by Adam Riske
All Those Copies So Perfectly Shrink-Wrapped
TV news reports of movie premieres and home video releases are my jam. This one, for 1989’s Batman, is pretty fantastic. Most of the success can be attributed to Channel 7’s Boy Wonder, Mike Randall, who is a total ham. At the 0:31 mark, why is the guy in yellow buying three VHS copies of Batman? Does he think they’re DIVX discs? At 1:06, Randall calls Batman “the black knight,” was Batman also known by this? The woman at 1:11 says she’s lusting after Michael Keaton, which is fine, but ON THE NEWS???? Your community sees this! My favorite part of this news report comes at the end when we’re back in studio. I love how Keith Radford says “it was just in the movie…house…theater.” The only thing that would make it better is if he then asked the other anchors “Does my human skin still look normal?”
P.S. Don’t forget Batman (1989) is closing F This Movie Fest 7 on Saturday, March 3rd. Join us for the world’s only all-Twitter film festival. You can find more details by clicking the tab above that reads “F This Movie Fest 2018.”
Even Windsor Gardens Has a Nondescript Multiplex
2018: The year I became a Paddington super fan. I love this ad of him doing the bachelor thing and seeing a movie by himself. It makes me feel less alone. I’m a little disappointed he’s sneaking in food (I thought he wasn’t like that), but if the concession stands aren’t going to sell marmalade, then what is he to do? That usher at 0:22 (Judge Reinhold’s son?) is overacting, btw.
Talk Hard, Turtle Fans
Holy shit is this a treasure! First off, I love customer testimonial TV spots for movies. Second, why is Christian Slater in this ad? Was he on break from Pump Up the Volume? Also, that’s a fucking great mall blazer he’s wearing. Why does the girl at 0:12 want to hook up with Leo? Some kinda Shape of Water thing? Why doesn’t she want Casey Jones? He’s the one with that farmhouse sex heat. At 0:15, is that Harry Potter? Checks out to me, because he’s not there with his parents. Are the kids at 0:18 the real-life manifestation of the cartoon children from the Burger King Kids Club? 0:21 (spits out Slice) M.C. Hammer????!!!!! Why does he have a devil laugh? The only downside to this spot is I would love to know what Christian Slater thought of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990). I guess we’ll never know.
Psych! Slater tells you right here. His reaction is priceless. I want to have “WE LOVED IT” available as a drop for future podcasts. The delivery is just perfection. Speaking of delivery, who are those children he’s with? It’s not his brother Ryan Slater. I’ve seen The Amazing Panda Adventure, so I know what he looks like. Are the three teenage girls at the end using “Love That Joker” products?
Demon Knight Has Come
I am very happy I found this old TV spot for Demon Knight. I used to watch cut-to-shreds syndication repeats of Tales from the Crypt late Saturday nights on Fox and on one of these nights they dropped this TV spot. It was the first time I ever heard there was going to be a Tales from the Crypt movie. I was through the roof excited. I ran upstairs to tell my parents about it. I’m going to try to re-enact my reaction as it dawned on me what this commercial was.
“On Friday January 13, see a Tale from the Crypt that is so terrifying, it can only be seen at the movies.” Adam’s Reaction: Friday the 13th? That’s a horror date! I love Fridays. What is this movie? It’s TALES FROM THE CRYPT! TALES FROM THE CRYPT! TALES FROM THE CRYPT! It’s so terrifying they can only show it in theaters? This movie is going to fuck me up! I’m going to call Frank and Paul and Asgar and Billy Wilson. I don’t know what to do with myself right now. I’m gotta run upstairs and tell everyone. They better not have plans on Friday, January 13th. They need to drive me to the theater. I wonder if I can take off school…
I only got more excited when Filter’s “Hey Man, Nice Shot” kicked in and this perfect ad closes with a sweet Crypt Keeper drop. Fun fact: Until I saw the Demon Knight album’s tracklist, I thought “Hey Man, Nice Shot” was called “Demon Knight Has Come.” Try flipping the words to that. It kinda fits, doesn’t it?
1…2…Freddy’s Renting for You…3…4…Better Order More
With every passing year, I like Robert Englund more. Here he is gamely in-character as Freddy Krueger for the VHS Retailer promo of A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors. The fun starts at 0:35 where Freddy rattles off the financial earnings of his latest hit, soon followed by him taking it to the easel pad to show off his franchise entries’ gradually increasing rental unit business. There’s something about Freddy having to show ROI that makes him less scary and more human. I don’t mind it. Here’s a question to leave you with: What’s scarier? Losing your soul to Krueger or being a video store owner with not enough copies on-hand of A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors on street date? Did you call in time for the pre-order? I hope you did, especially in Syracuse. They had to call in the mounted police to control NOES 3 theatrical crowds. What a nightmare!
Do you have any fun movie-related clips to share? Leave a comment with the link below!