Monday, January 19, 2015

Riske Business: Random Thoughts About 2015 Movies (January - April Edition)

by Adam Riske
I was going to write about the Oscars this week but fuck them.

Based on its glowing reviews, I’m thinking I need to see Paddington once it comes out on Blu-ray. I can’t see it now. A grown man going by himself to see it in theaters would look like a Peddington.

The Boy Next Door would have been the number one movie of January 1999.

If Johnny Depp was on the brink of winning an Oscar this year, Mortdecai would be his Norbit and lose him the Oscar.

WTF is going on with The Humbling poster? Way to sell your movie, guys!
The fact that I will see Black or White and McFarland, USA during their opening weekends proves the theory that I will see any movie featuring late-career Kevin Costner.

Project Almanac looks like the dumbest movie ever released. Oh wait; I just watched the trailer for The Loft. Nevermind.

If there’s a G-D, Jupiter Ascending will work. The Wachowskis are running out of chances and that makes me sad.

I want to see Seventh Son get delayed again. Because that’s that movie’s thing. And wouldn’t you rather see Eragon 2 than another Peter Jackson Middle Earth movie at this point?

Trailer by new trailer, Kingsman: The Secret Service looks better. How many freaking trailers has this thing had? I feel like I saw the first one before Star Wars Episode I.

Everybody who makes fun of Fifty Shades of Grey will premiere it in their homes on Metacafe. Because biology and we’re all sinners.

Stop trying to make the phrase DUFF a thing, The DUFF! It’s like someone woke up from a coma that began in 1999 and the first thing they had on their mind was capitalizing on this MILF wave.
So wait; you’re bringing back all the guys I don’t like from the first one!!!!!???#HotTubTimeMachine2

Wouldn’t it be funny if Focus was supposed to star Jaden Smith but then following After Earth they recast him with Margot Robbie?

If you’re going to remake Flatliners, then call it The Lazarus Effect!

The punk girl in the Chappie trailer scares the shit out of me.
I would go see The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel if they combined it with Fifty Shades of Grey. #FiftyShadesOfMarigold. Richard Gere tying up Judi Dench. Fuck yeah!

Nail. Meet coffin = Vince Vaughn in Unfinished Business.

I want Kenneth Branagh to change the name of his upcoming Cinderella to Cinderella: Shadow Recruit as a way of reminding the world that they let Adam Riske down by not supporting Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit.

Run All Night is the most Joe Carnahan-y looking movie not directed by Joe Carnahan.

Insurgent proves I will not see everything starring Shailene Woodley, Ansel Elgort or Miles Teller.

“Big boys don’t cry, big boys don’t cry” #Furious7

Someone needs to stop Helen Mirren. Because Woman in Gold.

You voted at the box office back in 2009 and now we have Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2. Not that I care, but how the hell did this take six years to get made?

Who is the target audience for The Age of Adeline?

The fact that Unfriended is getting a theatrical release is like Hollywood shouting from the rooftops that real horror fans no longer need to see theatrical horror movies.


  1. This article made me smile :) That Humbling poster is freakin' awful and The Duff makes me sad for movies.

    1. The Humbling looks like a bad photoshop photo from someone who dosent really know how to use photoshop.

      Congratulations on Peddington. I can never see that movie without now hearing that joke first.

      Im kinda looking forward to Flatliners 2

    2. The Humbling poster looks like a clothes ad you'd see at the mall

  2. As bad as that poster is, can it really beat this garbage?

    Reading this was lots of fun, and I have to say I agree with pretty much all of it. Sadly, my hopes aren't very high for Jupiter Ascending, though.

    1. I know I'm going to crack and see Left Behind. I just know it.

    2. I'll probably look into into it as a curiosity someday. But in the meantime, the expression on his face in the above poster image is just goofy as can be to me, as if to scream "man, I really don't want to be here."

  3. Nailed Coffin. Meet crowbar = Vince Vaughn in True Detective Season 2 #ICanSeeTheFuture.

  4. I started to grab my wallet and keys to go see Paddington, but then I had the exact same thought as you. I didn't want to re-create my experience seeing Frozen where it was me, a sixty-year old couple, and about 100 children. I was wearing a grey hoodie, trying not to make eye contact with any parents.

    1. I always go to "kids movies" at like 10pm or later to ease my conscience.

    2. Was the hoodie cinched up nice and tight? That always puts kids at ease.

      Also, remember when movie posters would display the movie title along with a scene from the movie? Whatever happened to that?

  5. I just watched the trailer for Unfriended. I don't remember the last time I've laughed this much. Must see the movie.

    I particularly enjoyed the review quotes in the trailer: "A new genre of horror" and "You've never experienced fear like this before".

    1. When I saw the trailer recently there was a guy laughing loudly in the theater that reminded me of Max Cady in Cape Fear.

  6. I saw the Jupiter Ascending trailer before American Sniper (ugh) today. I'm still holding out hope for the film, but I thought the trailer was rough.

  7. Paddington is awesome. You're missing out!