Here you go (bet you didn't know I had all these completely arbitrary, made-up rules for myself when it comes to collecting/distributing previews to the F This Movie! family, did you?). Also, awesome trailer! It actually makes me excited for yet another superhero movie, when I honestly thought I was completely burned out. Well done, Zackk Shneidurrrr!
Release date: July 19, 2013
A "decent" concept derailed by horrible CGI. Seriously. As caught up as I might be in the two-plus minutes this trailer has my undivided attention, I INSTANTLY lose interest when I see a cartoonish fall from a building, or a crudely fashioned alien, or any instance in which my gut tells me that the physics JUST AIN'T RIGHT. I'm hoping that some of the FX are improved by the time it's released. I mean, it's 2013, and Jurassic Park looks better than this. And re: the plot -- like our own Adam Riske said, "It's F-ing Men in Black, right? Am I the only one seeing this?" Great insight, Adam, but next time, leave the snarky trailer comments to me. Like this, for example: "As much as I love surly Jeff Bridges, I think I'd rather see more Marisa Miller, amIright? Who's with me? Hubba-hubba, is my point." See? Gold!
Emanuel and the Truth about Fishes
Release date: TBA
I used to think Kate Beckinsale was the hottest ("No dur-de-doo!" -everyone reading this now). But Patrick would always disagree, arguing that she's both cold and dead inside, which translates to a decrease in her attractiveness quotient. Sure, she's EMPIRICALLY appealing -- all the parts are in the right places -- but there's just something MISSING. Bull-oney, I would counter -- she's a fox! Just look at her! Through a Vaseline-smeared lens! But then I watched the Total Recall remake ("SO GOOD" -you/no one), wherein Beckinsale plays the female antagonist (the Sharon Stone role, trumped-up because Len Wiseman), opposite Martian Jessica Biel (she of Powder Blue fame). And boy-oh-boy, Beckinsale's got nuthin' on Biel! NO CONTEST/THIS CONTEST IS OVER. I mean, Jessica Biel has some MAJOR Alien face! And -- confession time -- I LOVE IT! She truly is from outer space, and all I want to do is stare at the space where her eyes meet her nose, pet her hair and ask her about her time on 7th Heaven (a show I never sought out, but probably saw more episodes than I've seen of Breaking Bad). My point is, I have never felt this way about Kate Beckinsale, nor have I ever wanted to see a movie based on her involvement (aside from MAYBE Uncovered). I don't think she's a draw, but I'm probably wrong. I mean, a whole army of geeks loves watching her act poorly in the Underworld films, so I'm obviously in the minority. REGARDLESS, here is Emanuel and the Truth about Fishes, and all I have to say (aside from what I've already said about Ms. Biel) is ... WUT? Sure, I'll watch it on Epix 3 one night in 2014, and YES it might inspire me to Google the March 2000 issue of Gear magazine. But so what? I'm a MAN, dammit, and a confusing indie movie starring an extraterrestrial might be just what I need. OH, and a second viewing of Stealth. Or Summer Catch. Yes. Hmmm.
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
Release date: Nov. 22, 2013
I really liked the first movie. Probably the only one on staff who did. And I still like it -- I like its tone and its performances and, while it's not quite as engaging as the book (UGH Doug), it was pleasant and satisfying (quick side note: I feel like Gary Ross' film, once near-universally praised, is now experiencing a weird sort of backlash [it's not as good as it should've been!], but maybe it's me). I feared that, with a new director, it would lose its edge. I feared that Francis Lawrence might I Am Legend the whole project. I feared the producers would learn all the wrong lessons from the successes of the first film. BUT, based on this trailer (which, while over two minutes long, admittedly feels like a teaser, and only shows a few minor scenes), I don't have anything to worry about. It's just as dark and depressing as I thought it should be. Sure, it's a little cartoonish (Woody Harrelson's hair, for one thing), but that's OK. Because Philip Seymour Hoffman. Because GRAVITY.
Romeo and Juliet
Release date: TBA
Again? Yes, again. The difference is that this adaptation features an "and" between the two star-crossed lovers' names (as opposed to a plus symbol), and stars True Grit's Hailee Steinfeld who, at 16, is roughly the same age as Olivia Hussey was in the 1968 version. Weirdly (illegally?), Olivia Hussey appeared topless in that film. It would be PERVERTED of me to wish the same thing in 2013. SO I WON'T. I'll just hide my bauble in this OTHER hole. If anything screams "The Greatest Love Story Ever Told," it's the song "Skin" by Zola Jesus. Also, heavyweights Paul Giamatti, Damian Lewis, Stellan Skarsgård and Natascha McElhone round out the cast. What, no John Leguizamo? Thou art a villain!
Release date: TBA
Assuming the Mixon brothers couldn't afford the rights to a Disorderlies remake. #dodougsjobforhim