by Rob DiCristino
Bro! How’s it hanging? Are you relaxing and chillaxing? This whole Coronavirus thing is crazy, right? Lol! Can’t go out! Can’t run errands! Oh, man! Can’t tackle the Honey-Do list, either though, amirite!? The old lady can’t complain! Uncle Sam’s orders! Haha! #Trump2020! Wait, let me talk seriously for a second. You know what’s a major drag? When your wife won’t bone the way you wanna bone. Right? Like, “Come on, baby. Can’t we do something different this week? Your unconditional love and tacit consent of my adolescent behavior just isn’t always enough, you know?” It’s not our fault! It’s biological. Sometimes a dude just has to, like, be a dude. She can’t get mad at us for being honest. Isn’t she always saying we need to communicate more? This is literally us communicating! And if she doesn’t get that, she’s, like, a total hypocrite. I’m over here making sacrifices every day just to adhere to basic cultural norms! Like, the lowest common denominator isn’t easy just because it’s, like, low, or whatever. You know?
Anyway, as Noel and Pete argue about whether “to have and to hold” should apply to their genitals, Audra drops a stunning revelation: Her college roommate Holly (Game of Thrones’ Nathalie Emmanuel), with whom she engaged in sexual congress on more than one occasion, is coming to visit! This is so crazy! Because Noel is awful, he immediately proposes a threeway with the stunning and carefree Holly. Because Joshua Freidlander saw and sort of remembers Chasing Amy, Audra is horrified by her husband’s willingness to share their bed and insists that her feelings for Holly are complex, personal, and not in any way related to his sexual gratification. But because Holly Slept Over has neither the interest in or the maturity for any other outcome, the trio hit the weed brownies, go skinny dipping, and eventually head to Pound Town. Noel’s chalky lunchmeat aesthetic contrasts comically with Holly and Audra’s supple and tender beauty, which means that the movie is almost porn, but, like, your girl can’t get mad since there’s a story or whatever.