2K Replay: ELIZABETHTOWN

 by Adam Riske

Nominated for “Best Soundtrack” at the Critics’ Choice Awards. It lost to Walk the Line.

• Best Scene/Moment: The insane road trip Kirsten Dunst convinces Orlando Bloom to take for his voyage home. First off, there’s no way she would’ve had time to plan this out. Second, she’s doing this for a guy who this time last week was a stranger. Third, she would have to know every roadside attraction and historical monument in every state, which seems implausible because she’s a flight attendant so, you know, flying over/not driving through these states. Anyways, the trip is total emotional whiplash too, with big swings like “Stop here for the best chili!” to “Turn the corner and see where Martin Luther King Jr. was killed” to “Go to Dinosaur World and spread some of your dad’s ashes” to “Dance by yourself in the forest” to “Have a scavenger hunt in the 2nd largest farmer’s market in the world.” If I were Orlando Bloom in this movie, I would think Dunst is just fucking with me after a while. The sequence ends with Bloom meeting Dunst at the farmer’s market with the instructions - “...Look for a girl in a red hat…who’s waiting for you with an alternate plan.” These instructions have a different connotation in 2025 than it did in 2005.

• Best Song (tie): “Big Love” by Fleetwood Mac and “Moon River” written by Henry Mancini and Johnny Mercer.

• Best Merch: An “Elizabethtown Product Cast & Crew Prop Parking Pass Sign Vehicle Display…” for $41.00. This is a parking pass given to the production cast & crew to put in car windows to gain access to the lot during the filming of the movie. Nowadays, you can use it as an explanation when someone derisively asks, “Why are you the way that you are?”

• Director Grade: Elizabethtown was directed by Cameron Crowe.
Great Movies: Say Anything…, Vanilla Sky
Good Movies: Singles, Jerry Maguire, Almost Famous, We Bought a Zoo
OK Movies: N/A
Bad Movies: Elizabethtown, Aloha
Unseen By Me: N/A
Overall Grade: B

• Double It with This 2005 Movie: Just Like Heaven

• Year 2005 Movies to Trailer Before Them: In Her Shoes, Kingdom of Heaven, Shopgirl

• Never Talk to Strangers or Elizabethtown? Never Talk to Strangers

• Mall Movie? Probably not. Even though the movie’s a failure, I don’t think a Cameron Crowe movie circa 2005 would play at the mall. Aloha would play at the mall.

• Only in 2005: Casting Paula Deen. Yuck.

• Scene Stealer: Paul Schneider, but not in a good way. It’s not his fault. He’s like if an Austin City Limits Music Festival were a person.

• I Miss: Cameron Crowe movies. I know Aloha put him in movie jail, but I’d still go opening night if a new Cameron Crowe movie came out in theaters.

• I Don’t Miss: Orlando Bloom regular guy lead performances. It’s like in Garden State when Natalie Portman’s character says “you’re in it right now” but the exact opposite.

• 2005 Crush: Kirsten Dunst.

• 2025 Crush (tie): Judy Greer and Kirsten Dunst.

• What I Thought in 2005: The advanced buzz out of the festival circuit made Elizabethtown a wounded bird by the time I saw it opening weekend. I didn’t think it was as bad as I’d heard but it certainly was a strange movie and a huge step down from the usual quality of a Cameron Crowe film. If it wasn’t for Kirsten Dunst, I probably would’ve hated it. She’s doing real movie star work in this one, dragging whatever charisma she can out of a character who’s written like either an ethereal being or a complete psychopath.

• What I Think in 2025: This is probably one of the worst movies I still have fondness for and could watch anytime. The lead performance by Orlando Bloom is Tommy Wiseau level off-key, but it’s fascinating. Dunst’s character might be among the worst written of the 2000s. The subplots involving grief, failed musicians, road trips, and shoe rollouts are from outer space. I’d take a (to borrow a phrase from the movie) “fiasco” like this any day of the week. I’m not happy to be dancing on Cameron Crowe’s directing misfortune (as I mentioned above, I like most of his films) but this is like first-draft/we should cancel everything/we have a responsibility to our investors-level shit.