Tuesday, April 9, 2019

Celluloid Ramblings: Beer Fighter Round II

by JB
Time once again for everyone’s NEW FAVORITE GAME!

Two weeks ago, while canoodling with my movie disc collection, I invented a fun game to distract me from the very real fact that my eyesight was getting worse. I named the game “Beer Fighter,” for reasons that will soon become obvious. You can read the original column (and play Round I of the game) here.

I grow old. I grow old. I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled. I shall wear white flannel trousers and walk along the beach. Do I dare to eat a peach? Quickly then, let us review the rules of play:

1. I look at a shelf full of my little movie discs.
2. WITHOUT glasses, I try to read a title. I fail.
3. I write down what I THINK is written on the case. I do my best.
4. YOU try to guess what the movie actually IS!
5. Fun! At the bottom of the column, I provide a key with the actual answers.
6. Ready? Try to guess the ACTUAL MOVIE TITLE based on my GUESS:
1. Gold Balls
2. Flashpoint’s Carton of Smokes
3. A Cure for What Ails You
4. El Dopamine
5. Polanki’s Batman
6. Calliope
7. Curse of the Cracked Pumpkin
8. Beginner’s Stain
9. Walter Becker’s “Alright, the Waiter Nods”
10. The Amateur’s Heimlich
11. Black Provolone
12. Special Angus/Three Caravans
13. Sideways Glance at the Whirligig of Tabasco
14. The Stench of Voodoo
15. The Thingmaker
16. Waitress for the Proletariat
17. What’s Up With Bill?
18. 50 Glands
19. Selfies
20. Spoil the Pop-up Party
21. Fist Clan
22. Earl’s Bird
23. Mr. Sterling Only Knows
24. Last Cake
25. Loud and Bloody Life

Do you have a guess for each one? No? C’mon, play the game! Yes? Good. Here are the answers, i.e. the title of the real movie on the case:
1. Grand Hotel
2. Fleisher Brothers’ Cartoon Roots
3. Curse of the Crimson Altar
4. The Deep
5. Donovan’s Brain
6. Child’s Play
7. Bird with the Crystal Plumage
8. The Andromeda Strain
9. Werner Herzog’s Aguirre: the Wrath of God
10. The Amityville Horror
11. Buck Privates
12. Saludos Amigos/Three Caballeros
13. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
14. That Thing You Do!
15. The Thin Man
16. Witness for the Prosecution
17. Wake Up and Kill
18. 40 Guns
19. Sleeper
20. Attack of the Puppet People
21. Fight Club
22. Easy Rider
23. Dr. Terror’s House of Horrors
24. Earthquake
25. Blood and Black Lace

I am looking forward to this game getting much weirder. How did you do on this round? Did you get them all? I thought not. Share your funniest guesses below. Do you have DVD and Blu-ray titles that you misread? Play this game with your own collection, then put your list in the comments, and let us guess. Share SOMETHING in the comments section below.


  1. What do you think Dario Argento's Curse of the Cracked Pumpkin would actually be about? Maybe an American horticulturist, living in Rome, witnesses a murder from his greenhouse. However, his automatic misting machines have obscured his view. He'll need help from his assistant, Chiara, who's also trying to keep his rare orange lilly alive for some big dumb flower show.

  2. I’m betting Chiara is the killer.

    1. Spoiler Alert: It's Rocco Pedrotti, the contractor who installed the automatic misters. I didnt mention him earlier because he has nothing to do with the plot, and is only briefly seen twice. Anyway, his psychosis is triggered by the victim's pumpkin pendant, which reminds him of the time his caught his father cheating on his mother in a pumpkin patch. This information is discovered in a highly contrived manner.

  3. You, sir, KNOW your Argento. My hat is off.

  4. This has to be one of the most bizarre and oddly personal series of writings on any movie site on the internet. And for that reason I love it! JB, I want you to know I honestly sat in front of my shelves and gave it a try tonight, but either because my eyesight is too poor without glasses, or my imagination is too lame, it didn't work for me. Still, your imaginary titles are amazing, and I want to see The Thingmaker and Fist Clan immediately!