by Anthony King
The light at the end of the 52/82 tunnel is a tiny pinhead of a spot, but I can see it. As I was rewatching film 37 it occurred to me that, if blessed enough to have the opportunity to write for F This Movie! for another year, maybe I should finally tackle my true love: '80s cop movies, aka Neon Badges (if you know you know). I hear you asking, “Why? We're waiting with bated breath. Do tell us, oh elusive Anthony, why, in fact, film 37 would elicit such memories of podcasts past?” Film 37, dear reader, is the Chuck Norris action/sci-fi/horror and, yes, '80s cop movie, Silent Rage.
While at the hospital, Norris runs into an old flame played by Toni Kalem, who turns out to be Ron Silver's sister. Upon their initial meeting, Kalem slaps Norris, he smirks, and then says, “How ya been?” in that Chuck Norris schmooze. There are many things I don't care to see in my movie-watching, and one of those things is horny Chuck Norris. As a matter of fact, I can think of only a small handful of things in cinema that I find more repulsive than Chuck Norris in romantic mode. Let's be honest, folks. Chuck Norris is a hell of an action star. I love his movies. He's got great facial hair and he can kick really high in tight-fitting jeans. But horny Chuck Norris is as pleasing as chewing on moldy toenails. He is so goddamn horny in this movie, it's infuriating. Included in Silent Rage is the most awkward love-making montage in cinema history. I challenge you to find a more uncomfortable montage of people trying to have sex. Again, Chuck Norris: helluva punch and kick. But I've seen bricks that contain more charisma than this man. He is a sucking wound of glamour. In this single three-minute montage of maladroitness, we see our couple feeding each other fruit before going full make-out (mouths full of half-chewed berries) while Chuck pushes the remaining fruit away with his bare foot (was the camera push-in necessary?). We see the two of them swinging recklessly and wildly on a hammock, again involving fruit. All while Peg Bundy herself, Katey Sagal, is belting out the song “It's the Time for Love.” Like a car wreck, it's impossible to look away from this nightmare.