Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Riske Business: Do You Dig on Busterverses?

by Adam Riske
What if Blockbuster Video didn’t go away? What would/wouldn’t rent well? I know.

What Would

Hidden Figures: It would get a full shelf on release date. Rent well for about a month. $9.99 starting PVT (previously viewed tape) price tier. Eventually drop to $6.99 PVT but no further. Popular Blockbuster Favorite when it moves from the New Release wall to Drama. It won’t be unheard of for teachers to rent this for their classes or Blockbuster Rewards members to pick as their “Favorite” they get a free rental with a full-priced New Release.
Going in Style: Oh, will this fucker rent. It will be rented so hard and for so long. Older people. Adults. Younger people who heard about it from the older people and the adults. People will come in and say they loved it and it’s the best comedy they’ve seen in years and that they don’t make them like they used to. It will be Guaranteed in Stock (4/5 shelf) and coupons will need to be passed out for the first three weekends because Going in Style will be out of stock. Catalog Freeman/Caine/Arkin titles will see uplift. $14.99 PVT to start then $9.99 PVT around the holidays. The talk of the town. People will hover over you when you clear out the drop box for the first two weeks just to see if a copy of Going in Style was returned.

The Big Sick: Half of a full shelf on release date. Popular choice among couples who come in ten minutes before closing and can’t decide what they want to watch so they stay for forty-five minutes while you’re trying to lock up. Big play on the Blockbuster in-store preview tape; maybe even an interview with the cast. Strong PVT sales at $9.99. Blockbuster Favorite in Comedy for twenty-plus years.
Kidnap: Three shelves on a single wall upon release date. Ad will be played a fuckton on the Blockbuster in-store preview tape. Blockbuster customers will think Halle is back after seeing it. $9.99 PVT, then $6.99 PVT and finally a $4.99 PVT. Will perform much like those Blockbuster Exclusives in the early 2000s (e.g. The Runner starring Ron “could have had it all or had nothing at all, but nothing in between” Eldard and Courtney Cox). Blockbuster Favorite Action for five years and then out of stock. Ten years from now someone will come in and explicitly want to rent Kidnap but won’t know the name of it or who starred in it.

The Hitman’s Bodyguard: Popular new release. Will get 2/3 of shelves on single wall upon release date. Buster customers will love it. They’ll ask all the time “Have you seen this?” and you’ll say “Yeah” and they’ll say “Isn’t it great?” and you’ll say “I dunno. It wasn’t for me” and they’ll give you the stink eye. $9.99 PVT full stop. Blockbuster Favorite in Action in perpetuity; or at least through 2029.

What Wouldn’t

Lowriders: We’ll get eight copies; I will recommend it to everyone and no one will ever take me up on it except for one guy that will come in and ask me what else I would recommend. He will then become my favorite customer. Five recommendations in, we will have our first disagreement and I’ll think he’s a total dick from then on.
The Mummy (2017): The infinite hubris of Dark Universe. We will have a full shelf (200+ copies easy) of this piece of shit on release date and never have less than 45 copies in-store. We will have so many copies of The Mummy that there will be an entire table of $6.99 PVT’s we’re trying to get rid of. They will become the bane of my existence for several months.

A Ghost Story: Four cover boxes; about ten copies. One of your co-workers’ recommendation of choice for at least three months. Store manager will rent it a week before release date and say it’s the worst movie they’ve ever seen. Customers will come in and complain that they turned it off, want a refund and it’s the worst movie they’ve ever seen. They will also complain about the aspect ratio because they didn’t buy a big TV for a movie to not take up the whole screen.
Brigsby Bear: Three copies on release date. Two copies will always be in stock. Third copy will be stolen quickly and you’ll have to call the customer about it being overdue and their account being on credit hold. Remaining two copies will be put into a Sundance section on an end cap to be forgotten for many months until being later returned to corporate because no one knows what genre section it should be put in. Owner of the stolen copy will die and the tape will be returned by his parents to the wrong Blockbuster. Other Blockbuster will call and say “I think we have one of your tapes.” It will be mailed to the original store and the late fee will never be paid.

Birth of the Dragon: Single row on a shelf on release date. 18 copies in stock max. Rents ok week one (won’t be able to get it the first Saturday night). $6.99 PVT and eventually a $4.99 PVT. Will be a Blockbuster Favorite in Action in 2019. Out of stock completely by 2022 and no one (except Mark Ahn and I) will remember it.

Got a title you need to know about? Ask me in the comments and I’ll tell you how well it would do in the Busterverse!

23 comments:

  1. Because I'm watching it right now: How does the The Founder fare?

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    1. 1/4 shelf on the new release wall. Hard to get for a month. Rents consistently well after that. $9.99 PVT then a $6.99 PVT. Blockbuster Favorite drama for 5 years+. Another movie people come in and say they loved and that they don't make them like they used to.

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    2. I really enjoyed it. Although it kind of felt flat afterwards, because it goes exactly where you think it's going.

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    3. Agreed, though for whatever reason I like seeing stories about how things happened. They don't make them like they used to.

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    4. The Founder was good. Science fact.

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  2. I miss being able to use retail jargon on the reg.

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  3. You should expand your Blockbuster columns into a memoir about the BB years. I'd buy two copies.

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    1. Thanks! I need to finish my Wishmaster fan fic first.

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  4. What about Popstar never stop never stopping? I wonder if it would get an Austin Powers like rental boost after it wilted in theaters. Also what about The Witch?

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    1. Popstar would have a single row as a new release. It would rent and rent and rent. Popular Blockbuster Favorite in Comedy. Minimal PVT's because we had only a handful of copies. Word of how funny Popstar is would spread across the community. It will be passed down from brothers to younger brothers, seniors to juniors, juniors to sophomores. It's legacy is guaranteed.

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    2. The Witch will rent around Halloween but not very well the rest of the year. Too niche. The weekly Buster customers will reject it because it challenges them. They don't like being challenged.

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    3. Thank you, I didn't even know how much I needed to know that.

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  5. This is fantastic! There's an O Henry story lurking in your Brigsby Bear paragraph!

    I was reminiscing just yesterday about being a college student who rented based on the Sundance banner and the IFC logo.

    My question: how would Underworld: Blood Wars rent?

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    1. Underworld Blood Wars will rent well for the first couple of weeks. Everyone who rents it will also rent a video game. I see a glut of $6.99 PVTs in its future. Will not be a Blockbuster Favorite for more than a couple of years because an entire row of nothing but Underworld releases will look silly in either the Action or Horror section (where would it go?). The original and maybe part II will be the only ones to be preserved long term.

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  6. Okay, here we go:

    ROUGH NIGHT and GIRLS TRIP.

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    1. Party movies don't rent as well as you would think in my experience. Probably because the party can't wait for 3 months to get to Blu-ray

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  7. Believe it or not, I actually work at the last movie rental chain store. Adam is highly accurate here.

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  8. I was one of the few who enjoyed Alien Covenant...so let's hear how it would fair....

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    1. Full shelf day one. Out of stock first weekend. Grows like a weed for months afterward. That shit ain't moving past week one. Ever seen where there's so many copies behind a cover box that it starts to edge off the shelf? That's Alien Covenant and I say that as someone who didn't think it was all that bad.

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  9. Replies
    1. Draft Day would rent well for a few months, especially in football season. It's in Blockbuster Favorites Drama now I'm sure. Healthy PVT sales. A robust rental full stop. Nothing to crow about in the Buster trade mags but the type of small success we need to stack with other small successes to keep Buster afloat.

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