• The name “Patrick” is actually Gaelic for “It’s fine.”
• If you enjoy the podcast, you would really enjoy the podcast outtakes, which contractually may not be posted until after my death. In one segment, Patrick disagreed with me so vehemently that he screamed, “Consider this your last podcast, fatboy!” and yanked the power cord from the wall with such ferocity that chunks of drywall went flying. As he began to beat me with the business end of the cord, I ran to the bathroom and wrested the porcelain top from the toilet—NOT to beat him senseless (as I explained to the officer later), but to placate Patrick by reminding him of True Romance, one of his favorite movies.
• With apologies to her fans, I must reveal that Heather Wixson doesn’t really exist. That’s Patrick doing her voice on their podcasts together. Patrick’s doctors claim that “Heather Wixson” is merely one of his many “personalities.”
• One night when we are all sitting down with some adult beverages, remind me to tell you all about the dark time when Patrick neither cut his hair nor slept for thirteen consecutive years.
fifth anniversary podcast about being chained in a cage in Patrick’s basement was just a funny bit. Sigh. THAT’S WHY I’M STILL IN THE CAGE, FOLKS.
• Patrick has no believable explanation of where he was on the weekend of the Paris terrorist attacks. Just saying.
• Mike Pomaro and Adam Thas? Just two more of Patrick’s “personalities.” The US Census has no record of a “Heath Holland” living anywhere in the “continental United States.” Rob DiCristino is a hand puppet.
• Many people think that Patrick invented F This Movie! Fest to capitalize on the popularity of Twitter… until they realize that Patrick actually invented Twitter.
• And me? You guessed it: I am merely another one of Patrick’s myriad “personalities.” Patrick has written this column through the conduit of another person who doesn’t really exist… and written it about HIMSELF! And all of you reading this... yes, you there, and you... and you… don’t you see now that, as loyal listeners of F This Movie!, you are all figments of Patrick’s prolific and fevered imagination? Did I just blow your mind? NO. I blew MY mind! You’re welcome. I’m welcome.
The Pope will return next week to tell you about the best movie ever.