Thursday, August 3, 2017

Never Have I Ever

by Adam Riske and Alejandra Gonzalez
Adam Riske and Alejandra Gonzalez and admit they’re not perfect.

Never Have I Ever #1: Gone to see a sold out movie, bought a ticket to a different movie and then walked in and stole someone else’s seat at the sold out show.

Alejandra: I have a strong feeling this may be the most self-incriminating thing I’ve ever been a part of, but I am guilty. For some reason (Leonardo DiCaprio), I thought it was absolutely dire that I watch The Revenant on its opening weekend. My friends and I were feeling adventurous, so we decided just to buy the tickets at the box office instead of in advance online. GRAVE MISTAKE. We were running a little late, so of course they were sold out by the time we got there. Still, we had a plan: we would just buy tickets to The Hateful Eight and sneak into the showing we really wanted. While we never got in trouble, I still did pay the price for my movie sin. I could barely enjoy the movie because I was so anxious about getting caught, and it turns out I would have probably had a better time watching The Hateful Eight anyway. I learned my lesson, and I haven’t done it since.

Adam: I’ve done this, too, but I had the opposite reaction when it came to feeling guilty. I went with friends to see The Blair Witch Project on opening night in its non-limited release and it was sold out, so I bought tickets to The Haunting (1999) and went into The Blair Witch Project. When the last people who had tickets came in and couldn’t find seats, they paced the stadium seating looking for a few minutes. I watched them do this and it was really annoying. I just wanted them to leave.

Alejandra: I’m glad at least one of us was able to get sleep those nights.

Never Have I Ever #2: Yelled obscenities at the screen during a movie

Adam: I have never.

Alejandra: For a while I was really proud that I hadn’t ever yelled at the screen, but that was ruined when I had to sit through the bio-hazardous waste scene in Suicide Squad. It was more of a loud groan, really, but I’m not proud of it.
Never Have I Ever #3: Booed or clapped at the end of a movie when there is no one who worked on the movie in the theater.

Alejandra: I have clapped at the end of a movie. Too many to name...have you not? One I particularly remember was Get Out this year. I mean, you get excited about an ending like that after the character has been through hell and gets out (haha!) alive. I’m really bad at this game, apparently.

Adam: I booed after The Village and The Ring Two. There was a general air of acceptance to boo those movies after they ended and I took advantage. I was also in my early twenties, so I think that had something to do with it. Now I’m old and probably would just scoff and slap my hand in the air if the movie under-delivered as much as those two movies did. I have never clapped at the end of a movie if there wasn’t a special guest there. When I hear people clapping at the end of a regular showing, I usually turn to whomever I’m with and say “They can’t hear you.”

Alejandra: I’m going to choose to not take offense to your shade towards both people in their early twenties and people who clap at the end of movies.

Never Have I Ever #4: Made the moves on a date at the movies.

Adam: I have made the moves on dates. A couple I remember are I asked a girl to give me a foot massage during Bringing Out the Dead (she did) and I made out with one of my friends for the last 45 minutes of Super Size Me. That one didn’t start as a date, but we were basically a couple by the time the credits rolled. She looked at me and stuck her tongue out after I made a joke or something. For some reason, I decided grabbing her tongue with my fingers was a good move. She laughed because it was awkward and next thing we knew she was getting Friske with Riske.

Alejandra: I would throw money at a shirt that read “Friske with Riske.” Being an absolute angel, I typically don’t kiss and tell but for the sake of this, yes I have. I mean, isn't it like a right of passage? We went to go watch Prometheus, but it was a daytime showing so there were very few people in the theater. It might have just been the sight of Fassbender, but I had to have my date right then and there, immediately. I told him we should sneak into Rock of Ages because there was probably less people in there, and to our complete and totally not expected surprise, the theater was actually a ghost town. I wonder why? Anyway, we did what we did and I’ve never looked back. Talk about coming of age.

Adam: You took him down to Paradise City.
Never Have I Ever #5: Stopped going to a theater to avoid someone who worked there.

Alejandra: I have never. I’m not one to let another person ruin convenience.

Adam: I have totally stopped going to a theater because of someone who worked there. There’s a theater within a two minute walk of my place that I can’t go to because of this one guy who works there. He makes me so uncomfortable. Like, nothing he’s doing is wrong but he acts too familiar when I want to be anonymous.

I went to see The Revenant (callback) for a second time and halfway through I thought to myself “Nah, I’m good. I got everything I needed to the first time” and decided to leave early. This guy, we’ll call him Dick, goes “Is everything ok? Are you going back in there?” I said “No, I’m going to take off.” Then like a week later I went back for a different movie and he goes “You going to stick around the whole time for this one? I just want to make sure you don’t have any complaints.” Another time, I ordered a small popcorn and he gave me a large. I said “No, I wanted a small.” Dick says “I know, but I’ll give you a large.” At one point, the theater changed from dine-in where waiters come in the theaters to take your order and serve your food to you ordering at the concession stand and then having to leave the auditorium to pick up your meal at the counter when your buzzer goes off. I ordered a burger once and Dick goes “Do you know about our new format?” and before I could answer no, he goes “Yeah, you know about it. You’re here all the time!”

Alejandra: Dick sounds like a real Richard. I guess if I was made uncomfortable, I probably would consider another theater, too.

Never Have I Ever #6: Gotten into a physical or verbal altercation in a movie theater.

Alejandra: I also unfortunately have gotten into a verbal altercation at a theater before. I’m actually getting just as mad as I was at that moment thinking about it now. Some douche bag behind me thought the back of my seat read “foot rest” and had his feet up on it the entire time. He kept pushing the seat and I politely asked him if he could please stop, to which he agreed. Except that he didn't stop, and kept doing it throughout the movie. Because I’m generally considerate, I didn't rip him a new one right then because I didn't want to interrupt the movie for everyone else. When the movie was over, I told him he was super rude and hoped that he was happy he ruined the movie for me to which he said that he was and called me a bitch under his breath. It wasn’t a huge verbal altercation, but it ruined the night for sure.

Adam: Your recounting of that incident gives me the creeps. That guy sucks. This game’s not fun anymore.
Never Have I Ever #7: Went to an usher or manager to complain about someone in a theater.

Alejandra: OH GOD, of course I have. Actually, the most recent time was when I went to go watch Split for the first time. I was really anticipating it, but I made the mistake of going to a mall theater on a Saturday night. Everyone knows Saturday night is when high school kids go to the movies in packs of, like, 12; still, I decided to overlook it. It was loud in the theater, but I figured that once the movie started it would obviously quiet down. It didn't, and I apparently missed the memo that Split was a comedy, because one group of kids kept laughing at the most inappropriate parts. I've only ever walked out of a movie twice, but not 15 minutes in I couldn't take it anymore and went to complain. All they did for me was give me a rain check pass so I could watch it another time. And when I did, I hated it so it made me even madder! I can never win.

Adam: I have but I just ask for a refund. I don’t want to get in a whole beef with a psycho in the theater.

Never Have I Ever #8: Taken a picture or video clip of the screen during a movie.

Adam: I’ve never taken a video clip because that’s piracy. I have taken a picture once, and it happened just this past Friday. I was in a theater seeing A Ghost Story and the only other person in the theater had walked out about a half hour before. The movie is very strange, so I was way more on edge seeing it alone than I would have been if I had seen the movie with a decent sized audience. Security people and theater employees kept walking in to check the exit doors or look at stuff (?) and each time I heard the creak of the door open or saw peeking heads in the dark I was scared. During one scene in A Ghost Story, the movie stops cold for a monologue about existence and the meaning of life. It was unbearable because the people listening to this b.s. (in the movie) were drinking alcohol out of mason jars and the guy espousing it was dirty and wearing overalls. I took a picture of the guy to make fun of him to Rob, who I was texting during the movie.
Never Have I Ever #9: Went to see a movie with a friend or family member and had to pretend you hadn’t seen the movie yet because you couldn’t wait and saw it without them the first time.

Alejandra: Oh god, if any of my friends are reading this I AM SORRY but I went to go watch Interstellar without you. Look, I knew that none of them would have wanted to spend the extra money on IMAX, so I lied and said that I was busy Friday but could go on Saturday to watch it. The group agreed to watch it Saturday. And technically, I didn’t LIE about being busy, because I was busy watching Interstellar by myself on IMAX. Until this day, they never found out.

Last one! Never Have I Ever #10: Judged someone for doing the things we just confessed to doing at the movies.

Adam: Of course, because they are not me.


  1. I sometimes wish there was some sort of panic button under the arm rests. That way, in the event of someone being an asshole or a technical malfunction, you can remain anonymous and not miss any of the movie.

  2. I have told multiple people to either 'shut up' or 'get off your phone' in the theater. My wife hates it, but I feel satisfied and I haven't been shot (yet).

    Frisky with Riske is gold.

    1. I always used to just move away when people bothered me. But now that every theater has reserved seating, I'm forced to tell people to shut it. I feel bad cause it's mostly teens and middle aged women. But, you know, fuck em.

  3. I have never initiated, but have definitely joined in on clapping for a great movie. It makes me happy knowing that I shared an emotional experience with a group of strangers. Notable claps I can remember were for THE DARK KNIGHT, INGLORIOUS BASTERDS, GET OUT and twice for LA LA LAND (at the end of the opening sequence and the end credits).

    I have done #9 more times than I can remember.

  4. When I saw "My Bloody Valentine 3D" in a packed theater, there was a woman who was obviously drunk or mentally ill with her two teenage kids there and she was cursing out loud before the opening credits had even ended. People were yelling at her to "shut up" and she would say "Fuck you, I'll fuckin' kill you mother fucker!". This went on for thirty-five minutes when finally the police showed up, handcuffed her and escorted her out. The whole theater stood up and applauded as she walked the aisle. It was great, though I felt bad for her kids.

    When I saw "Independence Day" in the theater, there was a trailer for whatever Star Trek Movie was coming out that year. The build up looked great and one guy yelled "uh oh!", really excited. Then when the trailer revealed it was a Star Trek movie he yelled "Awwwww, Helllll no!" Everyone cracked up. That was actually funny.

  5. I've never done any of these. :( I don't know what that says about me. I'm boring, perhaps? Oh well...

    1. I take it back. I've definitely clapped at the end of a movie on multiple occasions.

  6. These are the things I miss out on since almost all my theater viewing is done after hours. I guess I could clap or yell at the movie and nobody would ever know.

  7. The Hunger Games: Catching Fire was a crossover hit to hip, adult audiences, but someone obviously forgot to tell the preview selection people, because all we got were horrible-looking YA adaptations trying to ridge the HG wave. I think it was at the end of the Vampire Academy trailer that I loudly booed. Got some solid laughs and maybe even a stray clap or two for that one.