by Doug Schultz
live-action GoBots movie. "GREAT!" -nobody. Which means it's only a matter of time before other beloved(?) TV shows, toys and games from your childhood become major motion pictures. Here are my [sarcastic] suggestions.
in the works. And with the recent success of The Lego Movie (2014), it's no wonder the German toymaker (Geobra Brandstätter GmbH) is looking to cash in. But, let's be honest, the awesomeness of The Lego Movie is a fluke -- a standalone anomaly in a sea of garbage movie adaptations. On paper, it's a terrible idea (just like the predictably awful Battleship), but it succeeds due to a smart script and dazzling direction by Phil Lord and Christopher Miller. MOST MOVIES DO NOT HAVE THIS. So, good luck, Playmobil! I can't wait to skip past you when you're playing on TBS (very funny) at 1 a.m.
Did anyone else watch this cartoon from the early '90s? No? Just me? Well, I'm a fan. I mean, who's flying? Oh my god bear is flying. How can that be? This half-hour animated series featured anthropomorphic animals from Disney's 1967 animated feature The Jungle Book ... FLYING AIRPLANES. In the 1930s? Why not? It's like an art-deco cartoon version of the NBC sitcom, Wings. Only with bears, instead of Tony Shalhoub. But you know who should play the main character Baloo von Bruinwald XIII? Tony Shalhoub! What's your holdup, Hollywood?
M.A.S.K. stands for Mobile Armored Strike Kommand (GERMAN MUCH?), a specialized task force that takes on a criminal organization called V.E.N.O.M. (Vicious Evil Network of Mayhem). It was a toy and a cartoon (and later a DC Comics series) from the '80s, and it would make for an AMAZING movie, right? What? No? Sure, the inevitable mix-ups with Mask (1985) are bound to happen. But whereas the Peter Bogdanovich film features Rocky Dennis (Eric Stoltz) as a teenager with a huge skull deformity, the Kenner media franchise features "Matt Trakker" and his commando brothers-in-arms with high-tech masks and shapeshifting vehicles (i.e., the perfect toys). But why create unnecessary confusion? I say, cast Eric Stoltz in a new M.A.S.K. movie AS Rocky Dennis. It's what we in the film biz call a win-win.
5. Heathcliff and The Catillac Cats
Some say it's a low-rent version of Garfield. I say it's a multimillion dollar film franchise just WAITING to explode. And Heathcliff was created (as a comic strip) five years before Jim Davis published Garfield, so IN YOUR FACE, LASAGNA. Truth be told, both cartoon cats are horrible -- just unfunny, meandering, pedestrian pap. But Heathcliff has a little street cred. Meaning, he's an alley cat, and he literally lives on the street. A cartoon film, Heathcliff: The Movie, was released in 1986, but it's terrible and ultimately forgotten. I say, if GoBots can be optioned after the success of Transformers, why not Heathcliff? Are you listening, Bill Murray? #whynotheathcliff
We all loved his cameo in Wreck-It Ralph (2012). Isn't it about time he branched out on his own?
7. Starcom: The U.S. Space Force
Interstellar didn't turn off audiences, why should astronauts with magnets in their feet?
No, not that Cops. This one's another initialism that stands for Central Organization of Police Specialists. Or, you know, cops. Except it's the future, the cops are cybernetically enhanced and they're fighting a mob leader called "Big Boss" (again with these INCREDIBLY INVENTIVE NAMES). It was a weird cartoon, and it would make for an even weirder live-action movie. SO DO IT ALREADY, HOLLYWOOD!
9. Ikari Warriors
10. My Buddy
We've all seen dolls that can KILL, but what about a doll that just wants to pal around? Like, you like Big Wheels, I like Big Wheels, let's make an afternoon out of it? I'm fuzzy on penitential plot points (something-something preventing the murder of the prime minster of a doll company?), but My Buddy could totally tag along to teach the hero a life lesson about caring or hygiene or something. And if a boy doll's not your speed, might I suggest ... Kid Sister?
here), which was definitely the right choice, because YEESH. Still, doesn't a small part of you want to see a steamy, PG-13 mating scene between Lion-O and Cheetara? WHERE MY FURRIES AT?
12. Pogo Bal