Pass the Custard Please

by Melissa Uhrin

 Fact: There's a fat kid that lives inside me. Heh.

Another way to word that: I love food. Food food food. Weekends revolve around what foods we will eat in between whatever marathon we are journeying on. And rightly so. A great movie should be enjoyed with great food.

CAUTION: DON'T READ THIS DURING FOOD-TIME. (You've been warned)

There are some moments in film that do their best to destroy specific foods for me, though. Dicks. I have a pretty high tolerance, but one movie in particular has literally changed the way I think about one of my favourite foods and it comes to mind every time I am preparing it (which is pretty much EVERY DAY.) so much so that it inspired this need to discuss a few "favourites." I'm not going to bother touching on any films where people just consumed too much food and vomited; I will just specifically mention a few actual foods that brought about nausea due to "mishandling" in any sense of the word... Otherwise Krendler’s brain in Hannibal would have made the list. Mmm... Brains.

One of the first times I found myself nauseated due to watching something food related: Road Trip. What, you didn't want powdered sugar on your French Toast? Better lick it off yourself then, or get your friend to do it for you cause it's just going to be licked off by and warmed up by some guy's farty hairy butt. UGH. The worst part? DJ Qualls' absolute enjoyment while eating them.

Who doesn't love chocolate cream pie? Just liars and weirdos is my guess. How about a "chocolate" cream pie made by someone who you recently pissed off? I'm not dumb enough to put that in my face. Bryce Dallas Howard's character, Hilly, did in The Help and it still curdles my stomach to think about her munching away on a poopy filled pie. Especially when she was enjoying it so thoroughly she needed a second slice. The ole imagination gets going, thinking about HOW it's even possible to get through the first piece and NOT taste shit? Best to push it out of my mind and enjoy my store bought pie and hope I haven't offended anyone in the bakery department.

I don't know about you guys, but the first time I learned about stink palm, I also learned that pretzels could come chocolate covered... Thanks, Mallrats, you jerks. It hasn't stopped me from enjoying them, but I always make sure I wash my hands after shaking someone's hand, especially if that person is smiling a bit too much for my liking.

Sumatran Rat-Monkey. Festering wounds. Custard. Creamy and delicious. Braindead, you wonderful film you. Even the thought of this scene has me wanting a giant tasty bowl of custard garnished with the unspeakable and.... ugh.... Gross. Too far dummy. Even for a laugh.

It's impossible to ruin foods that I have not yet tried, (nor do I intend to):

An entire live octopus (Oldboy [2003]) - I hate seafood, so eating an entire live octopus is an impossibility for this fat kid.

Lamb Fries (Funny Farm) - If and when I visit the Vermont area, I will be eating grilled cheese and fries. There's no way that lamb testicles should find a way onto my plate if I stick with a safe option!

I shudder at the thought of a hair on pizza... She's All That took it to the next level and all I can think is that I sincerely hope they had some dental floss to clean all those curly little hairs from between their teeth.

It's not as though I missed the hundreds more nausea inducing moments. I just noted the ones that immediately come to mind... And unfortunately, for me, this last one comes as a daily reminder.

Have you seen Wetlands? Because you can't unsee it. (Thanks, Patrick.) The worst part? One of my favourite foods, avocado, contains a soft round seed at it's centre. And in Wetlands, Helen's favourite “tool” is said seed (...Do I really have to give more detail?) And now EVERYTIME I cut an avocado and see that fucking seed I think of Wetlands. And shudder. And wonder if I should watch it again.

WHY IS WETLANDS A PART OF MY DAILY LIFE?

I think I would almost prefer to eat some shit pie. Just one slice.

No. Wait.

I take that back. Pass me some of the custard. At least the memory will be forgotten soon.