Thursday, June 26, 2014

Riske Business: 15 Reasons You Should Watch Bloodsport

by Adam Riske
I love Bloodsport and you should too!

If you haven’t seen it, here are 15 reasons you should watch Bloodsport this month for Junesploitation. You could check it out for '80s Action day (today), Free Space day or Revenge day! It’s a perfect movie.

15. Because kumite tournaments are unspeakably charming. Every time I go on a business trip, I whisper “kumite” in a local’s ear secretly hoping that I will be escorted to one. Like raves, my friends at home are worthless when it comes to locating kumites.
14. Jean Claude Van Damme as Frank Dux, aka “the American shithead who makes tricks with bricks.” Every Junesploitation should include at least one movie from JCVD. Bloodsport is one of his best. Other favorites of mine include Cyborg, Enemies Closer, Hard Target, Nowhere to Run, Sudden Death, Universal Soldier, Universal Soldier: Regeneration and Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning.

13. In a flashback, young Frank Dux is wearing a San Francisco Giants baseball cap and a New York Giants football jersey. Kid loves giants! It’s among the stupidest things I’ve ever seen in a movie.
12. Chong Li (played by Bolo Yeung). Adorable. Built like a brick shithouse. #LockUpYourDaughters
11. “Hey babe, want to go out with a real big man?” – Ray Jackson. It’s so great that Ray Jackson (played by Donald Gibb) is not a bully despite his physicality but instead Dux’s closest ally. According to IMDB, Ray Jackson does not use any recognized martial art during the course of the movie.

10. “This is the biggest kumite ever. We got fighters from all over.” – Mr Lin (played by Ken Siu). It’s time to protect your nuts is what I’m saying. Okay, USA?

9. At the kumite, there are random stacks of bricks available just in the off chance someone has to Dim Mak to prove that Tanaka is their master.

8. A kumite montage set to “Fight to Survive” by Stan Bush!


7. See Rawlins (Forest Whitaker) excitedly eating eel.
6. Intrepid reporter Janice Kent (Leah Ayres) comes for the kumite but stays for the romance. #DuxFux

5. If you close your eyes when the crowd chants “Chong Li! Chong Li! Chong Li,” you could mistake them for saying “Bromley! Bromley! Bromley!”

4. Play Where’s Waldo? and find Mark Ahn.
3. Van Damme’s BWAAAAHHHH!!!! face
2. Chong Li’s Chucky face.

1. To honor your shidoshi.

11 comments:

  1. Wait, you need more than #0: Because it's awesome?

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    1. You don't need more than that but I'm trying to win over the converts more than the congregation.

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  2. Bloodsport fucking rules - it was a frequent 12-Year-Old-Guys'-Night-In choice back in the day. Your column just made me order a Bloodsport/Timecop double-feature blu-ray because fucking right it did.

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    1. It's also in my go-to stack of movies I watch with a friend of mine whenever one of us gets dumped. It's a healer.

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    2. Ha! I can see that - "I'm glad she's gone - otherwise I probably wouldn't be watching Bloodsport right now!"

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    3. Had no idea that BD existed, Sol, and this dude's getting his DVDs upgraded in the VERY near future. Rock on!

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  3. I'm glad you put out this list, because everyone should see this movie. This came out when I was about 9 or 10 and I watched the crap out of this movie for the next several years. Although I then went on to watch this as a companion piece to Kickboxer, which I'm sad to see is not on your list of JCVD favorites.

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  4. I've seen Bloodsport more times than Kickboxer, but I don't count either of them among my favorite Van Damme movies. I think it's because I'm not big into the competitive fighting subgenre. But this list makes a compelling argument. #DuxFux

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  5. "Frank Dux? You mean like put up your Dux?" I love that line.

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  6. I don't think I've scene Bloodsport in at least 10 years. Now I remember why I need to revisit this as soon as possible. You'll be hard pressed to find better BWAAAAAA faces than Van Damme's in this movie..

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  7. I laughed out loud at nearly every reason. This article is the best. Bloodsport rules!!!

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