Christmastime can be stressful if you have any interest in playing along. Full confession: I hate Christmas. Except for Christmas music, which is something of a guilty pleasure of mine, everything else can go—the snow, the traffic, the rush of good movies released during the holidays instead of parceled out during the rest of the year, the obligations to decorate, the obligations to spend time with relatives, the obligation to be pleasant, and that baby Jesus with his self-satisfied little smirk.
And then there are the obligations to buy gifts. Boy howdy, if the time, ingenuity, and money that go into holiday gift-giving each year were re-applied somewhere else, we could cure cancer and erase the national debt.
Also, get off my lawn!
Let’s face it. If you are reading this column and you are not finished with your holiday shopping, you are probably hosed. C’mon, you heartless Scrooge—Christmas is less than a week away. If, however, you have movie-lovers on your gift list, who are often “traditionally difficult” to buy for, here are some suggestions from me to you. Many of these gifts require Amazon Prime to make Christmas delivery a reality. I am, of course, assuming that everyone within the sound of my voice is a member of Amazon Prime. If not, I am moved to tears by your tragic plight.
Also, you are probably hosed.
10) Awful Blu-Ray Gift Pack ($55)
NOTE: These films are not suitable for kiddies, so make sure that those little sugarplums are nestled warm in their beds before you watch and snicker.
9) 2500 Lumen Zoom-able Cree XML T6 LED 18650 Flashlight ($10.99)
BONUS: Bring this baby to the movies and when some doofus uses the flashlight on his @$%*&%! phone to light the way to his seat after the movie has started, shine this beacon of hope into his eyes. Give him a taste of his own medicine! Be the light you DON’T want to see in the world. #xmasrevenge
8) Real Popcorn Machine ($160.99)
Once you have this mighty treat Goliath, you can then search the internet for the tropical oils that made popcorn the religious experience it once was… until the people at Science in the Public Interest raised questions about “health risks” and “calories” and “bad cholesterol” and “sudden heart attacks,” and all the movie theaters switched to canola oil. Bleccccccch.
Oh, here it is! Ever eaten popcorn cooked in palm kernel or coconut oil? No? Well, it is a taste delight. Bonus—it says here that you can also use the coconut oil to make your own soap! Decide now; would you rather have thirty more years of life, eating Styrofoam packing peanuts or ten more years of life, eating this movie-time manna from heaven?
I thought so.
For an extra treat, may I suggest you try Himalayan pink salt? It’s delicious on popcorn. Trust me.
7) BFI Monographs (Between $10 and $15)
at length in the past. Why not start with Peter Kramer’s delightful exploration of Buster Keaton’s masterpiece, The General, and then “choose your own adventure” from there? You will not be sorry. Some of the BFI books are available for the Kindle platform, so INSTANT GIFT… assuming your loved one actually owns a Kindle or has downloaded the free Kindle app onto any mobile device.
6) A Bowl Full of Starbursts (Price varies, depending on quality of bowl and quantity of candy)
2. Fill with Starbursts
3. Who doesn’t like Starbursts?
4. Can you use leftover Starbursts from Halloween? Yes. Yes you can.
5) Creepy Co Surprise Candles ($14.99)
4) Hand-Made Coupon for a Free Backrub During a Movie! ($0)
3) This Damn Thing. (Free)
2) Movie Candy (Any Walgreens or CVS, Price varies.)
1) Heather Wixson’s New Book, The Monster Squad ($28/$38)
Now I’m going to take my bowl of Starbursts and go finish Heather’s book. Have your selves a Merry Little Christmas, F-Heads!