by Adam Thas and Mike Pomaro
Dear Growing Up Nerdy,
With Guardians of the Galaxy coming out, I’m a bit nervous that I won’t know all of these new characters. What should I do?
-Scarlett in Dover
Adam: Fear not, citizen. The mighty Growing Up Nerdy is here to save you! The “space” aspect of the Marvel comic world can be very overwhelming. Those of who you regular readers of this column know that I have quite the hard-on for DC. However, I can give credit where credit is due by admitting that Marvel does a better job with Outer Space.
DC is very disconnected, with a lot of different species and planets and almost no rhyme or reason to what they have. Marvel, on the other hand, seems to have a good grasp on what the “universe” of Marvel looks like. Before I get started on this I want to be clear that it’s nearly impossible to stay completely current with all of this and, more importantly, we all know that movies tell different stories than comics. With that said, you may get something different in the movie than what is presented here.
Additionally, I haven’t seen Guardians of the Galaxy yet and there may be some characters I don’t even have in here or ones that shouldn’t be here. With no further delay I present:
The F This Movie! Guide to All Those Crazy Marvel Characters
The Marvel Unviverse is made of four major empires and some significant alien races:
The Badoon: Another reptilian race. The Badoon are sexist. The women and men hated each other so much they decided to live on different planets in the same star system, only seeing each other to mate. The men are extremely aggressive while the women are pacifists. Hey! I know it’s a sterotype, but I didn’t write it.
The Kree: The Kree look just like humans except they are blue and hail from the planet Hala. They worship a being called the Supreme Intelligence and are very proud, nationalistic and warlike. They are slightly stronger than humans and like to genetically engineer badasses. Found in all Marvel comics, but most famously The Avengers. (Famous Kree: Captain Marvel)
The Spartoi: The Spartoi bloodlines can be traced to Shi’ar descent and hail from the planet Spartex. They are a relatively peaceful race that rule over a few hundred worlds and races. (Famous Spartoi: Starlord)
The Nova Corps: Pretty much Marvel’s version of the Green Lantern Corps. They are a group of ordinary individuals selected by the Nova Corps to be galactic policemen/crime-fighters. Led by the individual known as Nova Prime (played in the movie by Glenn Close).
J’son of Spartax: An alien from the planet Spartax and a member of the royal family. He crash lands near a farm on Earth, immediately pulls a Kirk and bones an Earth woman named Meredith. He knocks her up, fixes his ship and leaves. A real stand-up guy.
Meredith Quill: An alien crash-lands in her back yard and she decides to have sex with it. The alien (J’son) and her have a brief romance and ends with J’son leaving her pregnant with a half alien child. She is later killed by a member of the Badoon.
Ronan the Accuser: This guy is an absolute badass and one of my favorite characters in the Marvel universe. Ronan is a member of the Kree Empire and pretty much a military leader/governor -- the third most powerful being in the Kree Empire. You do not fuck with Ronan the Accuser. (Played by Lee Pace)
Infinity Gems: These gems are the physical embodiment of the universe. They are Time, Space, Reality, Mind, Power, Soul. When someone controls all of the gems, they essentially become god and can do whatever he or she pleases.
I’m really curious to see how the writers dealt with all of the different characters in Guardians of the Galaxy. I know after you see the movie, some of you might want to read some of the Guardians of the Galaxy comics. The older ones are hard to come by, even in reprints. I would suggest the re-release of the book by Brian Michael Bendis and Steve McNiven.
Mike: Since I have absolutely nothing to add of any significance to the Guardians of the Galaxy discussion like my partner Adam has done, I’m instead going to draw inspiration from our fearless leader Patrick, who recently declared on a podcast that he’d love to have crazy alien sex with Gamora of the Guardians of the Galaxy, played by the sexy Zoe Saldana. So without further delay, and because no one asked for it, here are my Top Three sci-fi women that I’d like to spend the weekend aboard a Starship with.
The Sandlot?” And Patrick would exclaim, “I totes did!” And I would say, “I thought you didn’t like that movie.” To which Patrick would reply, “Well, I didn’t, but I have to admit that over time its charm has really rubbed off on me.” And then I’d say, “Wow, that’s great and really open-minded of you.” And Patrick would respond, proudly, “It is”. I’d ask, “Have you also come around on The Goonies?” To which Patrick would say flatly, “No.”