I'm sorry you spent time watching this, when you could've been at the dentist or something. It's so bad it made me doubt all movies, until I saw the original as an antidote.
Hey, I had a very similar reaction. It's aggressively mediocre. It made me so upset I went off on a whole tirade about remakes and the state of the movie industry.
Men Behind the Sun 3: A Narrow Escape (1994, dir. Godfrey Ho)
ReplyDeleteBoring Chinese Nazisploitation, from their Bruno Mattei.
A Ghost Story (2017)
ReplyDeleteAffleck seriously buff in brief sheetless scene.
Scream and Scream Again (1970, dir. Gordon Hessler)
ReplyDeleteDeliberately confusing Price/Lee/Cushing oddity. Frustrating.
Julia's Eyes (2010, Dir: Guillem Morales)
ReplyDeleteKinda unfair to call them Julia's eyes.
Wes Craven’s New Nightmare (1994)
ReplyDeleteMeta before meta realized it was meta
Sheitan (2006, dir. Kim Chapiron)
ReplyDeleteAwesome Cassel performance; takes forever getting started.
Road Games (1981)
ReplyDeleteButtloads of Keach, not enough Jamie Lee
Snow White: A Tale of Terror (1997): Mallificent mirror makes mourning mother mad murderess.
ReplyDeleteBlack Christmas (1974)
ReplyDeleteME
Goodbye!
OLIVIA HUSSEY
Goodbye??...Goodbye??!!...
GOODBYE!!!!!????
Ghost World (2001)
ReplyDeleteZero ghosts, just one funny looking guy.
Pumpkinhead (1988)
ReplyDeleteTracy has some interesting ideas regarding balls.
The Dead Zone (1983)
ReplyDeleteHard to review without pissing off JB
Ghostwatch (1992(
ReplyDeleteWeirdly disturbing; more truthful than Fox News.
CRY_WOLF (2005)
ReplyDeleteShot through the heart was very prophetic.
TURISTAS (2006)
ReplyDeleteJohn Stockwell must really like the beach.
THE MESSENGERS (2007)
ReplyDeleteEven K-Stew couldn't save us from this.
The Gorgon (1964)
ReplyDeleteStarting final push on scary movie list
Or
I needed some Cushing for the pushing
The Blob (1988)
ReplyDeleteDillon's mullet makes me want to blob.
Scream (1996) (With my high school film class)
ReplyDeleteHad to explain land lines to students.
or
Students on Randy: "Mr D., that's you!"
Best compliment ever!!
DeleteI had to explain to my students who the blond girl was, and why it was a big deal she got killed in the start.
DeleteFrom Beneath (2012)
ReplyDeleteProof that not everyone can be Cronenberg.
Microwave Massacre (1983)
ReplyDeleteSo hungry I could eat a whore...
OR
Puns! Puns everywhere! Patrick must be delighted
Or
Who cooks "great" coussine in a microwave?
My Bloody Valentine (1981)
ReplyDeleteThe best parties are held in mineshafts.
Sleepy Hollow (1999)
ReplyDeleteWhat drops more; heads or people fainting?
Drag Me To Hell (2009)
ReplyDeleteNow it’s quiet, now it’s loud. Repeat.
Kuroneko (1968)
ReplyDeleteHauntingly beautiful, but that guy's not 22.
The Fog (2005 remake)
ReplyDeleteYou lost me with Fall Out Boy.
I'm sorry you spent time watching this, when you could've been at the dentist or something. It's so bad it made me doubt all movies, until I saw the original as an antidote.
DeleteHey, I had a very similar reaction. It's aggressively mediocre. It made me so upset I went off on a whole tirade about remakes and the state of the movie industry.
DeleteAll The Colours Of The Dark, aka Day Of The Maniac, aka They're Coming To Get You, aka Tutti I Colori Del Buio (1972)
ReplyDeleteEdwige Fenech, scrambling, screaming, showering? Yes please.
Or
Relieve life problems with vitamins and Satan
Island of Lost Souls (1932)
ReplyDeleteThis story still hasn't been filmed better.
The Ritual (2017)
ReplyDeleteThat Swedish deer Loki Thor them apart.
Candyman (1992)
ReplyDeleteWas promised a golden ticket, given bees.
Audition (1999)
ReplyDeleteIf Fatal Attraction met Misery and Saw.
Silence of the Lambs (1991)
ReplyDeleteBuffalo Bill- transvestite... or Robert Plant cosplayer?
Halloween (1978)
ReplyDeleteThrow a chair through the fucking window
Leprechaun 4: In Space (1997)
ReplyDeleteWas that middle finger intended for us?
Tetsuo: The Iron Man (1989)
ReplyDeleteImagine Marvel with this guy, not Stark.
The Forest (1982)
ReplyDeleteStandard slasher with added bonus: ghost kids!
Species (1995)
ReplyDeleteLike Bye Bye Man, casually introduces psychic.
The Mist (2007)
ReplyDeleteBlack and white highlighting shades of grey.
Oooh clever
DeleteSpecies (1995)
ReplyDeleteS&M, Bondage, Tentacle porn. Movie has Everything!
"Have you seen Alien? It's like a sub-par Species."
Deleteringu 1998
ReplyDeletevhs anti piracy measures, a bit harsh
The Midnight Hour (1985)
ReplyDeleteIn the running for funnest movie ever.
Deathgasm (2015)
ReplyDeleteHeavy metal forward is worse than backward.
Event Horizon (1997)
ReplyDeleteSam Neill seeks out his intergalactic velociraptor.
the wicker man 1973
ReplyDeletepagan anti celibacy measures, a bit harsh
the wicker man 1973
ReplyDeletepagan anti celibacy measures, a bit harsh
Billy the Kid Versus Dracula (1966)
ReplyDeleteYOU could make a better horror movie.
Honeymoon Horror (1982)
ReplyDelete"Honeymoon Island." That's a real place, right?
Raw Force (1982)
ReplyDeleteWarriors Island: ideal destination for beach vacation.
"House of 1,000 Corpses" (2003)
ReplyDeleteChicken will never be the same again.
Found Footage 3D in 2D (2016)
ReplyDeleteCareful! Those fourth wall shards are sharp.
Pieces (1982) with fthismovie commentary
ReplyDeleteEnding: Like cutting off Micheal Jordan's arms.
Evil Dead 2 (1987)
ReplyDeleteThe best Muppet movie since the original.
Poltergeist III (1988)
ReplyDeleteBoyle's character is named Donna?!? Where's James?
The Innkeepers (2011)
ReplyDeleteMaybe the ghost just wanted fresh towels?
The Final Girls (2015)
ReplyDeleteCamp Bloodbath 3 will be the standout.
Mad Monster Party (1967)
ReplyDeleteFrankenstein’s monster almost becomes The Diller Killer.
Tremors (1990)
ReplyDeleteThe most likable horror movie cast ever?
Candyman (1992)
ReplyDeleteBee meaning to replace that medicine cabinet.
A Bay of Blood (1971)
ReplyDeleteSlitting all the throats in the bay.
Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell (1990)
ReplyDeleteTitle makes promise that movie doesn't deliver.
The Babysitter (2017)
ReplyDeleteMcWould've McBeen a Mcbetter McMovie without McG
Mcgreed!
DeleteSaw (2004)
ReplyDeleteSorry, I will Elwes love this movie.
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
ReplyDeleteI want to visit that toy store.
The Prowler (1981)
ReplyDeleteDecent movie but what were motives? Questions?
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1984)
ReplyDeleteImagine Hooper if it was weed-whacker massacre.
Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood (2003)
ReplyDeleteHow is this fucking franchise still going?
Night of The Living Dead (1990)
ReplyDeleteThis is the secret origin of Candyman.
Antibirth (2016)
ReplyDelete"What the fuck....did I just watch?"
They Live
ReplyDeleteMaybe the big fight could be... longer?
Saw Mark Hamill's twig while doing Twiggy.
ReplyDeleteThe Fly (1986) Dir. David Cronenberg
ReplyDeleteChristian Bale would've used a bloody double.
In The Mouth of Madness (1994)
ReplyDeleteMan, Sam Neil has seen some shit.
The Green Chamber of Linnais (Linnaisten Vihreä Kamari) (1945)
ReplyDeleteFamily secrets, counterfeit Counts, drafty castle. #noblemanproblems
Son of Dracula (1943)
ReplyDeleteDracula spelled backwards is not very compelling.
Dracula's Daughter (1936)
ReplyDeleteNo joking - this is a wonderful film!
Asylum (1972)
ReplyDeletePeter Cushing and the technicolor death suit.
Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood (2003)
ReplyDeleteUse this review as my suicide note.
Happy Death Day (2017)
ReplyDeleteIt's like déja vu all over again.
The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)
ReplyDeleteStill beats up your dad's horror movie.
As Above So Below (2014)
ReplyDeleteMore like International Treasure: Book of Secrets
The Invitation (2015)
ReplyDeleteI want Scary Month to roll on.
In the Mouth of Madness
ReplyDeleteDoubt he's actually sorry about the balls.
Creep (2014)
ReplyDeleteCamera man wanted for his life’s work!
Eaten Alive (1976)
ReplyDeleteMan, Judd is really BITING his time.
Stitches (2012)
ReplyDeleteOpening a jar is a plot device.
I am Not a Serial Killer (2016)
ReplyDeleteNonviolent sociopath? Been telling people this interminably.
The Lamp (1987)
ReplyDeleteMakes Wishmaster look like… Wishmaster, I guess.
The Babadook (2014)
ReplyDeleteJB was right, this one is special
Wrong Turn (2003)
ReplyDeleteHow is Eliza's tank staying so clean?
Urban Legend
ReplyDeleteProof that Jared Leto was once normal.
Leatherface (2017)
ReplyDeleteWhy, why, why, why was this made?
Night of of the Seagulls (1975)
ReplyDeleteIt's Straw Dogs, but with templar zombies?
The Burning (1981)
ReplyDeleteCampfire story scene accurately describes movie's producer.
The Final Girls (2015)
ReplyDeleteThis is funny! Wait, why'm I crying?
American Psycho (2000)
ReplyDeleteSocial thriller or cocaine induced yuppie horror?
Stir of Echoes:
ReplyDeleteI would have rather been raped instead
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHouse of Wax (2005)
ReplyDeleteParis Hilton is definitely no Janet Leigh.
The Faculty (1998)
ReplyDeleteI forgot Elijah Wood was a teenager
Halloween (1978)
ReplyDeleteThis movie is slowly growing on me.
or
DeleteDarn teenagers, always stealing knives and rope.