by Melissa Uhrin
Lately I have seriously considered ditching the lot and digging a hole in a hill to begin a minimalistic life of living off the land... but knowing that my entertainment will entirely be left to Daryl re-enacting films for me through mime, I have started to question this rationality and have instead been researching some of my favourite films for an easy fix. Since winning the lottery is down to chance, so let's make our own luck shall we?
My research of choice: All the heist films I can cram in my face.
Speaking of faces, there seems to quite a number of cover your face with this: nun, clown, or president mask. 'Cause that's never a dead giveaway when walking into a bank, right?
Point Break (1991)
The Dark Knight (2008)
What about a good ole clown? That's never creepy right? Unless you're Heath Ledger and have clown face under your clown mask. 'Cause that's dedication to being straight up awesome. Not to mention being the last clown standing in an intricate bank heist and calmly escaping on a school bus. Me? I would have to coordinate my plans with the city transit system. Simply put, this chick don't drive. The added clown element would be a lovely addition to all the colourful characters on the bus as well!
The Town (2010)
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)
Short legs don't matter if you're on a horse, though! But then there's the whole being on the run and having to escape to South America thing. Not to mention being unsure of where and how I would eventually be killed. Terrible coordination (riding a horse was a dumb idea), short legs, no getaway vehicle and not wanting to potentially die in places unknown... Not to mention the only weapon I have access to is a bad-tempered cat when she's woken up. Perhaps I should switch gears and get to working on being the brains behind the operation.
Ocean's Eleven (2001)
First, let's start with a team of professionals. Off the top of my head, my brother Tim would be the fast talker leading the group of yahoos to victory. I would leave the gymnast moves to my mime-husband and my brother Cam can bring the speakers. Uhhh what? Perhaps scheming an elaborate underground safe heist in a casino should be left to Clooney's professionals, as I have found yet another thing that I am useless at while seemingly planning another party. With speakers. Brain plans are clearly not my forté.
The Ladykillers (1955)
Witching and Bitching (2013)
Now these guys had it right. Clearly a kid is all that was missing from everyone else’s plan. Always bring your child to a jewelry heist, ensuring they do not have their homework with them. Sidenote: the little roadside diner en-route to the safety of the French border with the hole in the floor in which you pee -- yeah, that’s the one -- it’s run by witches. And they’ll murder your ass in all sorts of awesome ways.
Reservoir Dogs (1992)
If I had Tarantino in charge of planning my jewelry heist, I'm fairly certain it would end in a fantastic shootout where someone would probably “get shot” prematurely and mass confusion over who shot who first would be the focal point and not the perfection of the actual art. Too confusing for me. Not to mention all the words I would have to learn.
Bonnie and Clyde (1967)
Now now, don't any of you go getting some weird idea about some crazy chick in Canada going to rob a bank, casino or a rich guy with all the jewels. Just relax. I am loud, uncoordinated, non-violent, non-driving wuss that doesn't even own a clown mask. And I don’t want my story to end riddled with bullets. On a horse. (But I do know ALL the tell-tale signs of being in the presence of a witch!)
Also, I know where money comes from.
It was put there by a man.
In a factory downtown.