Sometimes I sit in my office for days, trying to come up with an idea to write about. Fortunately, that’s where I keep my DVD and Blu-ray collections, so I never feel lonely.
The other day while staring lovingly at my perfectly alphabetized (otherwise--HOW COULD I SLEEP?) rows of DVDs and Blu-rays, I began to notice weird pairings of films standing next to each other in the stacks. Friends, I would like to share with you now the weirdest and worst (that is, BEST) “alphabetical double features” in my collection:
Bound and Bowfinger
Bowling for Columbine and Boys Town
Casablanca and Casa De Mi Padre
Dick Van Dyke Show and Die Hard
Drive and Dumbo
Easy Rider and Edison, The Man
Fall of the House of Usher and Faster, Pussycat—Kill Kill!
Frozen and Full Metal Jacket
Hairspray and Halloween
Hellraiser and Help!
Idiocracy and I Drink Your Blood (It's got electrolytes!)
Jaws and Jesus Christ Superstar (Just when you thought it was safe to walk on the water….)
Or, looking just a little to the right on the shelf…
Jesus Christ Superstar and JFK (Two charismatic young leaders, both cut down in their primes!)
The Little Mermaid and Lolita
Mandingo and Manhattan
Midnight in Paris and Midnight Meat Train
Night of the Lepus and The Odd Couple
Psycho and Quick Change (Get it?)
Saturday Night Fever and Saving Private Ryan
The Shining and Showgirls
Snakes on a Plane and Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
Taxi Driver and The Ten Commandments
Tootsie and Tough Guys Don’t Dance
Sometimes I’ll take a margarita or eight down to my office with me… for “research purposes.” The last time I did this, two thoughts occurred to me: “Yes, I DO think I am the best judge of how much I have had to drink,” and “What if some of these alphabetical neighbors were actually combined into ONE film?” Here’s what “the Ritas” and I came up with:
All Monsters Attack All That Jazz
The Birds in The Birth of a Nation: “Dear Ma: This war is a terrible thing, but Providence in her Mercy has spared me from death by rebel hand. I have, however, had both of my eyes pecked clean out by a pack of upstart crows.”
The Broadway Melody of Bubba-Ho-Tep
Cruising the Crying Game: “That’s a MAN, baby!”
Death of Salesman: De-Lovely!
The Dirty Dozen: District 9
The Doors in Do The Right Thing: ”Come on, Mookie, light my fire…”
Elvis: The Enforcer: Nixon gave him a badge… the STREETS gave him a reason!
Killer Klowns from Outer Space Killing Them Softly
The Mummy: My Favorite Year
Once… Upon a Time in the West: Two musicians fall in love amidst the tumult of shoot-outs, stampedes, and land grabs.
Popeye: The President’s Analyst
Ratatouille: the Re-Animator
Sideways Silence of the Lambs (“I ate his liver with fava beans and a nice Pinot Noir.”)
Strangers on a Train Stop Making Sense
Swamp Thing Meets The Swimmer
You Can’t Take It With You, Young Mr. Lincoln
F-Heads, take a look at your stacks—what are your favorite “serendipitous double features?”