What was I thinking? What was I thinking when I plunked down good money for a copy of Vagrant Video’s trailer compilation, Color Correct My Cock on Blu-ray disc? Was it the buyer’s frenzy that usually occurs when I step into the dealer’s room at a fan convention? Will I buy anything if the packaging is shiny? Am I secretly unhappy about the color of my you-know-what?
Maybe this disc is just not for me. I would be more forgiving of this damn thing if it did not begin with a skit in which the disc’s producers are shown in their little clubhouse, crowing about how awful they are, ogling shapely women, wallowing in shallow misogyny, guzzling Mountain Dew, and making breast jokes. (Don’t get me wrong: like many red-blooded American men, I LOVE… Mountain Dew.) Perhaps their intent was to show us the ideology that bred their “artistry.” “Oh,” cries the unlucky viewer, “this was put together by morons marinating in their own disgusting unreality? Well then I will need to lower my expectations and judge the resulting awful object using the same awful standards by which I judge other awful people and awful things.”
• The trailer for Sex on the Run, a re-titling of the Tony Curtis vehicle, Casanova and Company. The point in including this trailer seems to be to demean and mock Tony Curtis, the star of such classic films as Some Like It Hot (which is referenced in this trailer), Sweet Smell of Success, and The Boston Strangler. We are invited to ironically revel in Curtis’s fall from grace because at the end of his career, he was forced to appear in Z-grade trash like this. (I remember several years later, some basic cable channel offered Tony Curtis himself as a prize in a contest. If you won, Tony Curtis came to your house and screened Some Like It Hot in your living room with your whole family. Yikes.)
• A Drive-In Theater advertising spot for Smithfield BBQ sandwiches (because OF COURSE.) Like all of the other bits in this collection, it’s in bad shape. Food never looks appetizing in these drive-in spots; all of the schmutz, hairs in the gate, missing frames, and deterioration only make me want a BBQ sandwich LESS.
• The trailer for The Godmother II, apparently a re-titling of the Italian film La Padrina, sometimes exhibited with the title Lady Dynamite. This is pretty much what you would expect from a film with any of those three titles.
• The trailer for The Great Scout and Cathouse Thursday, a completely insane 1976 Western that I have actually seen. It stars Lee Marvin and Elizabeth Ashley, with Oliver Reed as a Native American intent on infecting as many white women as he can find with syphilis, thus “taking revenge on the white man.” I am not making this up.
Watching this awful mess brought to mind one of my favorite quotes from the stage play Inherit The Wind, the story of the famous “Scopes Monkey Trial.” Near the end of the play, the Clarence Darrow character takes the H.L. Menken character to task for being an unfeeling, sarcastic asshole, saying, “You’re like a ghost with an empty sleeve pointing an empty finger and laughing at everything people hold dear. What do YOU believe in? What warms you—a thought… an idea… just to cling to? You’re all alone.” This is how I feel about the awful gentlemen who put together this awful compilation.
Daily Grindhouse.com concluded their review by suggesting that the disc was a “welcome addition to any cult film library, […] best paired with a case of the cheapest, shittiest beer you can find.” And I know that there are those of you who, the more I tell you this disc is awful, the more strongly you feel an automatic, irresistible attraction toward viewing it. I think I will call this phenomenon “crapillary action.”
Babies, I implore you to resist. It’s too late for me—SAVE YOURSELVES. I do not recommend that you buy or watch this disc. I would send you my copy, but I am going to burn it in my fireplace and forget this whole incident ever happened. I have to go now and take a long, hot, un-ironic shower.