Klowns. Is it because they hide behind a disguise and their features are barely indistinguishable? Perhaps... But everyone loves Iron Man don't they? Is it because they are able to create those weird little animal balloon figures with a puff of air and a twist of the wrist? I personally have a hate-on for balloons, so that in and of itself is horrific.
I had initially planned on saving this topic for Scary Movie Month, but at every turn I was confronted with yet another Clown movie so I allowed my clown fate to naturally occur and went with it. I spoke with quite a few people about my topic this week, and the general consensus was this: Adults are no fans of clowns. They're creepy, scary and quite obviously up to no good. Making all the happy kiddies laugh and cheer is just a precursor for luring them back into their clown-mobile to take them back to their Happy Farm of cotton candy, balloons and death for all. (I totally had to reign that in; I have watched WAY too many horror movies the past couple of weeks and my imagination just about sent me on a beat by beat breakdown of the envisioned horrors of Happy Farm.)
Sci-Fi day in Junesploitation. And holy hell did it not disappoint. An alien ship lands on earth and the creatures that emerge and begin their rampage of death and destruction on the human race look just like (you guessed it) Clowns! Hooray! There are just so many dumb gags you can play with a clown horror flick and this one has them all! They have a tracking hound (in the shape of a balloon dog), the klowns charm audiences with their magical abilities to create shadow critters with their hands before death and destruction obliterates the stupid humans, and what am I missing... Oh yes, Cotton Candy Cocoons! (Realistically, how else would you preserve a body for later consumption?)
So yes, clowns, (KLOWNS) are killer aliens with a taste for human blood. Best sucked through a crazy straw!
So perhaps clowns are, in fact, a malevolent shapeshifting entity.
Clowns are the product of a black magic clown cult!
Clowns are children munching demons!
You know, I think when I finally get around to making my own short horror movie (I have been talking about it for years, just need to get off my butt and start playing around with it already!), I will feature it around clowns. So happy and jolly?? BAH! They're Delightfully Horrific (to the tune of Lucky Charm's "They're Magically Delicious").
In summation, clowns are malevolent shapeshifting vengeful alien demons that leave their skin just laying around to sucker the next poor soul into a life of gorging on children.
Think you fit the part of what I am looking for in a clown? Auditions for my movie will take place sometime next year. Bring cotton candy and balloons!
|Actual photo of Melissa Uhrin (Not pictured: murder)|