We are all interested in this man and his podcast, for that is the stuff we use to fill the empty spaces between our ears. You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, and the unexplainable—that is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing to you the full story. We are bringing you all the evidence, based only on the secret testimony of the miserable soul who survived knowing this man for almost 25 years. I am that miserable soul. The love of chicken sandwiches, the love of KISS, and the love of giallo—my friend, we cannot keep these a secret any longer. Let us punish the guilty. Let us reward the innocent. Remember, my friends: Patrick Bromley and his podcast will affect you in the future!
• The name “Patrick” is actually Gaelic for “It’s fine.”
• If you enjoy the podcast, you would really enjoy the podcast outtakes, which contractually may not be posted until after my death. In one segment, Patrick disagreed with me so vehemently that he screamed, “Consider this your last podcast, fatboy!” and yanked the power cord from the wall with such ferocity that chunks of drywall went flying. As he began to beat me with the business end of the cord, I ran to the bathroom and wrested the porcelain top from the toilet—NOT to beat him senseless (as I explained to the officer later), but to placate Patrick by reminding him of True Romance
, one of his favorite movies.
• As the story above proves, Patrick’s reputation as a “decent, patient man” with “super-kind eyes” may be, shall I say, overstated. I have seen podcast-inspired fistfights between Patrick and Doug that resulted in emergency room visits, broken ribs, and a broken toe. I have heard Patrick bait Erich Asperschlager to the point of profanity, which is not in Erich’s nature. I once saw Patrick reduce Adam Riske to tears. (Like the rest of us, he knows to leave martial arts master Mark Ahn alone.)
• With apologies to her fans, I must reveal that Heather Wixson doesn’t really exist. That’s Patrick doing her voice on their podcasts together. Patrick’s doctors claim that “Heather Wixson” is merely one of his many “personalities.”
• One night when we are all sitting down with some adult beverages, remind me to tell you all about the dark time when Patrick neither cut his hair nor slept for thirteen consecutive years.
• Everyone thought that piece I recorded for the fifth anniversary podcast
about being chained in a cage in Patrick’s basement was just a funny bit. Sigh. THAT’S WHY I’M STILL IN THE CAGE, FOLKS.
• Patrick has no believable explanation of where he was on the weekend of the Paris terrorist attacks. Just saying.
• Mike Pomaro and Adam Thas? Just two more of Patrick’s “personalities.” The US Census has no record of a “Heath Holland” living anywhere in the “continental United States.” Rob DiCristino is a hand puppet.
• Because Patrick Bromley cannot distinguish between fantasy and reality, every movie he sees is, in his mind at least, “true.” He believes that he has gone “back to the future” and invented rock and roll. He is Winslow, the poor composer crushed by Swan in Phantom of the Paradise
. Most tragically, he thinks that it was his DNA, extracted from a prehistoric mosquito trapped in tree sap, which gave rise to the T-Rex and velociraptors in Jurassic Park
. Do not try to talk him out of these “facts!” His team of doctors thinks it best if he is simply allowed to exist in a state of what they call “sedated, cheerful, and hopeful ignorance.”
• Many people think that Patrick invented F This Movie! Fest to capitalize on the popularity of Twitter… until they realize that Patrick actually invented Twitter.
• And me? You guessed it: I am merely another one of Patrick’s myriad “personalities.” Patrick has written this column through the conduit of another person who doesn’t really exist… and written it about HIMSELF! And all of you reading this... yes, you there, and you... and you… don’t you see now that, as loyal listeners of F This Movie!, you are all figments of Patrick’s prolific and fevered imagination? Did I just blow your mind? NO. I blew MY mind! You’re welcome. I’m welcome.
My friend, you have now read this column, based on my own sworn testimony. Can you prove that Patrick Bromley doesn’t exist? Perhaps on your way home, someone will pass you in the dark, and you will never know it, but it is Patrick. Either run quickly in the opposite direction or punch him in the throat. My God, the only language this man understands is pain! Many scientists believe that people with multiple personalities live among us. We once laughed at mental illness, the telephone, and mental illness. So much laughter! Here’s hoping that Patrick has an outstanding 40th birthday. I would only ever joke around like this with a very very good friend. Happy Birthday, pal.
The Pope will return next week to tell you about the best movie ever.
Hey, that's the same mixer I use! Behringer Xenyx QX1202, right?ReplyDelete
And biggest reveal of the article: Patrick has a heart-shaped tattoo on his right middle finger??
Not to mention every season of Boy Meets World.Delete
Of course!! "Heather Wixon," the Psycho poster...it all makes sense! Whatever you do, keep "Heather Wixon" away from knives and showers at all costs!ReplyDelete
I knew it wasn't possible for a "real person" to love The Howling II...Delete
Damnit, my apologies to "Heather Wixson," as I realized I missed the "s." Now I'll be one of "her" victims for sure...Delete
I knew it. Damn YankeeReplyDelete
I started reading this while in class (shame on me) and had to try so hard to hold back laughter. Naturally, I had to come back to it later.ReplyDelete
And by "laughter" I actually mean "tears" because the facts presented here are so depressing. Who knew one of Patrick's personalities thinks Underworld is the Lord of the Rings of werewolf movies?
Wait, if Patrick's DNA was used in JURASSIC PARK, doesn't that make him a hermaphrodite?ReplyDelete
Actually it's his possession of both male and female genitalia that make him a hermaphrodite. If you ask nicely he'll send you a picture, but be warned he won't stop sending you pictures no matter how nicely you ask.Delete
Great write-up, JB, and way to expose Patrick Bromley for the monster he is. I don't even want to know what he did to The Quibbler.ReplyDelete
Rob D is a hand puppet, I'm wondering where you stick the hand.ReplyDelete
Nice words JB
I bet you are.Delete
I love writing that makes me smile - and I was smiling from the first sentence - so so good as usual JBReplyDelete
And happy Birthday Patrick - your site and the personalities/puppets you have collected make the world that much smarter
A fascinating case study. I have some thoughts which may add light to this troubled individual's unique psychosis.ReplyDelete
'Doug Schultz' is an anagram of 'such gold u zt'. The subject habitually wears a beard. I don't know if this is to conceal some skin problem, real or imaginary, but the Doug personality could be a manifestation of a desire on the part of the patient to grow wealthy and famous and thus be able to afford otherwise prohibitively expensive specialist treatment for this malady.
'Adam Riske' anagrammatises as 'maskeradi', which is an archaic spelling of masquerade and surely requires no further elucidation. Patient P was rather fainéant when it came to naming this alter ego.
'Heather Wixson' is an anagram of 'now hear this xs'. The subject is a broadcaster. He has spent hundreds of hours trying to get people to 'hear' him via his podcast. Heather is one of the more recent individuals to appear on F This Movie!, I believe. 'Xs' could be a signal that he is feeling overwhelmed by all these personalities; it is literally an 'excess'. Another explanation is that the subject has megalomaniacal tendencies and seeks an excess of adoration. Heather was created in order to reach a wider female audience because of the dearth of women on his programme.
'JB' can be anagrammatised only once, and we hardly need contact the ghost of Doctor Freud to get to the roots of this other self. As with the Riske personality, the subject exhibited a degree of laziness with this creation; or he was actively seeking exposure. The fantasies, if that is what they are, of violent acts committed by the subject in this article by the JB persona are a red flag which may signal an imminent escalation of behaviour, the landmark fortieth birthday being the likely trigger.
Make no mistake, we are dealing with a seriously disturbed individual. My recommendation: the subject seems to enjoy talking about motion pictures. Put him in a padded room with a microphone and an unlimited supply of Coke Zero and just let the poor fellow talk. Occasional exposure to films could be beneficial. The Three Faces of Eve, Primal Fear and Fight Club might be be of particular benefit in my professional opinion. Under no circumstances, and I cannot stress this enough, allow patient P to view Secret Window. That film is fucking terrible.
This was amazing. Seriously though Patrick enough is enough. Just don't start self medicating.Delete
I loved reading this! It's perfection JB!ReplyDelete
This was a big-smile read, for sure.ReplyDelete