Thursday, March 21, 2013

Doug Asks Patrick Patrick Asks Doug Questions About Movies

Patrick knows a lot about movies. Doug has seen New Year's Eve dozens of times. In an effort to expand Doug's Patrick's cinematic horizons, he'll be asking Doug questions about movies in a column we're calling "Patrick Asks Doug Questions About Movies."

You've often cited Varsity Blues as being a "movie with everything." What are some other movies that have everything?

To help out the "readers" (no one is reading this), I'll define "everything" as good acting (that's right -- not great, just "good"!), some kick-ass action (can be substituted with excellent music), a compelling story, lots of laffs and female nudity. I realize the "nudity" requirement excludes a lot of older movies, so in THOSE instances, I weigh the other four factors more heavily (SCIENCE). Ergo, some movies that have everything include Airplane!, Boogie Nights, Starship Troopers, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, National Lampoon's Vacation, Femme Fatale and ... The General. Marion Mack gives me an antebellum boner.

Remakes are incredibly popular these days. If you were going to remake a movie -- let's say, for the sake of argument, Varsity Blues -- who would you cast?

Easy, Zac Efron. In every role. You know you love him.

Varsity Blues is one of your favorite movies (science fact). What is your LEAST favorite movie?

Probably The Efficiency Expert. It was the first terrible movie I saw. I was fairly young, but I just knew it was bad, kind of like when you talk about seeing The Jewel of the Nile. I also remember having a really negative reaction to Teaching Mrs. Tingle when I saw it in the theater (with you!). Although it's probably not TERRIBLE (I don't remember much about it), I DO remember being utterly bored. Like, look-around-the-theater-for-something-to-distract-me bored. And that was probably the first time I experienced that sensation -- boredom -- in a theater on opening night (with you!). Let's round out the list, though, shall we? Squeaking in: The Happening, Battleship, 8MM and ... Blues Brothers 2000? Honestly, I'm having a hard time naming more than that. Sure, there are tons of bad movies, but either a.) I don't see them, b.) they have some quality I can kind of defend (e.g., Battlefield Earth ["Leverage!"], Showgirls [Spano!], Spice World ["Victoria!"], etc.), or c.) why kick a dead horse (e.g., Glitter)? If I think of any others that personally offend me, I'll list them in the comments.

I can remember going to see Varsity Blues with you more than once in the theater. What's the movie you've seen the most times in a theater? How many times was it? Can I borrow $20?

Honestly, the most times I've seen a movie in a movie theater is ... twice? Lame, I know. And there have only been a handful of times I've done this, including the 2009 Star Trek reboot (multiverse?) and Dead Man on Campus (because Zack Morris). There are probably a few others (if I think of them, I'll add them below). I just can't compete with you and Adam and JB! Part of me sincerely doesn't understand going to see the same film three (plus) times, both from a logistical and a financial point of view. I'm also a pleasure-delayer (ew), though, so I probably won't go see something in rapid succession, knowing that it'll make watching it on home video(?) that much more enjoyable in a few weeks/months. It's like reliving the first-time watching experience all over again! I'm weirdly afraid of ruining a good thing by going back to it too often. So, while I've definitely seen some movies dozens of times, I like to spread that shit around (double-ew).

As movie fans, we often feel like we should always be seeing new stuff. As a result, we don't always revisit movies we like as often as we should. If you had two hours to kill and could put on ANY movie, what's the first thing on your shelf you would reach for? Please say Varsity Blues.

You probably want me to say Varsity Blues, what with the closing part of your question explicitly stating, "Please say Varsity Blues." Well, jokes on you, pal! Because I don't OWN any shelves! But seriously, it's gotta be Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I'M KIDDING. It's The Tao of Steve. STILL KIDDING. The Curse of the Werewolf. KIDDING? Dogville. KIDDING. Dude, Where's My Car? SADLY NOT KIDDING.


  1. Coming up next week: Neil deGrasse Tyson Asks ME Questions About Astrophysics!

    Just kidding Dougie (DOUGIE!), I always enjoy hearing your take on all things movies (and/or boobies) - a bit more "everyman" than the perhaps more erudite (but still fun and accessible!) approach of say, Patrick or JB, but always interesting! And please take all of that as a compliment, all of you.

    I love that your least favourite movie is The Efficiency Expert - what the hell is that?! Though thinking about it, the "least favourite" question might be even more difficult to answer than the "most favourite" question, so bravo at coming up with an answer you're so confident in!

    I never thought I'd be ashamed to say this, but I haven't seen Varsity Blues (OR Dude, Where's My Car?) and I feel like a total asshole about it.

    Fun article guys, switch 'er up any time!

  2. Wait a minute... so Batman is Patrick and Dorothy is Doug? This changes everything.

  3. The running gag of 'Varsity Blues' was genius. I've never seen it but i know i probably dont have to. Doug, is the happening really one of your least favorite movies? I've only seen it once and yea it's definately bad (depsite what Roger Ebert thinks) but i found it totally watchable in that Z-movie (no not B. B-Movies are much smarter than the happening) kind of way. Great Column!

    "Cheese and Crackers"

    1. Good point, Mike. I may have to revise my statement, because you're right -- it's totally watchable (in the worst way possible). Weirdly, I do/did have a hard time coming up with my "least favorite" movies. You think it would be so easy.

    2. I find it almost impossible to write about worst/least favorite movies. Maybe it's because we tend to forget them (on purpose?). For a long time, my least favorite movie was The Doom Generation, but now I feel like it's not worth having an opinion about that movie.

    3. Don't take my daughter's hand UNLESS YOU MEAN IT!

    4. I surely had fun seeing THE HAPPENING in the theater. I'm not sure the audience around me appreciated my fun, though. I guess it wasn't supposed to be a comedy?

    5. So it's settled, 'The Happening' is great.

    6. Hey - I'm pretty sure pre-freakface Rose McGowan's Boobs were in that movie. Enough to keep it out of last place, no? Doug's with me...

    7. Re The Doom Generation that is. The only boob in The Happening was Marky Mark Wahlberg - zing!

  4. Least favorite movie? Three words: Batman and Robin. It takes a beloved comic book character and shits all over it with stupid and campy humor, terrible dialogue, horrible characters played horribly, and needless bat nipples. It was probably the worst movie I've ever actually seen in a theater.

  5. I came to this column for the Varsity Blues, but I stayed for the nudity.

  6. Nice column guys, I'll never forget whip cream bikini girl. As for movies with everything hmm the only one I can think of off the top of my head would be Total Recall the original version. Good action, extra gifted female nudity, and a better than average performance from Arnold but in my opinion not as top of the line as Predator or Terminator.

    As for remaking Varsity Blues I would like to see Morgan Freeman as the coach, black coach of a Texas high school football team that would be cool.

    While I can't quite name my least favorite movie, my least favorite moviegoing experience had to be seeing The Mummy Returns. its one of only 3 movies I have ever walked out of and it gave me an honest to god migraine (Its not a tumor!) That movie is like going to a buffet you didn't want to go to and then you try to be open minded about eating something new and you realize everything in the buffet is old timey prison cafeteria slop.

    My own personal record sadly for movie most seen at the theaters was Aladdin which I saw 4 times as a kid. Why you ask? Well it had lots of colors and hey look its Robin Williams and he's doing schtick I love it! I was a very "special" type of movie fan. Also on a sad note I saw Mortal Kombat twice in the same weekend it came out because that movie was a flawless victory! (Seriously please someone go back in time and slap some damn sense into my younger movie watching self)

    As for movies to revisit I think I need to take another look at Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey. I missed it during the F this movie fest and by all accounts it seems kind of like how Gremlins 2: The New Batch was different and more experimental than the original Gremlins was thus making it better.

    One last thing my favorite bad line from The Happening "You know hot dogs get a bad rap!"

    1. Total Recall is a good pick for a movie with everything.

      My favorite line from The Happening (besides the one janbottig already mentioned): "You eyin' my lemon drink?"