Thursday, April 2, 2015

Riske Business: The Fast & Furious Awards

by Adam Riske
OMG. I’m so excited for Furious 7. Let’s look back on the highs and lows of this awesome series.

Best Action Sequence: The safe chase through Rio in Fast Five

Best Addition: The Rock

Best Beverage: You can have a beer, as long as it’s a Corona.

Best Chemistry: Vin Diesel and Paul Walker for the entire series

Best End-Credits Scene: The Jason Statham cliffhanger in Fast and Furious 6

Best Sandwich: Tuna. No crust? No crust. In The Fast and the Furious
Best Villain: (Tie) Cole Hauser in 2 Fast 2 Furious or DK in The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

Best Shirts: Vince in The Fast and the Furious

Biggest Leap of Faith: Dom jumping to catch Letty in Fast & Furious 6 and Ludacris knowing how to do everything in the entire series

Biggest Mixed Bag: The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

Biggest Turnaround: I used to not like 2 Fast 2 Furious and now I kind of love it
Character I Wish Would Come Back: Hector from The Fast and the Furious

Coolest Character: Han

Dumbest Cameo: Rob Cohen as a pizza delivery man in The Fast and the Furious

Favorite Character: Brian O’ Conner

Funniest Character: Roman Pearce
Funniest Moment: The way Vin Diesel says “This is Brazil!” in Fast Five

Funniest Movie: 2 Fast 2 Furious

Moment that Will Live in Infamy: Stare and Drive in 2 Fast 2 Furious
Most Boring: Fast & Furious

Most Positive Development: Bringing everyone back in Fast Five and making Tokyo Drift come 6th in the chronology

Most Unnecessary Plot Development: Yakuza in The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift
No One Likes You: Bow Wow in The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

Underutilized: John Ortiz in Fast & Furious

Worst CGI: The tunnels in Fast & Furious

Worst Character: Dwight from Fast & Furious

Worst Chemistry: Vin Diesel and Gal Gadot in Fast & Furious
Worst Development: SPOILER: Killing off Han in The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

Worst Villain: Braga from Fast & Furious

WTF Moment: Racing to win a high school girl at the beginning of The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

Top Quotes
1. “Pockets ain’t empty, cuz.” “And we ain’t hongry no more either, brah.”
2. “He did the stare and drive on you, didn’t he? He got that from me.”
3. “I live my life a quarter mile at a time.”
4. “I’m a boy who appreciates a good body, regardless of the make.”
5. “Stay the fuck out of my way!”
6. “Wow. You can read the brochure.”
7. “Are you going native on me, Brian?”
8. “Klaus, aren’t you team muscle? Don’t make me go over there and make you team pussy.”
9. “Why do I smell baby oil?”
10. “My mother, she’s blind in one eye and she can drift better than that.”

Adam’s Fast & Furious Movie Rankings (from Best to Worst)
1. Fast & Furious 6
2. Fast Five
3. The Fast and the Furious
4. 2 Fast 2 Furious
5. The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift
6. Fast & Furious


  1. Love this Adam - the awards, quotes and ranking are spot on for me. The first time I ran through the franchise I took it easy on Fast & Furious just because I was so glad to see the gang back together but it dropped back to last place on the latest go around. I might have a tie for worst CGI: Whenever they hit the NOS in 2 Fast 2 Furious they do this really cheesy blur thing - don't like it. But still love it.

    Have you ever seen the totally rando post-credit sequence in the first one? Vin Diesel driving in Mexico with a voiceover repeating an earlier quote (and not even acting, like it's just Vin Diesel reading the script for the first time): "I live my life a quarter mile at a time. Nothing else matters. For those 10 seconds, I'm free." Possibly the most pointless post-credit scene ever. Also, I still love it. :P

    1. You know what, I didn't even know about that weird post-credits sequence in the original until I re-watched it a couple of weeks ago. It's bizarre for sure.

  2. I love this list and i love all that the FF films represent which is completely unpretentious entertainment of the highest order... Though personnally i would swap 1 with 2 in the order, 2 for me is just perfect insanity for me from the pimping of the Universal logo to the speed racer effects on the races to that boat jump! :)

    1. 2 Fast 2 Furious is such a good time. I like going back to that movie just for how it looks alone. Great photography.

    2. One day i'm going to do a Brian says Bro drinking game for 2 Fast... Now that would be messy! ;)

  3. I like that the FF films have also become popular examples in sociology as entertainment which incorporate characters from diverse ethnicities in non-"token" ways, with real arcs and not calling attention to itself. Nobody really comments on Han's Asianness or Roman's black-ness or Dom's ... whatever he is. It's a universe where it's accepted that the world is dirverse. The homogeneous groups tend to be the bad guys, actually. We're breaking down walls, people.

    1. That's one of my favourite things about them too, Mark. They're a small window into an actual post-racial utopia. :)

    2. The Fast and the Furious series is the Obama's America that I voted for in 2008 :-)

  4. That stare GIF may be on the best things I've seen in a long time.

  5. This was a really funny yet completely spot on list. It's kind of amazing how much these movies have contributed to movie culture, assuming the person you're talking to understands how to have fun.

  6. Quick Note: FURIOUS 7 would rank #5 on my list of favorites as of right now.