Monday, April 22, 2013
Riske Business: The Hall of Kick-Ass Vol. 2
As always, inductees into the Hall of Kick-Ass are being honored for providing me with a great memory or a laugh. They are all SKOWs (aka Some Kind of Wonderful).
Check out the first class of HoKA inductees here!
Note: To maximize the induction ceremony experience, listen to the official anthem of the Hall of Kick-Ass as you read.
The Pledge of Kick-Ass:
"This is my hall, y'all! All this hall! Look at my hall! It’s got MOVIE STARS! Every f***in' gender. It’s got Val Kilmer. Motherf***in' Barb-Crampton. It’s got Taylor Dayne. On repeat. TAYLOR DAYNE ON REPEAT. Constant, y'all! It’s got Escape! Calvin Klein Escape! Look at our hall. Look at our hall! It’s got ROOMS of this shit! It’s got dark tannin' oil... lay out by the pool, put on our dark tanning oil... Look at this, look at this mother***er here! Look at this mother***er! Huh? A f***ing army up in this hall!"
Batman) – I once saw a man wearing sunglasses inside and sitting half-asleep in a chair with his shirt mostly unbuttoned. I donated $40 to his shirt rebuild project. In return, he signed his name for me on a poster. There’s nothing sadder than watching one of your heroes fall…asleep…at an autograph convention. I was in Chicago. Billy Dee Williams was in Cloud City.
Universal Monsters) got me into horror? Or do I like her for two other big reasons? I once asked my Grandpa to watch her movie with me, which he did. There’s a scene at the end of the movie involving tassels and my Grandpa asked "Adam, why do you like this movie?" I said "Because she has big boobies!" My Grandpa told my Mom that he had never been more proud of me. Cut to 20 years later and I got Elvira’s autograph. My Grandpa has since passed, but I asked her to sign my poster 'To Adam and Grandpa Klein, Yours Cruelly, Elvira.' This is my longest lasting memory of my Grandpa, a great guy I wish I had more time with. Thanks Elvira. Sincerely, a couple of big boobs.
Fun Fact? An Elvira signing attracts a lot of odd people. Mostly men. While I was waiting in line, a guy behind me asked if I had gotten Cassandra Peterson’s autograph before. I said I hadn’t. He told me there are much shorter lines on the days she appears as Cassandra Peterson as opposed to Elvira. I said that it’s cooler to meet Elvira. He then goes "Oh, you like the fantasy!" I could practically feel his word-jizz. Here I am, innocently trying to savor an Adam & Grandpa Klein breast memory and this guy, man…..some people, man. Some people.
Cabin Fever, Not Another Teen Movie) – I’m not often a gushing fan, but Cerina Vincent in person made me all Dreamweaver. I stopped being Adam Riske, fan of Cabin Fever, and turned into Adam Riske, "Let’s see where this goes" guy. We flirted. It was not bullshit. Something was going on. It’s one of those moments where you’re saying all the right things and you’re almost outside of yourself going "Where are you getting this stuff? It’s good!" Then I looked at her hand and saw her giant engagement ring. My girl? Getting married? We talked about her ring for a while and I’m pretty sure I told her she deserves the best of everything. She didn’t get weirded out. Because that’s how soul mates talk. Note: I just checked IMDB, and Cerina Vincent has since separated from this guy. I hope I didn’t have something to do with it. Come and get me baby!
The Last Boy Scout) – I asked Danielle Harris what Bruce Willis was like when they made The Last Boy Scout. She looked up at me and said one word: "Mean." The sky is blue, water is wet, women have secrets.
A Nightmare on Elm Street, Wes Craven’s New Nightmare) – As Heather signed my poster, she asked me where I was from. I told her "Chicago," to which she replied "You sound like someone from Wisconsin." F-Heads, never call an Eloi a Morlock.
Aliens, The Terminator, Near Dark) – If not for a fateful conversation with Lance Henriksen, I would have a tattoo that I would now regret. Let me explain. Lance has many tattoos. I mentioned that I was thinking of getting one. He asked of what. I said I didn’t know and that I just wanted one. He and I had a two minute conversation about how I am being stupid. I thought I was going to meet Bishop and instead I met an extension of my father.
Your turn! Who have you met that is awesome and worthy of joining the Hall of Kick-Ass?