Friday, February 1, 2013

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (Feb. 1)

Are you sufficiently jazzed about #FThisMovieFest yet (details here)? If not, you probably just need to check out the trailerz for the five featured movies, below. Special thanks to the Chicago Reader, Gapers Block and Chicagoist for showcasing our one-of-a-kind event on their websites. Thanks guys/gals!

The Last Boy Scout
Release date: Dec. 13, 1991

I originally saw this movie on home video (whuuu?) at my "girlfriend's" house on a hot summer night in 1992. I was wearing black cutoff sweatshorts and a bright purple Colorado Rockies T-shirt (the newest team in the MLB [along with the then-Florida Marlins], FYI). I don't remember exactly what she was wearing, but I want to say ... overalls? 1991! My mom drove me over, as this girl -- let' call her SHANA BLACK -- lived on the other side of town. Shana Black was special because, at 13, she seemed more like she was 18. Grown up, womanly, boobs. And I, being a late bloomer, looked more like I was nine or 10. Shana Black put the tape in the VCR (whooo?), pressed play and proceeded to sit on my lap. Because she looked older, she was also bigger than me. I'm not saying Shana Black was heavy, but she probably had me beat by about 20 pounds (I was a stick [... with an attitude]). What I'm trying to say is that my legs fell asleep before the end of the opening sequence (i.e., the famous scene in which receiver Billy Cole pulls a gun and shoots the other team's defenders [including, in an ironic twist, at least two safeties]). "Ain't life a bitch?" Because my feet were tingling, I had to ask Shana Black to move. Sensing my discomfort, she quickly dismounted, and suggested we move to her parents' screened-in back porch. You know, ROMANTIC. I obliged, having NO IDEA that a.) hanky panky might ensue, and b.) we probably weren't going to finish watching The Last Boy Scout. We sat next to each other on an uncomfortable wicker loveseat. It was humid outside, and I started to sweat. She turned on some sappy music -- probably smooth jazz or soft rock. Something terrible. She sat down next to me. She looked in my eyes. She smiled. Braces. I probably did too, but I can't remember (I got my braces in 1993, so I'm sure I smiled with my mouth closed [summerteeth]). She asked me if I wanted to dance. I said no. She turned away. She mouthed the words to the song playing in the background. She looked at me at me again, moving closer. Then, she closed her eyes and tilted her head (ever so slightly) to the side. I seized the moment -- which, for me, was alien -- and went in(!). What followed was ... QUITE POSSIBLE THE WORST FIRST KISS YOU CAN EVER IMAGINE. I don't know if she had previously kissed a guy (or guys), but she definitely knew more about Frenching than I did. Me? I was an embarrassment. A disgrace! I closed my eyes, and started swirling my tongue around like an animal. Not only that, I'm 100 percent sure that I bit her lower lip. Let me say that again: I BIT. HER. LIP. Not hard (no blood or anything), BUT STILL. She instantly reeled back, startled. Seeing the shock on my face, she assuaged my feelings (like a saint). "It's OK," she said, gently. IT'S. OK. Biting your date is OK. You got that, first-time kissers? I was horrified. There sat Shana Black, pretty and innocent and hopeful, and I ruined the night with a clumsy, blundering smooch. I scooted back a few inches, lowered my head and suggested that her mom drive me home (no easy escapes when you're a tween). That seven minute car ride felt like an eternity. Silence. Awkward small talk. Then a quick wave goodbye. But ... a silver lining! Sure, it went horribly wrong, but I did it -- I had my first kiss! I can't even begin to describe the shared feeling of disgust and relief I experienced that night. Disglief! Regust! However, the date DID end badly, and I felt like I had to do something to save my pride. So, I called my friend Jason (he of American Pie podcast fame), and instructed HIM to break up with Shana Black for ME. OVER THE PHONE. Like a gentleman. A few days later and Ghost Protes (Mission: Accomplished). I was a free man, untethered by the societal stigma of never having kissed a girl -- nay, a WOMAN -- regardless of how awful it actually was. The only downside? I never got to see the rest of The Last Boy Scout. Until tomorrow, that is! So you can see why I'm excited. THIS FESTIVAL IS ABOUT ME!

The Rocketeer
Release date: June 21, 1991

I won't bore you with another long personal anecdote. Instead, listen to Patrick and Alex gush over Joe Johnston's 1991 superhero effort, the state of comic book movies and the sad decline of Jennifer Connelly's otherworldly hotness, here.

Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey
Release date: July 19, 1991

Some people have questioned why we included a "lesser" movie from 1991 like Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey in our festival lineup. Aside from the argument one could make (read: PATRICK) that the sequel is actually superior to the first film (at least as far as ambition is concerned), let me answer any skeptics out there thusly: WE KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOING. Now, that being said, prepare yourself for a ridiculous movie about ridiculous characters in ridiculous situations. And, if you haven't already done so, practice typing "Station! #fthismoviefest" on your Twitter account.

New Jack City
Release date: March 8, 1991

"Drugs ain't a black thing or a white thing. It's a death thing. Death don't give a shit about color." -Nick Peretti. I have a feeling a LOT of the themes in this movie still resonate in 2013. And that makes me sad face.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day
Release date: July 3, 1991

Look [LISTEN], T2 is awesome. Everyone agrees. It's been discussed ad nauseam by film geeks since its release. And you didn't come here for MY take on this cinematic gem (you came for prepubescent kissing stories? KIDDING) -- although, let's be honest, this is a pretty lackluster trailer (especially considering how groundbreaking and expensive the film was). So let's do something different. Let's look at other Terminator-themed advertising from 1991. For example, here's a 15-second TV spot for the movie. And here's a commercial for the Sega Genesis game. Here's another one for some action figures (love the kids' voiceover work). Here's a 1996 ad for a Universal Studios Florida attraction called T2 3-D: Battle Across Time (check out eight seconds in when a Series 800 terminator points a laser gun at a little girl's head!). For whatever reason, these ads seem WAY older than the movie (and, subsequently, make me feel older). What gives, early '90s? Weren't you just, like, a decade ago?


  1. Don't forget the most important "advertising" for T2: the Guns n' Roses video "You Could be Mine." I didn't even like the song, but I watched that freakin' video start to finish every single time it came on, just to see the brief flashes of the Terminator. And also to see Arnie analyze Gn'R and decide they were a "waste of ammo."

  2. Wow, that story really made me look forward to MY first kiss. I've been with a girl for almost 9 years now but we're saving ourselves for marriage. And like every other good god-fearing couple resisting the urge to give up our most precious gifts until we are united in Holy Matrimony, it's been ANAL ONLY.

  3. That Universal Studios attraction was the absolute SHIT. Stellar work as always, Douglas.

  4. That's exactly how I always pictured Doug's first kiss

  5. My first kiss was with my young cousin. We were young, I needed the nickel... let's just leave it at that. :'(

    Wasn't there a teaser trailer for "T2" that had almost no footage of the movie, just Arnold with dark glasses raising his hand swearing he wasn't going to kill anyone? Maybe I dreamt it but I swear I saw this in a movie theater long before "T2" came out.

    Anywho, my new-to-me movie for today (2/1/13):

    There are many Nino Browns on the street, but there is only one Wesley Snipes in NEW JACK CITY (1991) on Amazon Instant Video (48 hr. rental, baby, got to see this twice):

  6. If you want it done right ladies you go to a Marlins fan!

    That story was so funny and vivid. It could have been a 'Like you were there' column.

  7. 13 year olds making out.


    1. "Dude, she's 13."
      -the only dialogue I remember from Drowning Mona, which I didn't like much but I've been told I should give another chance. Maybe someday.