Tuesday, October 8, 2024

Johnny Deadline: Five Comfort Movies for Scary Movie Month

 by JB

When I find myself in times of trouble... I usually put on a horror movie.

Like a steaming bowl of macaroni and cheese, these ghoulish delights have been doing their important work for decades, man. I return to them again and again... their charms are numerous; their appeal is mighty. When I shuffle off this mortal coil, arrange an all-night mini-marathon of these films at the Music Box Theater, the happiest place on Earth, and invite both my friends and enemies to come enjoy for free... concessions included. Have the screenings start at midnight. And my ashes? I don’t know...throw them in the alley? Yuck.

Near Dark (1987)
In the same way that The Road Warrior and Blade Runner determined how the future would look in movies for two decades or more, Near Dark had a very real influence on later vampire films; many of the “new” tropes you may have seen in your favorite recent vampire films were pioneered by Near Dark. Although we all know that vampires are “not allowed” in daylight, no film before Near Dark was quite so specific (and graphic) about what happens when vampires break that rule. This lends a special irony to the film’s “daylight motel shootout” scene: the vampires have no fear whatsoever of the seeming hundreds of police bullets... but are deathly afraid of the blinding rays of sunlight that “shoot” from the bullet holes in the motel walls.

Near Dark is a hybrid of vampire movie and Western. It is an interesting mix. Most westerns posit a conflict on a frontier between two groups of people, usually the farmers and the cattlemen. The farmers want to lay down roots and build towns with schools and churches. The cattlemen prefer to roam nomadically with their herds and do whatever the hell they want. In Near Dark, the role of “farmer” is played by our hero Caleb, who considers his safe, small-town life to be boring and seeks excitement. The “cattlemen” have been transformed into a roving band of psychotic bloodsuckers.

Bubba Ho Tep (2002)
An elderly Elvis Presley (Bruce Campbell) finds himself with a broken hip in an East Texas rest home. How is this possible, you ask? Sometime earlier he switched places with an Elvis impersonator, à la The Prince and the Pauper, to escape the empty prison of fame. The impersonator dies of a heart attack; the real Elvis loses the original legal agreement in an unfortunate BBQ accident; no one believes he is the real Elvis. Old Elvis discovers there is a revived Egyptian mummy living off the souls of the other senior patients. He joins forces with John F. Kennedy (Ossie Davis--don’t ask) to battle the soul-sucking menace.

Although I find myself wildly ambivalent about the dialogue in this film, the near-constant voice-over narration by the King is inspired. Imagine the mid-song soliloquy from “Are You Lonesome Tonight?” extended to 90 minutes only this time, Elvis on sodium pentothal:

ELVIS
Here I was complaining about loss of pride and how life had treated me, and now I realized... I never had any pride. And much of how life had treated me had been good. The bulk of the bad was my own damn fault. Should've fired Colonel Parker by the time I got in pictures. Old fart had been a shark and a fool, and I was even a bigger fool for following him. If only I'd treated Priscilla right. If I could've told my daughter that I loved her. Always the questions. Never the answers.

Bruce Campbell’s Elvis impersonation is pretty awesome, especially when one considers that he is playing an imagined Elvis, an elderly Elvis who never existed. In all fairness though, I must add that Campbell’s performance and mimicry are eclipsed by Ossie Davis’s dead-on Kennedy impression, and by this I mean Ossie Davis’s fearless refusal to impersonate Kennedy in any discernable way.

The Blob (1958)
I unabashedly love the original 1958 Blob. I do not love it ironically or half-heartedly. My pulse quickens when I hear the its theme song; The fact that this ditty was a worldwide hit was partially responsible for raising this modest, independent production from its spot on a double bill with I Married a Monster from Outer Space to the reputation it enjoys today. (It’s in the Criterion Collection, for God’s sake!) It was also an early starring vehicle for Steve McQueen, and that doesn’t hurt, either.

The Blob also says a lot about human beings, not just in 1958, but now and forever. The old man at the beginning of the film pokes the meteor with a stick. When the meteor breaks open, revealing its gooey insides, he proceeds to POKE THAT GOO WITH THAT STICK! That’s what ALL OF US would do. Oh, do not lie to my face and tell me that you WOULD NOT POKE THAT GOO WITH THAT STICK – leave the meteor unmolested and fetch the authorities. Every single one of us would POKE THAT GOO WITH THAT STICK-- we would! That’s what makes us human, and horror films are all about exploring what makes us human. One of the reasons horror films work so well, and will continue to be made into infinity, is that we are so stupid as a species they will never run out of raw material.

Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954)
I realized long ago that my favorite Universal Classic Monster is the Creature from the Black Lagoon. This should surprise no one who knows me well or has ever been to my home. I proudly hang Francesco Francavilla’s magnificent Mondo Creature poster in the entranceway, along with the magnificent 18” Sideshow Toys “Swimming Creature.” The “great room” features a vintage Creature from the Black Lagoon pinball machine and a framed “insert” poster, signed by Julie Adams, Ben Chapman, and Ricou Browning. My office is festooned with Creature stuff: a life-size black and white Creature bust sits across the room, so that he can watch over me and everything I say and do. My car keys come attached to a Creature keychain.

Dr. Maia (Antonio Moreno) discovers a fossilized claw at an expedition dig site. He contacts devil-may-care ichthyologist Dr. Reed (Richard Carlson) thinking he might be interested in the claw. Reed tells his fiancée Kay Lawrence (Julie Adams) and boss Dr. Williams (Richard Denning) about the discovery. The plucky group rent a boat, The Rita, from local character Lucas (Nestor Paiva), who has never bathed nor showered. They discover further proof that this creature may still exist, and decide to poison the lagoon to flush him out. Before they can do this, Kay impetuously dives into the water, swims around lasciviously, and attracts the creature, who falls instantly in love with her.

Because of the blinkered Philistine pig-ignorant prohibitions against interspecies romance in the 1950s, this sort of thing was frowned upon and “simply not done”—but consider these facts: 1) The Creature is the better swimmer, 2) The Creature is the only character to literally sweep her off her feet, and 3) The Creature proved to be the better earner—Ben Chapman, who played the Creature on land, toured the fan convention circuit for years before his death, so did Ricou Browning, who played the Creature in the water. I have seen boatloads of Creature merchandise in my life: masks, coffee mugs, t-shirts, party favors, dolls, statues, posters, candles, knives, and assorted decorations. Yet how much fucking Richard Carlson merch is there? Little to none. That’s how much. I rest my case.

Kay Lawrence, you passed up your only chance for once and future love. I hope you sleep well.

Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948)
Few films have given me more pleasure than this one, released on June 15th, 1948. I’ve referenced it countless times in other columns and on the podcast, and here are just three reasons why I love it so: 1) It’s very funny; I have seen it countless times in real theaters and it never fails to bring the laughter, 2) It features the real, original Universal Monsters. Remember, this film features Bela Lugosi as the Count; he only actually played this part twice, and 3) The pacing is brisk and it never wears out its welcome.

Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein is usually the first movie I watch for Scary Movie Month. (This time I used the Peacock streaming service) and I suspect I might just be paying it another visit before Halloween. If you have never seen it... Gosh... I don’t know what to say...

TANGENT:
The other night I was enjoying the company of some old friends via a Happy Hour/Zoom Call we share once a month and facetiously call “Our Fake 40-Year High-School Reunion. One of my friends works for Universal Studios (I’ll call her “Rebecca,” because that is her name.) and another (Tom) had just signed up for the NBC/Universal Peacock streaming service. I was waxing boastful when I mentioned that my perfect “retirement job” would be as a Tram Tour Guide at Universal Studios Hollywood. I practically know the history of the studio already. Imagine if I simply boned up on all the facts for an actual job interview.

Tom had been using his Peacock subscription to work his way through the classic Monster films, and he asked why, after three beautiful, nuanced portrayals by Boris Karloff, the public perception of the Frankenstein Monster was a really tall guy walking stiffly with his arms outstretched? How did that come to pass?

“Well,” I said and took a deep breath, “in 1942’s The Ghost of Frankenstein, Henry Frankenstein’s son Ludwig (Cedric Hardwicke) winds up putting Ygor’s brain into the monster. Ygor was played by Bela Lugosi. At the end of the film, the monster speaks in Ygor’s voice because he has Ygor’s brain. We also discover that something in Ygor’s brain doesn’t match the Monster’s optic nerves or some shit... so the monster is now blind. When the studio followed up Ghost of Frankenstein with Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man, they figured it would be easier to just give Lugosi the part of the Monster, instead of dubbing in Lugosi’s Ygor voice. Preview audiences laughed at the Monster talking like Lugosi, so all of the Monster’s lines were cut in the editing room ALONG WITH EVERY REFERENCE TO THE MONSTER BEING BLIND. This is the first film that features a stiff, stumbling Monster, holding his hands out in front of him because he can’t see... and somehow that’s the image that stuck with the public.”

Do I get the job?

3 comments:

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  2. For the longest time my dad talked up John Carpenter’s Vampires as the greatest vampire movie he had ever seen. He talked about a motel shootout where the light from the bullet holes was more dangerous than the bullets; about a pub massacre that had to be seen to be believed; about blood transfusions on a cow farm… I thought he was crazy when I watched Vampires. Then I discovered Near Dark and it all clicked.

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  3. I love hearing about people's comfort movies! One of my horror comfort ones is Tremors! Thank you for reminding me to watch Abbott and Costello meet Frankenstein again its been ages for me!

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