Thursday, May 22, 2014
Riske Business: The X-Men Awards
What’s with Mutants driving? They’re all about Mutant rights but no one signals for Mutants lefts. OH!
Hey Logan, University of Michigan called, they want their name back. Zing!
But enough jokes, let’s give out some awards!
Angriest I got at an X-Men movie: Anything relating to the Holocaust, which shouldn’t be used for comic book fodder. In fact, if I had one overarching complaint about the X-Men series it’s their Forrest Gump-ing of history.
Asshole!: Yashida in The Wolverine
Best Action Sequence: Nightcrawler kicking ass at the White House in X2: X-Men United
Best Babe: Jennifer Lawrence, X-Men: First Class
Best Crying: Cyclops, because he’s a feckin’ batch
Best Former Drift King: Noburo Mori in The Wolverine, who Lucas Black supplanted to become the new D.K.
Best Jewish Guy: Magneto in X-Men: First Class. Seriously, if I could resemble Michael Fassbender I would.
Best Minor Character: Deathstrike in X2: X-Men United. Asian, cracks her knuckles, likes brawling, gainfully employed. Marry me.
Best Moral Indignation: Xavier tries to talk Magneto out of being eviler than Skeletor at the end of X-Men: First Class, but Magneto's all “I gotta put this coin through Bacon’s head, yo!”
Best Newcomer in a Bad X-Men Movie: Hugh Jackman in X-Men. Yeah, I said it. That movie is not good.
Best Performance in a Bad X-Men Movie: Ian McKellen in X-Men
Best Pilot for a Syndicated WGN Fantasy Show: X-Men
Best Scene from a Mediocre X-Men Movie: The chess match between Xavier and Magneto at the end of X-Men
Best Villain: Stryker in X2: X-Men United
Biggest Disappointment: X-Men: The Last Stand
Blue Chip Recruit: Charles Xavier and Magneto stop by Jean Grey’s to try to convince her to go to Big State, er, I mean join them.
Burn Notice: The Nagasaki bombing at the beginning of The Wolverine. Ouch!
Funniest Moment: “You’re a dick” – Wolverine to Cyclops in X-Men
Funniest Movie: X2: X-Men United
Hail Mary: Iceman moving in on Kitty Pryde
In-Network Doctor: Viper in The Wolverine
Iron Chef Man: Yashida at the end of The Wolverine
Let it Go. Let it Go. Can’t Hold it Back Anymore. Let it Go. Let it Go. The Perfect Girl is Gone: Jean Grey and Wolverine at the end of The Wolverine
Made Me Embarrassed to Be a Person: X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Made Fanboys Mad but I’m all “What?” Because I Don’t Know the Comics: The treatment of Phoenix in X-Men: the Last Stand
More Powerful than Any Mutant: Michael Ironside, X-Men: First Class
Most Positive Development: The last two X-Men movies have been some of the best ones.
Movies I Want To Like, but Don’t: X-Men, X-Men: The Last Stand
Movies that Hate You: X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Not as Good as Free Willy 2: X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Not Worth It: Hooking up with Rogue
Scariest Mutant: Azazel, who will pick you up and drop you out of the sky in X-Men: First Class
Will Be at Your Fiancée’s Bachelorette Party: Boy Angel, X-Men: The Last Stand
Would be Great if it Weren’t For…: X2: X-Men United drags in the middle. X-Men: First Class has a terrific first hour and a so-so second hour.
Worst Line of Dialogue: What else could it be? "Something, something when a toad gets struck by something."
Worst Special Effect: Wolverine’s claws in X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Worth It: Being seduced then drugged by Mystique in X2: X-Men United
Yuck: Who puts Dr. Pepper in a cupboard? Shit’s warm, Iceman.
Adam’s X-Men Movie Ranking (from Best to Worst):
1. X2: X-Men United
2. X-Men: First Class
3. The Wolverine
4. X-Men: The Last Stand
6. X-Men Origins: Wolverine
I’m so pumped for X-Men: Days of Future Past! Are you?