Tuesday, May 7, 2019

Celluloid Ramblings: BEER FIGHTER Round III

by JB

Six weeks ago, while canoodling with my movie collection, I invented a fun game to distract me from the indisputable fact that my eyesight was getting worse. I named the game “Beer Fighter,” for reasons that will soon become obvious. You can read the original column (and play Round I of the game) here.

Did you also miss Round II? Where have you been? What have you been doing? Who do you think you are? What gives you the right? You can find the penultimate round here.

I actually look forward to getting older and older and making less and less sense. First, you stop caring about how you look, then you stop caring about what you wear, and finally you stop caring about how you smell. All of these “loads off my mind” cannot come too quickly. Losing my eyesight completely, however, would be a major pain in the ass. I love movies. I love looking at things. I love looking at movies. I wonder if I can bargain with the Lord Up Above to take my sense of smell first, then touch, then taste, and then hearing… and leave my goddamn eyesight for last? One can dream.
Quickly then, let us review the rules of play:

1. I look at a shelf full of little movie discs.
2. WITHOUT glasses, I try to read a title. I fail.
3. I write down what I THINK is written on the case. I do my best. (ONCE AGAIN: I am not joking about these. I really thought these were printed.)
4. YOU try to guess what the movie actually IS!
5. Fun! At the bottom of the column, I provide a key with the actual answers.
6. Ready? Try to guess the ACTUAL MOVIE TITLE based on my GUESS:

1. Chancellor of Chocolate
2. Join Cossacks, Keep Fidgeting
3. Eat Your Dumplings!
4. Crenshaw
5. Coffee Family
6. Fahrenheit
7. Street Girl of Danger
8. Take Her to Carol
9. Required for Otter’s Pleasure
10. Simply Put
11. They Swell but Never Burst
12. The Tame Children
13. Etcetera
14. Slap Your Own Boy
15. Special Buddy
16. The Alligator’s Ribs
17. The Wide Turban
18. Where’s Watusi?
19. Wool Strand
20. It Happened in Bayou Town
21. Sassy O’Brien
22. Soap is Cleansing
23. Greece is Flooded
24. Puppy Hat
25. The Captain is Queer
Did you make a guess for each one? No? Okay, try again. I can wait. I have all day Yes? Did you? Did you come up with 25 guesses or are you just humoring me? You did? Great! Here are the answers, i.e. the title of the real movie on the case:

1. Chandu the Magician
2. John Cusack – High Fidelity
3. Duck You Sucker!
4. Creepshow
5. Cloud Atlas
6. Cloverfield
7. Sweet Smell of Success
8. Tales from the Crypt
9. Teenagers from Outer Space
10. Swordfish
11. They Shall Not Grow Old
12. The Time Machine
13. Secretary
14. Shack Out On 101
15. Spider Baby
16. The Stewardesses
17. The Wasp Woman
18. Wayne’s World
19. Willard
20. Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?
21. Smokey and the Bandit
22. Romeo is Bleeding
23. Queen of Blood
24. Superman
25. To Catch A Thief

Well, that’s game, set, and match. I hope you all had fun. And now, we will never speak of this again.


  1. Plot description for THE WIDE TURBAN:

    A dimwitted cow-poke gets mistaken for an oil man and is whisked off to a strange, ancient land where the scimitar is mightier than the six-shooter. He falls in love with a sheik's daughter, but they are torn apart when war breaks out and he must use all his cowboy skills to make it back to his true love. (Along the way he fashions a new type of turban... one with a WIDE brim.) Hilarity ensues.

  2. I would buy a ticket to that film; it sounds like it would be full of hijinks. Plus, it’s probably going to better than The Wasp Woman...

    1. I prefer the sequel. "The Wasp Woman & The Villainous Volcanos of Venus"

  3. Street Girl Of Danger sounds great! Slap Your Own Boy should be a PSA Commercial.

  4. Also I expect Sassy O'Brien wrote and directed Puppy Hat

  5. It’s actually the great, lost Jack Nicholson film of the nineties. He plays Brian O’Brien, the unsung founder of Sassy magazine.