Welcome back! What is a mall movie you ask? Here’s the definition from Riske’s dictionary:
Mall Movie (mawl moovee) (noun): A movie released in the year 2000 or later that would have played at a shopping mall cinema if it were released in the 1980s or 1990s. Kitschy, genre-defined, eclectic, exploitative, incongruous, idiosyncratic, sleepover appropriate.
My latest pick is 2000’s Titan A.E. directed by Don Bluth and Gary Goldman.
1. Hip-Rock Soundtrack
2. Features John Leguizamo
3. Co-directed by Don Bluth
4. Derivative Science Fiction
5. Broke-Ass Animated Movie
Underneath It Mall
I feel bad for Don Bluth. I used to like some of his stuff when I was younger (The Secret of NIMH, An American Tail, The Land Before Time) but boy is he bad as a storyteller when he’s off his game. Titan A.E. is maybe the most obvious example of that. To be completely honest with you, I couldn’t even finish it while I re-watched it for the column this week. I made it 54 minutes over 4 days. It’s such a zone-out movie (aka one of those animated movies that is so pre-occupied visually that it doesn’t connect as a story whatsoever and in turn causes you to eventually zone-out). I also couldn’t stand all of the gibberish dialogue like “The Titan must be somewhere on the Andali Nebula.” Or “What’s on Shesharrim?” “The Gaoul!” “Have Akima set the course.” Fuck you, screenplay. Matt Damon’s character (this was in his post-Good Will Hunting eating shit period before he landed The Bourne Identity and regained his footing) also yells “AKIMA!” maybe 400 times during the course of the first hour of Titan A.E. Ugh!
Titan A.E. was DOA when it debuted at the mall. It opened at #5 in its opening weekend, making only $9.3M behind the remake of Shaft (mall movie), the remake of Gone in 60 Seconds (mall movie) in its second week, Big Momma’s House (mall movie) in its third week and Mission:Impossible II (not a mall movie, played at the rich people theater) in its fourth week. No one cared about this space adventure. It was truly a dearth mall wherever it played. It finished at $22.7M, which is a multiplier from opening weekend of 2.4, which is a fuck-my-life/everyone-hates-me sized multiplier. It was a colossal bomb with a budget of $75M. It was reported that the movie lost 20th Century Fox $100M and that Fox Animation Studios shut down shortly thereafter. Good job America! You destroyed a company in a short period of time.
Tell mom to pick us up in 1 hour! We’re leaving early. This movie’s terrible.
What’s Next at the Mall?
8 Mile, followed by laser tag and a trip to Sam Goody!