by Doug Schultz
1. Antonio Banderas in Desperado (1995)
2. Scott William Winters in Good Will Hunting (1997)
Ah, the late '90s grad school ponytail, worn to perfection by Scott William Winters' (a name I need to read twice EVERY TIME I SEE IT in order not confuse it with Seann William Scott) portrayal of king douche, Clark. When Clark gets schooled by Will Hunting (Matt Damon) at that Harvard bar, you can almost hear the ponytail retreat into his skull, like a shriveling penis.
3. John Travolta in Pulp Fiction (1994)
4. Samuel L. Jackson in Jackie Brown (1997)
Tarantino must have a thing for slimeballs sporting ponytails. Not to be outdone by Samuel L. Jackson's Jheri curl in Pulp Fiction (three years earlier), this time the director gives the demonstrative appendage to Jackson's Ordell Robbie. Rumor has it, Jackson had additional input on the look of his character, including adding a braided goatee, various Kangol hats and his ubiquitous Raptors bag. To quote Beaumont Livingston (Chris Tucker): "You ponytail-wearing motherfucker! What the hell's wrong with you?"
5. Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt in Interview with the Vampire (1994)
6. Tom Cruise in Magnolia (1999)
Frank T.J. Mackey (Tom Cruise) had it right. No, I'm not talking about his horrible and insulting "Seduce and Destroy" worldview toward women; I'm talking about his HALF-TAIL. While not a full ponytail (YET!), it's well on its way. You've got to start somewhere. And this top knot is far better (greasier?) than anything he donned in The Last Samurai.
7. Johnny Depp in Chocolat (2000)
8. Steven Seagal in Out for Justice (1991)
Really, I could've picked any Steven Seagal movie, because a.) he has a ponytail in most of them, b.) they all rule (you #HeavyAction nerds know what I'm talking about) and c.) they all sound exactly the same -- generic yet intimidating, like something from a McBain sequence on The Simpsons (e.g., Above the Law, Hard to Kill, Marked for Death, Exit Wounds, Half Past Dead, Out for a Kill, etc.). But I chose Out for Justice, because Det. Gino Felino (Seagal) not only has a ponytail, he also has the best/worst New York accent ever. The whole thing is ridiculous in the best possible way. And let's not forget to mention his third act beret and plunging V-neck vest.
9. Tim Robbins in High Fidelity (2000)
10. Gaston in Beauty and the Beast (1991)
11. Richard Tyson in Kindergarten Cop (1990)
Probably the most villainous ponytail here. I mean, what kind of hirsute asshole puts a gun to a kid's head? "What? Surely you can't be describing what my memory tells me is a fun, harmless comedy from 25 years ago, Doug!" Yeah, yeah -- boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina. We all remember the same quote. But in case it's been awhile since you've seen it, a movie with the inoffensive title KINDERGARTEN COP has a scene in which a child is held hostage. At gunpoint. By his dad. The stuff we seem to forget. Go ahead -- watch the above clip, and marvel at the violence.
12. Danny DeVito in Twins (1988)
13. Sean Connery in Zardoz (1974)