and Ann-Margret looking NOT VERY GOOD. And who does this film appeal to? I get that there are (WERE) diehard Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon fans (the latter more so than the former), but was anyone really clamoring for a movie featuring them as old men acting grumpy? What a weird concept ... that was successful and spawned a sequel! GRUMPIER Old Men! Get it? You get it. I don't get it. Really, I don't. This looks awful. And sad, I might add. Because aging is horrible, and now both stars are dead. Ugh, I'm depressed. I need something WEASEL-related to cheer me up.

BONUS TRAILER! (remember this?)

Son in Law
Release date: July 2, 1993

Sure! Why not?


  1. Yes! I instantly like people who don't enjoy Pocahontas. What a snorefest. Obviously I already liked Doug before this. (As evidenced by all the fan fiction I wrote.)

    1. Aha! We finally know who the "Anonymous" is who wrote that classic online tale "The Sexy Adventures of Doug and his Super-Hot Best Friend"

    2. My secret is revealed! I hope nobody finds my Patrick fanart.

    3. I believe it's called "Slash" fiction.

  2. Wait, I thought Mel Gibson only hated Jews. Well, Jews and PACKS of n****rs, I guess.

    Aw, now I'm sad. I've been rewatching the Lethal Weapon series lately and he seemed like such a fun guy back then.