by Adam Riske
Mo Indies Mo Problems
Beating the Movie
A mystery is not amazing because you were surprised by the ending and it’s not bad because you figured out who the killer is before the third act. It’s not a game.
Lost in Space
Arrival, Gravity, Interstellar, and First Man. Think outside the bun, filmmakers! Space is cool. Be about space. These movies are like going on a first date to an amusement park, but then your date introduces you to their kid who then comes along and now you can’t go on the tall people rides.
Top 10 Torture
This is mostly me griping at myself. I hate being annoyed at the end of the year when Oscar bait films under-deliver (i.e. won’t make my personal top 10 list). A 3-star awards contender in December is basically a complete waste of time.
Halloween (2018) reviews where people expected it to reinvent slasher films. If we deconstruct everything then there is no thing anymore. Making a good version of the thing is enough.
Sidequels or Requels
Speaking of Halloween (2018) or that Neil Blomkamp RoboCop project that’s supposed to happen, stop with the sidequels or requels. Re-doing a sequel (thus creating a splintered universe) is the height of hubris. You’re dumping on fans and the filmmakers of the previous real sequels that built on the original series continuity and saying your concept is better. It’s big-budget fanfiction. Just make direct sequels. If you don’t want to deal with what came before, then go make your own new movie with similar influences without using the iconography from someone else’s thing.
Horror Talking Heads
“Here! Take My Beloved Heirloom!”
Toy Story (they don’t take up that much space), Maverick didn’t need to throw away Goose’s dog tags (the ocean doesn’t need them), the kid in Super 8 shouldn’t have to let go of his late mother’s necklace to give to the alien (he’ll miss it). These are totems with deep personal significance. Why does getting rid of them make you more healed? It would make me more sad.
Next-Level Audible Appreciators
When I saw Bohemian Rhapsody, I sat next to a person who went “Mmmmm” and then nodded whenever someone said something remotely lesson-based. They did this during the trailer for Green Book, too, to almost comical effect. Another time I went to the movies recently there was a trailer for Bad Times at the El Royale and a couple next to me would dance to five-second song drops playing in the trailer or quote lines of dialogue from it that they thought were awesome. I’m happy when people like movies, but I don’t want to hear/see them liking a movie to this level.
Rampage? Let’s do this, yo!
Your turn! What are some of your movie-related gripes?