Riske Business: The Grab Bag Vol. 6

by Adam Riske

My most personal grab bag yet.

Everyone Says “Those were $500 sunglasses, asshole”



In the summer of 2009, I got sick and needed to have surgery. It was a scary time and it made me depressed for a while. One of my methods of therapy was to watch a lot of videos on YouTube. This random video led to another random video and another. Eventually I started watching Nostalgia Critic videos on his site. Another person I was watching at the time was a Mortal Kombat video blogger named TMK, even though I am only a casual Mortal Kombat fan. So, when TMK discovered that the Nostalgia Critic made a parody video review of the Mortal Kombat movie, it was like all my worlds were colliding. This video is one of my favorite TMKs, because despite the usual fanboy trappings, I admire his passion. I love few things as much as he loves Mortal Kombat. Watch and enjoy one of my ultimate secret shames. I also recommended his multiple-part Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull mega rant and the video he made of himself chugging Coronas while listening to the Mortal Kombat theme song on a loop. I can’t believe he’s still making videos ten years later. It’s comforting in a way.

Journalism



Do you remember that awful show MTV Movie House, where a movie star would go into a video store, mug, and pick up three DVDs they’re pretending to rent? Well sometimes they did interviews, too. This has got to be the worst one. It’s rapper Master P interviewing (I use that term loosely) Hayden Christensen back when Attack of the Clones was in theaters. Witness an interview that could never take place in 2018. Wow.

This Isn’t a Real Contest, Is It?



“Aye, you! I got those Bingo tickets. Gimme your social security number! I swear this is legit! Where’s the screening? Stop asking so many questions! Fuck me? No, fuck you!”

What If I Were to Tell You They’re Friends Everlasting?



Why in the hell was I not at this convention? This clip is so heartwarming. Also, Andrew Divoff is the nicest person ever right? Tammy Lauren is in the tech world now? I couldn’t find her on LinkedIn. This is like Djinn Hellabrew (a Wishmaster beer Divoff brews that I can’t get anywhere in the Midwest) all over again.

What a Lucky Mac



I just discovered this old Apple Computers ad starring Kevin Costner as a bike riding-dog walking-working on the weekend-businessman. It’s very brief but he’s exceptional in it: charisma with a capital “C.” I like when he stares at the monitor. It reminds me of someone who’s zoned out at work but still trying to look like they’re deep in thought. Whoever he’s having breakfast with is #blessed. I’m going to add a “Costner Computer with Tammy Tech” to my Hanukkah wish list. TWO MORE WISHEZZZZZZ!!!!

Cure for the Summertime Blues



This 30-second spot for the Free Willy soundtrack is basically art. It does so much right – a) they play bits from the two most effervescent tracks on the album (“Will You Be There” and “Right Here” (Human Nature Remix)), b) 0:11 the whale jump money shot and c) at 0:18 they start playing SWV’s song over the bluest, most shimmering ocean water ever – it’s very soothing and refreshing. It makes you feel like everything is going to be okay. P.S. Coming soon to the '90s Kids Movie Club: the Free Willy sequels!

How Many Times Did They Rent Back to the Future Part II?



Lots to unpack:

0:01 to 0:06 – Why is this family so grabby?

0:12 – Why is the young boy just listing things in the movie? His sister is better at this because she gave benefits and not just features in her pitch.

0:15 – How did the video store guy not laugh in the dad’s face when he asked, “What does this Previously Viewed sticker mean?”

0:22 – These kids need to dial it back. They’re “We’re going to Showbiz Pizza” excited.

“Welcome to Street Date, B**ch!”



I saved the best for last.

I don’t know why there are VHS retailer skits for several films in the Nightmare on Elm Street series, but boy am I glad there are!

• The monologue starting at 1:14 might be the greatest thing ever. This guy should have a 1-900 number where you just call and say, “Tell me about [insert any movie]” and he’ll go “Girls Trip is the comedy genre. It grossed...”

• I absolutely adore how worked up Freddy gets about rental projections in these videos. At the end of the day, Freddy is just a businessman.

• That P.O.P. kit is something else! I wish I had that counter card for Lisa Wilcox to sign at a con!

• I need to watch that Whodini music video pronto! UPDATE: It’s amazing.

• Why can’t “Dave in VHS Sales” be its own Netflix show?

• Has anyone seen Down Twisted? That’s not a real movie, is it?

Do you have any fun movie-related clips to share? Leave a comment with the link below!