Tuesday, July 27, 2010

F This Movie! - The Dark Knight

The Christopher Nolan lovefest continues as Patrick and Alex adopt their best scratchy voices and F the 2008 blockbuster The Dark Knight. It's better than going to a comic book festival.

Check out the fan-made posters for Gotham City referenced in the show, as well as the fan film Batman: Dead End.

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Also discussed this episode: Salt (2010), The Kids Are All Right (2010)

Thursday, July 22, 2010

F These Female Action Movies

With Angelina Jolie kicking ass in Salt this weekend, it's time to look at some other action movies starring ladies. They can do all the same stuff as boys!

1. Kill Bill Vol. 1/Kill Bill Vol. 2 (2003/2004) - The best female action movie(s) of all time, featuring the best female action hero of all time.

2. Red Sonja (1985) - I can't believe Brigitte Nielsen didn't become a movie star off of this one. It might have been the hair, which has at least influenced certain segments of lesbian culture.

3. Point of No Return (1993) - The American remake of La Femme Nikita isn't as bad as you think. It's just kind of generic and Bridget Fonda doesn't make the most convincing action star -- which, I would argue, is kind of the point.

3. Resident Evil (2002) - Picking the best video game movie is like picking the best kind of hepatitis (it's B). Having said that, Resident Evil still might be the best video game movie, even though it's not very good -- certainly not good enough to warrant three sequels (including the upcoming 3-D installment Resident Evil: Afterlife). The movie would be much better if Milla Jovovich was still playing Lee-Loo.

4. Coffy (1973) - Coffy kicks so much fucking ass. Not ironic ass. Sincere ass. Pam Grier is the shit. A fantastic movie.

5. Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001) - Cast an impossibly sexy actress as an impossibly sexy video game creation and you get an impossibly sucky movie.

6. Charlie's Angels (2000) - They're not dumb, they're cute, right? The action isn't all that great (because McG), but at least the movie seems to know exactly what it is. Spice World with wire-fu.

7. Aliens (1986) - Ellen Ripley is just behind Beatrix Kiddo for the most kick-ass girl in the history of movies. Like Tarantino, James Cameron gets that making a great female action hero doesn't just mean having her act like a man (though they both believe that strong women are defined by their maternal instincts).

8. Barb Wire (1996) - This single attempt to turn Pamela Anderson into a movie star -- even an ironic one -- rightly failed. I guess remaking Casablanca only much shittier isn't a formula for automatic success.

9. Underworld (2003) - Kate Beckinsale is boring. Kate Beckinsale in skin-tight leather pants is still boring. For a movie about vampires and werewolves, Underworld is very boring. F this movie and its sequels/prequels.

10. Elektra (2005) - Because speaking of boring.

F This Movie! - Inception

JB returns so he and Patrick can engage in a spoiler-heavy discussion of Christopher Nolan's 2010 masterpiece Inception. Hear them complain about the film's cold literalism, quibble over every minor flaw and dump all over the movie...IN YOUR DREAMS!! Because actually they love it.

Friday, July 16, 2010

F These F'ing Awesome Movies

Inception is finally out in theaters today, and because we are human beings with sight we can all agree that it's going to be f'ing awesome. Let's F some more f'ing awesome movies.

1. Back to the Future (1985) - If you don't agree this is the best movie ever made, you're a total Russian.

2. Streets of Fire (1984) - Maybe you hate sledgehammer fights and rock n' roll musicals. Maybe you hate Rick Moranis and Willem Dafoe as a greaser. Maybe you hate things that are awesome. I don't want to know the person that doesn't like Streets of Fire.

3. Boogie Nights (1997) - I've been around this block twice now. Looking for something. A clue. I've been looking for clues and something led me back here. Yeah. So here I am. It could have been me, the one who was at Ringo's place when the shit went down. Hey. I know how it is. I've been there. We've all done bad things. We've all had those guilty feelings in our heart. I'm going to take your brain out of your head and wash it and scrub it and make it clean. I don't know. But I'm going to have to settle this. First we're going to check the hole and see what we can find. We're going to get nice and wet, and you're going to spread your legs. Oh, that's good. So you know me. You know my reputation. Thirteen inches of tough load, I don't treat you gently. That's right. I'm Brock Landers. So I'm going to be nice. So I'm going to be nice. So I'm going to be nice. I'm going to ask you one more time. Where the fuck is Ringo?

4. Point Break (1991) - Because Johnny Utah. Between this, Speed and The Matrix, Keanu Reeves has starred in three of the best action movies of all time.

5. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982) - Not just the best Star Trek movie ever made, but one of the best sci-fi films of all time. Great score, great story, great Shatner.

6. Death Race 2000 (1975) - F'ing awesome in every single way. Somehow manages to make Mary Woronov hot.

7. Something Wild (1986) - Jonathan Demme is the man.

8. Lost Highway (1997) - Dick Laurent is dead.

9. The Sure Thing (1985) - There's a large number of f'ing awesome John Cusack romantic comedies to choose from: Better Off Dead. Say Anything. High Fidelity. Must Love Dogs. Except not Must Love Dogs. This one's not actually the best of them, but it gets the edge today for one reason: the Zuniga Factor.

10. Phantom of the Paradise (1974) - We're talking about movies that are f'ing awesome, right? Right. That's why this movie is on here.

Monday, July 12, 2010

F This Movie! - Cabin Fever

Patrick and Doug go off on way too many tangents during this F'ing of Eli Roth's 2003 horror movie Cabin Fever, from scary clowns and sentient toys to Predators and Robocops. And, of course, there are pancakes.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

F These Underrated Horror Sequels

To celebrate the release of Predators (like the first movie, but with an S on the end), we're F'ing the F out of these horror movie sequels that are better than their reputations suggest.

1. Psycho II (1983) - On paper, the very suggestion of a sequel to Psycho is enough to make me never stop throwing up in my mouth. But instead of being something terrible Buck Henry would pitch in The Player, it's actually kind of awesome -- a slow-burn character study that, minus some additions to the mythology that I could have done without, is a great example of a movie that's better than it has any right to be.

2. Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984) - Because Corey Feldman Crispin Glover.

3. Day of the Dead (1985) - It would be almost impossible to live up to the greatness of Night and Dawn, and Day of the Dead doesn't do it. Still, it's not as bad as many would have you believe, and has actually dated much better than expected. And, compared to Romero's zombie efforts ever since, it's Back to the Future. (Everyone says Citizen Kane. Fuck that.)

4. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986) - Make fun all you want, but I prefer this sequel to Tobe Hooper's grisly original. It's a strange, sweaty, uncomfortable mix of horror and humor and it's completely brilliant. One of the best horror sequels of all time.

5. Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988) - An attempt to get the series back on track after the odd failure of Halloween III: Season of the Witch (aka There Are Snakes and Bugs in my Halloween Mask). Not a classic, but it at least tries to work in many of the same ways as Carpenter's original. Everything after this one would be the worst, but Dwight H. Little is the man.

6. Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988) - One of the most fucked up movies you'll ever see. Also, one of the best realizations of hell on screen that doesn't involve Alex Winter in grandma makeup.

7. Wes Craven's New Nightmare (1994) - Yes, everyone agrees that Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors is the best of the Elm Street sequels, but that's because most people got bored by New Nightmare and bailed. This was Scream before Scream. It's a horror movie that feels like grad school, and I mean that in a nice way.

8. Final Destination 2 (2003) - The Final Destination movies are pretty much the worst for a lot of reasons, but this one rules because it's the only one that figured out how to correctly be stupid and gory and hilarious.

9. Saw VI (2009) - The Saw franchise has become the modern-day equivalent of the Planet of the Apes series, and this most recent entry was smart to take on the health care and insurance industries. Hardly sharp satire, but at least finds a reason to exist beyond just torture and awfulness.