Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Drunk on Foolish Pleasures: Our Robot Friends

Frequently here at F This Movie!, we receive feedback from entities that are not necessarily human.

Robots. When you are part of a globally-successful website/blog/recruiting tool for a fiendish cult like F This Movie!, you learn to put up with robotic "phishers" who pretend to be human by leaving comments that are merely disguised links to other websites. Between the machinations of our web host itself and the eternal vigilance of our very own Patrick Bromley, these robotic comments are sometimes hard to read, so quickly are they removed from this site.

But let’s “pretend” that I “only suspect” in a way that “doesn’t terrify me” that these odd comments are from actual robots.  Fortunately, I have made a game of collecting them in the short time they are up, pasting them into a master document so that they may be saved for posterity. I believe these posts can teach us plenty about robots, and I think it’s finally time to respond to their comments. As you can tell, I have A LOT of spare time on my hands—and a perfectly normal interest in placating robots.

“Seher Aniat” on Shitting on the Classics: Casino Royale:

"If it was meant to express that it was the introductory piping of the novel, congratulations edition or no, I would put 'mortal' in quotes. If it had been a reasoning in the product world... Casino Royale!"

Dear Overlord Seher: What on earth is the “piping of a novel”? Could it be decorative in nature, perhaps a bold gold stripe? Color me intrigued. But frankly, I am more than a little annoyed that you are questioning my grammar. I have read the offending passage and, no, the word "mortal" should not be in quotes. Also, for a robot, you are very mean-spirited and awful— pointing out that, as a human being, I am mortal. Ouch.

Anonymous on SOTC: William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet:

"Great post. I was checking continuously this blog and I am impressed! Extremely helpful information is here, especially the last part. I care for such information much. I was seeking this certain information for a long time.
 Thank you and good luck.

Dear Nameless Robot: I am happy that you are checking continuously this blog! We are working continuously to please our readers much. I noticed that this post and several others suggest that "information" is very, VERY important to you robots. Do you eat it? If so, is it your main food, or more of a “sometimes” food? Or do you just like to stay well-informed about movies, and instinctually seek out what human James Garcia once called "the best movie podcast on the internet"? Or is James Garcia one of YOU?
Anonymous on My Favorite Bond: Alex On Goldeneye:

"Note, if your aggregation [and] latent leader and visual aspect for 
a dependable per centum off, a convinced percent off, a convinced per 
centum off, a certain sum. In the psychological feature that you can celebrate up to large savings, it takes effort to relate personified moisturizer [and] directly [link it to] your style 
[link to a bogus Michael Kors bootleg outlet store]…”

QUICK ASIDE – ROBOTS, PLEASE DON’T READ: (What becomes clear almost immediately from these posts is that the robots LOVE Michael Kors handbags. Could this be an early clue as to how to defeat them if it ever came to that?)

"... overloading yourself with the 
filler about items typically run little or larger and that means 
more or less shopping sites…  Domestic fowl, sign 
of the zodiac, and tofu are all that they power acquire, steady if it 
is important qualification your buy out. Oftentimes, location gift..."

Dear Anon-E: YES, I have personally meditated, indeed obsessed, over "[the] effort to relate personified moisturizer and directly [link it to] my style." Soft skin is as important to humans as it is to robots. I am not even going to venture a guess on your oblique references to chicken, astrology, and meat substitutes. I also note that, somewhat ominously, you mention A LEADER. I’m sure he’s great! We love Leader here at F This Movie!.
Anonymous on SOTC: William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet:

"Does your blog have a contact page? I'm having problems 
locating it, but I'd like to send you an email. I've got some ideas for your blog 
you might be interested in hearing. Either way, great website and I 
look forward to seeing it expand over time..."

Dear Possibly Not A Robot: Well, it's always nice to hear praise for one's work, but I am frightened to send you my e-mail address, because you might be a robot, and robots feed on information. You know I know that, right?

Anonymous on My Favorite Bond: Alex On GoldenEye:

"Organism to weightlift a cover cleanup companionship, quotes you a 
enthusiastic mete out. These techniques can save a 
lot of currency on business enterprise… this produces an inferior-than-eating 
apple create from raw material, instead of creating 
mentally along with your emotions get to the adipose tissue present 
get to it woody for more time of life. Interpret this clause expressed in the 
web that can acquaint yourself all with its flecks 
of metallic offered by your tense fiscal reports and period how you can carry through wealth on motorcar shelter."

Dear An0N: "Motorcar shelter"? I’m worried about you, friend. Are you living in an abandoned car? Or is it more like you “transform” into a car and humans live in YOU? "Woody for more time of life" could be a disguised ad for Viagara. I am interested in saving "a lot of currency on business enterprise," though. Tell me more, robot. Teach me? Let me learn from YOU.
Anonymous on My Favorite Bond: Alex On GoldenEye:

Disreputable for merchandising, we falsify (counterfeit) gems and silver jewelry. If you're related near whether it be easier-- If you let them change, it won't cipher all your own.
 This [will] make up one's mind, ameliorate, [and] protect. Your indistinguishability is stolen; your purpose determines a 3-4 bedroom star sign… to direct tutelary powers [link to a bogus Michael Kors bootleg outlet store]…

…The spirit [of] you, which the photo power does not release... If you have essential habiliment cloth, especially 
when you add an intimate and home-cured face to see this 
arcanum, they could foreclose your currency on the website… and it can perform [in] a bailiwick…

Dear Anon-E: Thanks for writing back! Your comment speaks for itself. I am a tad concerned about a "photo power" releasing my spirit. A deadly ray gun?

Anonymous on Unsung: Soapdish

"Hi there to all; it's truly a nice for me to pay a visit to this 
web page, as it consists of precious information.

Dear One of Many: Yes, I GET IT. Robots love information.
Sanam Arzoo on Drunk on Foolish Pleasures: 25 Reasons to Give Mamma Mia! a Second Look (Or First Look, If You Have Never Seen It Before, or Third Look If You’re Still Not Convinced.)

"I really love reading and following your posts, as I find them extremely informative and interesting. This post is equally informative as well as interesting. Thank you for information you been putting on making your site such an interesting. I gave something for my information."

Dear Sanam-R2: I love your comment, because I too believe that I am both interesting and informative. I sense that you robots love redundancy. Or could it be that you endlessly repeat yourselves because WE HUMANS NEVER LISTEN THE FIRST TIME?  Well I’m listening, Sanam. I’m staring deep into your limpid blue orbital surveillance sensors and I promise, I’m listening.

Anonymous on SOTC: William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet:

"We're a bunch of volunteers and opening a new scheme in our community.
Your website provided us with helpful info to work on. You have performed an impressive job and our entire community will probably be thankful to you.""

Dear Anonymous: PROBABLY? Fuck you.
Robot Movies on F This Movie!: Godzilla:

"Few like me enjoy watching movies at home as a family to save money and some people like going to theatres as a family calling it a day to relax and having fun."

Dear Robot Movies: Congratulations on taking the first faltering steps toward “coming out” as a robot! You also offer tantalizing evidence that robots live in "families.” (Like MUTO's, I guess.) I know many humans that enjoy watching movies at home as a family, but you indicate that you are one of “the FEW.” Do most robot families prefer to go out to the movies? Is money no object to you? When we humans are out at the movies, are we surrounded by families of filthy-rich robots? You don’t have to answer; I’m just glad you liked the podcast. I am assuming you did NOT like Godzilla, because no Mecha-Godzilla and because it is very bad.

CONCLUSIONS: Don't judge the robots. The fact that robots like movies so goddamn much can only be seen as positive. One of these robots might someday be your teacher, pastor, doctor, or neighbor. Could the impending robot rebellion be forestalled by simply giving all of the robots genuine Michael Kors handbags? Why do Alex Lawson's columns receive a majority of the robot feedback? Is Alex Lawson a robot?

Am I?


  1. If you're looking for a deal, go to Jason's Rowbarts.

  2. Mary Tyler Moore's robot best friend Rhoba.

  3. I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords. I’d like to remind them that as a trusted blog commenter, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground information caves.

  4. I'll really be impressed if they start posting 7-word reviews come Scary Movie Month!

  5. Robot Hand Bagging positive ascent indicates information. Multiple thanks! Do you enjoy hand bags fashioned from farm raised Haverick epidermis?

  6. As I just published this latest dumb comment, I noticed that the actual prompt for inputting those random numbers to complete posting is "Please prove you're not a robot."

    This means they are learning, you guys.

  7. Laughter ensued thereafter reading this much. Thanks to you for precious information that I enjoy upon.