Tuesday, December 12, 2023

FTM Holiday Gift Guide

 by Rosalie Lewis

All Mariah Carey wants for Christmas is you, but the rest of us are secretly hoping for one or two other holiday surprises. Whether you’re shopping for a casual moviegoer or asking someone who is less movie inclined to shop for you, the movie obsessed, this list has a little something for everyone—even the family dog!

Disclaimer: I am not made of millions like Bill Murray in Scrooged, so I have not ordered and personally tried all of the items on this list; nor can I guarantee they’ll arrive by the designated holiday gift exchange. But hopefully it still gives you some fun ideas to peruse!

John Waters Soap – What better way to clean your hands than with soap from the King of Filth himself, director John Waters? It’s even dirt-scented.
Mean Girls Air Freshener – Get in loser, we’re going shopping and now the pesky smell of week-old Taco Bell hot sauce mixed with curdled Starbucks holiday drink in the back seat will barely be noticeable thanks to this air freshener! Note: This Etsy seller also has air fresheners featuring Taylor Swift, Post Malone, and Lana Del Rey if you’re shopping for a music fan.

The Big Lebowski Bandaids – For when you cut off a toe and need a way to stop the bleeding.

Do the Right Thing Phone Case – Last on the dial and first in your hearts.

Point Break Fridge Magnets – Every time you go to the freezer for meat waffles, get reminded of your favorite pure adrenaline heroes. This shop also features cards, stickers, and magnets of lots of other awesome movie and TV characters. I have a Kevin Bacon, a True Romance, and a Jareth the Goblin King on my fridge at home.


Hereditary Gingerbread Treehouse Kit– Fun for the whole family, much like the movie.

Home Alone Enamel Pins – To wear or, in case of home invasion, to place sharp side up near an entrance to the home.

Christmas Movie Activity Book – The only place I found on the internet to buy a coloring book that features The Princess Switch movie.
When Harry Met Sally Ornament – A memorable quote from movie that has lots of them; and it’s perfect for having on the tree during New Year’s when this movie’s romantic climax takes place! This shop also features ornaments for While You Were Sleeping, The Shop Around the Corner, The Apartment, and Christmas in Connecticut.

The Many Faces of Nicolas Cage As Ornaments – Mostly for Patrick, and anyone else who loves Nicolas Cage the way they should.
VHS Tape Ornament – For the retro lovers.


Chungking Express apron – Best accompanied by a can of pineapples with a sell-by date of May 1.
Hellraiser Pinhead cutting board – There was no wooden acting in this movie, but there is a wooden kitchen implement inspired by it.

Christmas Vacation Todd & Margo dish towels – For unexpected wetness.

Repo Man Beer Koozie – For all the ordinary fuckin’ people you know. This shop also sells glasses, mugs, and koozies related to Mulholland Drive, They Live, The Stuff, Road House, UHF, Halloween, and Gremlins 2.

Creature From the Black Lagoon Tiki Mug – Truly a gift with universal appeal.

Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown Glass – Whether you’re sipping sangria or serving up spiked gazpacho, this glass won’t crack under pressure.

Mrs. Doubtfire Glass – Part of the “Dads Who Are Trying” collection, which also features Dads from The Host, Raising Arizona, and The Sopranos.
The Iron Giant Bottle Opener – Open your heart, your home, and your beverage to this Vin Diesel-voiced robot.

Wild at Heart His & Hers Mugs – If you don’t have a snakeskin jacket, you can always use these mugs to act as a symbol of your individuality and your belief in personal freedom (and true love).


A Nightmare on Elm Street Freddy Hanging Planter – In case you want to plant the idea that dreams can kill you.

Little Shop of Horrors planter set – Every household in America should have one.


Criterion Collection Movie Postcards – Get everything you ever dreamed of from the Criterion closet… in postcard form!
Pam Grier Spiral Notebook – For writing Coffy fan fiction.

Tremors Lunchbox – Keep your sandwich and chocolate milk away from the graboids! Also available: They Live lunchbox.

“Coming Soon To Own On Video and DVD” Coin Pouch – A place to save your pennies for the next big home video release.

White Heat Duffel Bag – Hit the gym with this bag so you can stay in shape for your own police chase one day.

Nora Ephron Tote Bag – Maybe your destined future mate will spot this and spark up a conversation with you.
Child’s Play Chucky Fanny Pack – A great place to store anything that might protect you from a possessed doll.
Scream mini messenger bag – For anyone who’s not yet tired of answering the question, “What’s your favorite scary movie?”

Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory Top Hat Purse – Perfect for sneaking candy into the movie theater.
An American Tail Fievel Mini Backpack – Somewhere out there, beneath the pale moonlight, someone needs this adorable backpack.

Jean-Claude Van Damme Comforter – If this doesn’t get your special someone in the mood, I don’t know what will.

It Pennywise Huggable Pillow – Laying on this feels like you’re floating. Other movies featured at this shop include Labyrinth and Edward Scissorhands.
Klute Throw Pillow – Tap into ‘70s paranoia and Jane Fonda’s sexiness with this decorative cushion.
John Waters Throw Blanket – To impress the in-laws.


Martin Scorsese Plush Doll – Technically this is listed as a dog toy but I’m giving side eye to anyone who lets their pet chew on this god of cinema. Also available: David Lynch, Quentin Tarantino, Stanley Kubrick, Robert Pattinson, Al Pacino, John Travolta, Robert De Niro, Zendaya, Woody Allen, Taylor Swift, The Weeknd, Vincent Cassell, and Mads Mikkelson.

The Princess Bride Rodent of Unusual Size Plush – Perfect to bring on your next camping trip to the fire swamp. This site also features a replica Inigo Montoya sword in case you encounter a six-fingered man in your travels.

Killer Klowns From Outer Space JoJo’s Ice Cream Truck figurine – For those who want to live deliciously. Other figures on this site: Leatherface, Wednesday Addams, Ghost Face, Sloth, Jack Torrance, Stripe, Harley Quinn

Happy Death Day Masked Killer Plush Doll – In case you want to relive watching this movie over and over. Other plush dolls include Pee-Wee Herman, Ash from Army of Darkness, characters from Dungeons & Dragons, and many more. Also, these are technically dog toys too but once more, I think would be perfectly acceptable for humans.

Psycho Goreman Long-Sleeve Tee – For hunky boys and girls the world over.
Streets of Fire Raymond Shaddock and the Bombers Tee – For people who enjoy rooting for the villains.
From Dusk Til Dawn Trucker Hat – For Robert Rodriguez fans who are in it for the long haul.

Troll 2: Visit Nilbog Tee – Do you know what Nilbog spells backwards?
Fallen Angels Scarf – For those who hadn’t expected winter to come so soon.

The Fast and the Furious Letty Tee – Because in this house, it’s all about family.

Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift Han Tee – For when fifty percent of something is better than one hundred percent of nothing.
Barbie Allan’s Button Down Shirt – Why settle for Kenough when you could have it All(an)?

Barbie Acrylic Nails Set – Boom. Nailed it.
The Shining Twins Wallpaper Beanie – For those days when it’s so cold you’re seeing double.
Clueless Dionne and Murray Oversized Tee – For the person who isn’t answering any of your pages. This site also features clothing celebrating Brittany Murphy, Alicia Silverstone, and other Clueless-inspired items.
United Artists Logo Tee – For all the Mary Pickford fans on your list.

M Dress – A child murdering Peter Lorre, but make it fashion.

A Nightmare on Elm Street Puffer Coat – Don’t sleep on this killer jacket.

Shrek Mini Waffle Maker – Recreate that swampy breakfast flavor.

Shrek Slippers – Protect those ogre feet from the elements.

Shrek Intimate Portrait – Apparently, it’s easier being green than it’s ever been before.