Friday, December 13, 2013

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (Dec. 13)

It's not even Chrimbus, and I feel like we're already drowning in previews for next year's summer blockbusters. I'm not complaining; just an observation. That's what I do around here: make dumb observations. I'm like the Andy Rooney of F This Movie! "Didja ever wonder why movie trailers are called trailers when they're shown BEFORE the movie?" RIP.

Jupiter Ascending
Release date: July 18, 2014

Cinema is a very young artistic medium (BARELY LEGAL, goes the expression), and yet I feel like we're only served the same, stupid narrative slurry every time we visit a theater. It's nearly impossible to imagine a film that doesn't hit all the familiar beats. Take your typical romantic comedy, for example: based on the lighting, score, director and supporting cast (Jim Belushi?), you know EXACTLY what you're going to get -- about 90 minutes of boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy wins girl back, with some dumb jokes thrown in. And I guess that's OK, because movies are an "escape," and people want to know what to expect. Except it's so boring! And safe! And unimaginative! Think about the evolution of sculpture, painting or dance -- all [obviously] have been around much longer; ergo, there are SO MANY variations, themes and movements within each subgenre. It's hard to imagine where motion pictures will go next, but they NEED to evolve, if only for their own survival. No one can accuse the siblings Wachowski (Andy and Lana) of being traditionalists. They're constantly coming up with new shit to say, and their movies (excusing Speed Racer) are refreshing and challenging (even if you're not immediately a fan). Now, Jupiter Ascending may be a giant piece of poo, but, based on the preview, it at least looks daring. And isn't that something?

Release date: May 16, 2014

The only thing this trailer's missing is Charlie Hunnam growling, "Kaiju." Just kidding. It's is also missing its namesake. Should be called, Gozilla's Shadow. Or Monster Silhouette. Or He's Standing Right Behind Me, Isn't He? Just kidding. I like that the preview doesn't show us everything. I mean, we obviously know that Godzilla is a giant CGI creation, so why do I need to stare at it to reinforce that belief? I'm sure the final effects will look good (light years better than the 1998 version, at least). But still, it's just a giant cartoon. I miss the days when an underpaid Japanese tradesman stomped on matchbox cars in a giant rubber costume. Just kidding. Those days were lame, too.

Edge of Tomorrow
Release date: June 6, 2014

Every Tom Cruise movie is starting to look alike (enough with the running!). I know that director Doug Liman has an action movie pedigree, but, to me, he'll always be the guy behind Swingers and the underrated Go. I LOL'd when I saw the title card, "From the Director of The Bourne Identity and Mr. & Mrs. Smith [really?]," but then I looked at his CV, and, sure enough, he's full-blown #HeavyAction. So Edge of Tomorrow (based on the light novel All You Need Is Kill [better title?]) is like Groundhog Day meets Elysium? FINE BY ME. When will my exoskeleton mech suit be delivered? Feel like I placed that order years ago.

Release date: TBA

I feel bad for the camels. Yeah, I know they can survive for a long time without water, but they never agreed to walk 2,000 miles across the Australian outback with Mia Wasikowska. They were probably like, "Good luck on your trip, Alice Kingsleigh! Safe travels! Wait, why are you putting this leash on me?!" Talk about a DRAMA-dary.

Bad Words
Release date: March 21, 2014

When the preview for this movie (the first from "DIRECTOR" Jason Bateman) started, I hated it. The exposition, the bad, racist jokes (he calls an Indian kid "slumdog" -- HILARIOUS /s), the trendy song ("Superhero" by BIGkids) ... everything. Then it continued, and I started to ... hate it less? I can't really say I liked it, but I found certain parts funny and, dare I say, endearing? We'll see if this is a legit start to a promising filmmaking career, or simply a clean-cut actor rebelling against his typecast image. Also, the kid is right -- I guess not every girl has nipples: NSFW pic of flashing hooker. I thought this was a red band trailer?

Nurse 3D
Release date: Feb. 7, 2014

In deference to Patrick's recent column on the casting of Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman, I'll refrain from making a bunch of stupid, juvenile comments about this trailer, even though that's exactly what this trailer is -- stupid and juvenile. I'll just say this (SUE ME): Paz de la Huerta has crazy face (if you know what I mean), and a crazy body (if you know what I mean). #dodougsjobforhim

1 comment:

  1. I laughed at that title card too ('From the Director of The Bourne Identity and Mr. & Mrs. Smith') as well as Nurse 3D trailer, it is stupid and juvenile. It seems turned up so high it could be a parody of those movies, like The Roommate, which I have only seen the trailer to. I am now imagining how the pitch went down for this film, which is a little creepy. Douglas Aarniokoski body of work seems like a crazy mix bag. First assistant director to Austin Powers, Spy Kids and Puppet Master 4? Yet also From Dusk till Dawn?