Tuesday, March 26, 2019

Celluloid Ramblings: BEER FIGHTER: A Fun New Game

by JB
And we shall have a task to make us an example in these dark times…

Recently, while culling my disc collection (“Hit the Deck and Hudsucker Proxy? I send you to the CORNFIELD!”) I once again came face-to-face with evidence that my eyesight is getting worse. I need glasses for “far away” things like driving and movies and gazing lovingly at my Blu-ray discs from across the room. Because some of my shelves cast deep shadows on the discs themselves, I use an XML-T6 Pro-4 Tactical flashlight to light everything up. (I have written about this flashlight before in this very space. You can find that column here.)

Want the flashlight itself? You can buy it here.

So I whip my glasses ON to see the discs on the shelf from far away; once I grab a specific disc, I whip my glasses OFF (I also whip my hair BACK AND FORTH) to see the specific disc up close and personal. This “glasses on/glasses off” routine quickly becomes tiresome, because I have never succumbed to the harlot lure of bifocals.

I grow old. I grow old. I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled. I will also greet the news of my worsening eyesight by inventing a game, so I might laugh and spend a few blessed hours in denial. Yes, my loss is your gain! I should say that my loss is your GAME. To celebrate my encroaching blindness and/or senility, here’s how I play:

1. I look at a RANDOM shelf that houses my little movie discs.
2. WITHOUT my glasses, I try to read a title. I fail.
3. I write down what I THINK is written on the case. I do my best.
(Here, I am not joking or making anything up. This is what I ACTUALLY THOUGHT was written on the case with GLASSES OFF!)

…and here’s how my treasured readers can play along…

4. YOU try to guess what the movie actually IS!
5. Fun! At the bottom of the column, I provide a key with the actual answers.
6. Ready? Try to guess the ACTUAL MOVIE TITLE based on my GUESS:
1. Beer Fighter
2. Mister Kimono
3. My Advocate
4. Riechstag!
5. Class Fun!
6. One Blood
7. Death Face Dog
8. Spell Caster
9. The Dull Mother
10. Edsel
11. A Golden Brown Chicken
12. Wittgenstein
13. Don’t Do That
14. The Real Killer Goat
15. Rotten Things
16. Molly
17. City Pustule
18. To Coach Fooey
19. The Empanadas
20. Frozen Night
21. The Paint Is Blue
22. Wheat Stacks/Devil’s Tower
23. Crisco
24. Clouds Turn Grey
25. Twelve Sassy Boys!
Do you have a guess for each one? Yes? Good. Here are the answers, specifically the answer to the questions “How bad is JB’s eyesight?/How strange is JB’s thought process?”

1. Deer Hunter
2. Major League
3. An Education
4. Mars Attacks!
5. Cease Fire!
6. Color Me Blood Red
7. Death Race 2000
8. Spider Baby
9. The Deadly Mantis
10. Duel
11. A Charlie Brown Christmas
12. The Interview
13. In Cold Blood
14. The Awful Dr. Orloff
15. Being There
16. Coffy
17. Cat People
18. His Girl Friday
19. Easter Parade
20. Frost/Nixon
21. The Color of Money
22. William Castle/Double Feature
23. Chaplin
24. Cold Turkey
25. Kill Baby Kill!
How did you do? Did you get them all? I thought not. Share your funniest guesses below. Or, play this game with your own collection, then put your list in the comments and let us guess. We all like to laugh!

I am looking forward to this game getting much weirder and much more fun… the older I get. And isn’t that a better way to go through life?


  1. I think the FTM team's project for the summer should be to bring TWELVE SASSY BOYS to the screen.

    1. Are you kidding? Before he thought up FThisMovie, Twelve Sassy Boys was Patrick’s original name for this website and podcast!

    2. I'm glad he decided to finally open it up to all number of sassy individuals. That's progress right there.

    3. If it were made in the late '70s.

      "This is a story about husbands. About fathers. About sons. This is a story about the men who built America. Twelve Sassy Boys. The new picture from the studio who brought you Five Easy Pieces starring Ellen Burstyn in her most compelling role yet as the woman they loved."

    4. This cries out to be directed by Peter Bogdonavich... in the late 70's...

  2. This is brilliant, JB. You should try to come up with plots for each of those titles.

    Eg. One Blood: Set in the early 90s (why not?) a rogue detective, haunted by the death of his twin brother, hunts a brilliant serial killer, nicknamed Helix, who has a rare medical condition, Chimerism, that makes it possible for him to leave different DNA at a crime scene. The DNA belongs to the twin he consumed in the womb. Intrigue ensues.

    1. What a great plot! You have revealed yourself as THE PLAYWRITE! (BTW: Wishing you great success with the upcoming production of your play, The Huckster. Break a leg.)

    2. You just made my day, sir. Thanks a bunch.

  3. Well now that song's stuck in my head. Thanks JB.

    I whip my hair back and forth I whip my hair back and forth I whip my hair back and forth I whip my hair back and forth...