Monday, May 1, 2017

Riske Business: The Grab Bag Vol. 4

by Adam Riske

The bag is now empty. Enjoy these last few crazy clips!

It’s Time for Bushwhacked


I find it really difficult to believe that F This Movie! has been around for almost seven years and we have never discussed Bushwhacked, starring Daniel Stern. Here’s a movie, with an insanely good poster I might add, that has adventure and comedy to burn. Take it from the folks in this TV spot! 1995’s summer movies have been totally bogus. They’re ready to whack! What’s with the Bushwhacked voiceover? Doesn’t it sound like the same people who did the “They” in the They Live trailer? I wish they still did these types of TV spots. They are timeless. I’m sure the participants have no regrets.

KILL IT! KILL IT! KILLLL ITTTT!


Don’t get me wrong. I love Gremlins 2: The New Batch. But when I travel, the last thing I want to see when I open up my suitcase is the Brain Gremlin. I would run out of the room screaming. What the hell else is hiding in that demon bed? What were Hotel, Comfort, Quality and Clarion thinking?? This ad is horrifying. I’m fine with Mogwais sleeping on the extra twin bed, though.

The 5th Quarter


What if the shark in Jaws: The Revenge didn’t explode when the bowsprit hit it? What if the Brodys had taken it from the ocean and put it in a “home” on the Universal Studios backlot? That what-if is played out in this slow, but fascinating video. First watch the shark in 1992 with a crazy eye that’s all “Hey guys!” Then see a terrifying time jump ahead four years at the 0:40 mark (I’m not kidding; it startled me the first time I saw it). Next, see it lose all its teeth and pretty much melt in the sun. This is followed by a long gap where the shark is missing and we’re like “Is that it?” and then BOOM! at 3:06 we get the most awesome coda in the history of the Grab Bag! Can you imagine being the car behind the truck with a giant shark staring at you? I would follow that rig until the end of time.

Is This a WNUF Broadcast?


I can’t tell you how much I love this vintage news report from Jurassic Park’s opening night in June of 1993. The Bay Area didn’t know what hit it! Much to process. Let’s get started.

• 0:10 – Woah! What team won the championship that night? It wasn’t my Bulls. Can I watch that news story too?

• 1:22 – Tony Russomanno is such a badass. Ticket in advance paid for with cash American dollars. He done Park planned. 10:03 pm, he’s gonna drop the mic, camera crew be damned. As you’ll learn later, he moved heaven and earth to get to the theater. #OffTheClockReadyToRock P.S. Since he’s walking in late during the previews, will he miss the trailer for Heart and Souls?

• 1:40 – Good point. How much money did Citizen Kane ever make? That movie’s irrelevant. Dolla Dolla Bills Y’all!

• 2:30 – Why is that guy gonna wait 23+ hours in line? HE CAN BUY HIS TICKET IN ADVANCE!

• 2:36 – I have all the magazines! I have all the facts! Paid for in cash American dollars!

• 3:32 – Zoinks, Scoob! The marketing strategy! It’s so great! (Pulls shirt collar)

• 3:44 – The Associated Press can shove it. Way to call them out, Russomanno!

• 3:55 – “You pays your money, you takes your chances.” I love this guy.

• 4:00 – Why do they keep saying “American dollars?”

• 4:33 – Hope the popcorn’s good? Have you ever been to a movie? No one wishes someone good popcorn. Also, Tony just said he had to shake a leg to get in that theater. When will he have popcorn purchase cycles? Then the co-anchor says “We’ll have to hear what it’s about.” HELLO! There was just a news story about it. Were you sleeping? Park ain’t for dopes, sister.

You Can’t Handle The Truth


Are you excited about Hollywood? Don’t ask Michael Madsen. This went from an amateur, uncomfortable interview and turned into a therapy confessional. Boy, does he sound depressed. I like how she thanks him for being honest. Who wants an autograph?

The Song Rob Sings To Calm Me Down


If I could take the Mall Movie Time Machine back anywhere, it would be 1995 Australia because Movieland (a video rental store chain) in 30 seconds has become home. This song is beautiful. I want to rent all of those movies. I want this woman (whoever she is) to sing me my terminal illness diagnosis in my elder years so it doesn’t sound so bad. I love this jingle so much! No wonder all the young people in Australia are so beautiful when they have stuff like this dropped in their ears.

Supermad: The Quest For Lids


Why are there no lids for these Slurpees? Did you see how insta-pissed that kid gets when he gives up his drink? He got another one a second later. Relax kid. #TheQuestForPeaceOfMind

They’re Us. We’re Them And They’re Us


Ok. 1) That couple on the date will never go out again. There is lots of dead air and stating the obvious happening. I don’t care that he’s a himbo. 2) What’s with that creepy woman listening in on those girls before she decides to have the most basic drink at the concession stand? She’s got to be a serial killer. 3) No, dude, I’m not cool if you scream. It’s not all about you. If you know you have the predisposition to scream then check in with yourself and don’t do it. 4) Wait. This commercial was about how we’re all the same even though we are different? But most of these people are morons. We’re all morons at the movies? Thanks, Regal!

And that’s the end of the Grab Bag series. As always, leave any funny or cool movie-related clips in the comments below!

9 comments:

  1. Dear Jurassic Park Premire News Guy,

    Citizen Kane made approximately $1.6 million at the box office.

    Sincerely,

    The Internet Age

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    1. That equals about $27M in adjusted cash American dollars in 2017.

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  2. Jesus, Jaws: The Revenge Jaws aged almost as badly as my Granddad. Can't wait to have my first Jaws nightmare since I was 9.

    Other than I guess Star Wars has any movie ever lived up to they hype as much as Jurassic Park. I look at those people - especially the younger ones - all excited to go to that movie and I feel pretty confident that none of them were disappointed. Whatever you think about the story or whatever (also, fuck you AP) you got to see fucking dinosaurs in a movie. Has there really ever been a special effect that was actually that special? I think not!

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    Replies
    1. The first time I saw Jurassic Park was the most magical moviegoing experience I had during my youth.

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  3. Happy birthday, Chaybee.

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  4. I went to San Jose State and that Jurassic Park clips gave me all of the feels. Tony Russomono! Dave McElhatten (RIP!) Buying tickets in advance with your hard-earned money!

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    Replies
    1. Tony Russomono has his own YouTube channel. Here's another good one https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SapCdxVl4I0

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  5. I can still sing every word of that Movieland jingle, I just didn't know it until I pressed play on that video. Thanks for bringing this back into my life, Adam!!!! Man I miss video stores....

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  6. I hope you continue to have such quality articles to share with everyone! I believe a lot of people will be surprised to read this article!
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