Thursday, September 30, 2010

F This Movie! - F These Movies for All Hallows' Eve (Part II)

In the second part of this special Halloween episode, Patrick and JB take on 10 of the worst horror movies ever made, from killer rabbits to killer Coke machines to killer wind.



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F This Movie! - F These Movies for All Hallows' Eve (Part I)

To kick off Horror Movie Month at F This Movie!, Patrick and JB count down 10 of the best horror films to watch this October.



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Wednesday, September 29, 2010

The F This Movie! Scary Movie Challenge


Welcome to Scary Movie Month at F This Movie!

F This Movie! - American Pie

Patrick, Doug and special guest Jason make a pact to F the 1999 teen comedy American Pie on prom night. It feels nothing like dessert.



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F These F'ing Awesome Movies 2


We can all pretend like we shouldn't care about The Social Network because it's the "Facebook movie," but let's admit to ourselves that it's going to be awesome for a number of reasons. And let's admit these movies are awesome, too. Let's admit it while we F them.

1. Once Upon a Time in the West (1968) - You know your movie is f'ing awesome when Charles Bronson is the least badass thing about it. Henry Fonda? Badass. Jason Robards? Badass. Such a kick ass movie. Also, Claudia Cardinale.

2. Joe Versus the Volcano (1990) - How the fuck have more people seen Sleepless in Seattle or You've Got Mail than this? Such a beautiful movie. I forgot how BIG. Thank you for my life.

3. Blade Runner (1982) - It's been ripped off so many times and re-released in so many different iterations that you might not think that Blade Runner is one of the best movies ever made. You would be wrong. Too bad she won't live. But, then again, who does?

4. The Wizard of Oz (1939) - Because it's f'ing Wizard of Oz, f'ers.

5. The Long Goodbye (1973) - Robert Altman's take on Philip Marlowe is one of the shaggiest, most unconventional and best detective movies ever made. Elliott Gould mumbles and is awesome. Arnold Schwarzenegger shows up. Every song on the soundtrack is a variation on the theme song. Robert Altman made an insane number of great movies, and this is one of his best.

6. Forbidden Planet (1956) - Let's pretend this isn't one of the best sci-fi films of all time. Let's pretend Leslie Nielsen isn't awesome playing it straight or that it doesn't have Robby the Robot or that its widescreen Metrocolor compositions aren't incredible or that it has nothing to do with successfully turning The Tempest into space opera. Forbidden Planet would still be f'ing awesome for one reason: Anne Francis.

7. Michael Clayton (2007) - Every scene is good and interesting. The climax is kind of terrible, but everything else about this movie is f'ing awesome so the movie is still f'ing awesome.

8. Pickup on South Street (1953) - Because Sam Fuller. One of meanest, toughest and baddest movies ever made.

9. Blow Out (1981) - Brian DePalma's best movie, and he's made a lot of awesome movies. John Travolta's best performance, and he's agreed to appear in a lot of movies.

10. Inglourious Basterds (2009) - We got us a German here who wants to die for country. Obliiiige him.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

F This Movie! - The Fountain


While honoring yet another listener request, Patrick and Alex get appropriately pretentious in this f'ing of Darren Aronofsky's 2006 sci-fi romance The Fountain.



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Friday, September 24, 2010

F These Unnecessary Sequels


By design, almost all sequels are unnecessary and are just cynical attempts to repeat past successes and make more money. Because capitalism and America is the best country that God has given Man on the face of the Earth. That doesn't mean that all sequels are bad, or that some (Spider-Man 2) aren't superior to their predecessors. Let's F some sequels that aren't necessarily horrible but which have no justifiable reason for being.

1. Another Stakeout (1993) - The textbook definition of unnecessary sequel. Stakeout is a fine movie, but no one who happened to catch it on HBO one night (because that's the only way anyone has ever seen Stakeout) ever thought "I would like to know that happens to these characters next. And I would like Rosie O'Donnell to participate."

2. Basic Instinct 2 (2006) - Weird. This terrible sequel to a terrible movie made it seem like Sharon Stone might be desperate and sexually unappealing. That can't be right.

3. The Rage: Carrie 2 (1999) - Not a bad movie, just a pointless one. If it were five years later, they would have called this a remake or, even barfier, a "re-imagining" of Brian DePalama's original. Imagine Carrie, only worse. Plus, that title should have tampons thrown at it. The only connection to the original movie is the presence of Amy Irving. Sue Snell deserves better than a fire poker through the head. Go fuck yourself, Carrie 2.

4. Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000) - There really was no way to make this work, and they shouldn't have tried. I get why a studio would want a sequel to 1999's $100+ grossing Blair Witch Project. I even appreciate that documentary director Joe Berlinger wanted to do something different, because there really was no way to repeat what worked about Blair Witch. It was the choice to make movie barf that I couldn't get behind.

5. The Sting II (1983) - Paul Newman and Robert Redford and Robert Shaw and George Roy Hill had nothing to do with making The Sting a success. It was the words "The Sting."

6. The Whole Ten Yards (2004) - I actually liked The Whole Nine Yards, and even I wasn't looking for a sequel. Luckily, everything about it is the worst.

7. xXx: State of the Union (2005) - There exists a step down on the charisma scale from Vin Diesel, and its name is Ice Cube. We got a problem here? This movie should get sick for a long time and then get better only to get hit by a bus.

8. Fay Grim (2006) - I'm not saying that talky '90s indie movies like Hal Hartley's Henry Fool shouldn't have sequels. I'm just saying they shouldn't have this sequel. Just because you deliberately make a spy movie that is a bad spy movie doesn't mean you haven't succeeded in making a bad spy movie, Hal Hartley.

9. Weekend at Bernie's II (1993) - You might think that Weekend at Bernie's already stretched a thin, one-joke premise to its breaking point. You would be wrong, because there was still a whole voodoo plot to explore. "Don't you think there's still some magic left in this formula?" said Terry Kiser.

10. Terminator: Salvation (2009) - People need to stop saying that they want to see movies based on mythology that's hinted at in other, better movies. You don't want to see the Clone Wars. You don't want to see the inside of Zion. And you sure as hell don't want to see mankind's war against the Skynet machines. Director McG isn't really even the problem here. It's the story that was ill-conceived in its conception, combined with a bad script and a movie-length boring-off between Sam Worthington and Christian Bale. Christian Bale, you are the winner. Gooood for you.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

F These Unexpected Character Deaths (Major Spoilers, DUH)

It's always sad when a character we like is unexpectedly killed in a movie, but not really because it's just an actor playing make-believe dead. Let's F some of the make-believe deaths that are most surprising. Don't read any further if you don't want to these movies spoiled for you.

---MAJOR SPOILERS BELOW ---

---SERIOUSLY---

1. Marion Crane, Psycho (1960) - Neato! It's 1960, and I'm at the movies. I'm really enjoying this movie called Psycho, even if it is in black and white. I like Janet Leigh, and I'm happy to see that she is the star of this movie! Also, my boner is happy about her bra. I'm so glad she plans to return that money she stole, right after she takes this much-needed shower. She needs to clean up! Literally, but also metaphorically. Wait...what the...what the fuck? Who is that with the knife? What the fuck just happened? She's DEAD? You mean I have to spend the rest of the movie with the odd fucker who won't shut up about birds? Oh, wait. This movie is still awesome. That doesn't change the fact that my world has been rocked by the surprise murder of someone I cared about. At least I can take solace in the fact that JFK is still president. Phew.

2. Dr. Malcolm Crowe, The Sixth Sense (1999) - That's salty, dawg.

3. Vincent Vega, Pulp Fiction (1994) - Travolta's hitman was the main character of the movie. Plus, he's alive even after he dies, because this was the mid-'90s and THERE WERE NO RULES. This is why I coined the phrase "It's time to shit or get the Pop-Tart. Or get machined gunned to death by Bruce Willis."

4. Optimus Prime, The Transformers: The Movie (1986) - The lead Transformer is killed a third of the way into this children's cartoon/toy commercial. When Optimus Prime is shot and killed while trying to open the Autobot Matrix of Leadership, it was like my childhood was shot and killed while trying to open the Autobot Matrix of Leadership.

5. Russell Franklin, Deep Blue Sea (1999) - It was only a matter of time before all of the characters in Renny Harlin's mentally-challenged thriller were killed by the Alzheimer sharks, but none of us were expecting Samuel L. Jackson to be among the first, or for it to happen right before he made his big speech. Apparently, the Alzheimer sharks were as sick of Sam Jackson monologues as the rest of us had become by the late '90s. Fuck that guy.

6. Lt. Colonel Austin Travis, Executive Decision (1996) - Of course the leader of the military mission has to be taken out in Stuart Baird's surprisingly good Executive Decision, if only so Kurt Rusell can step up and channel his inner Jack Burton. But it's Steven fucking Seagal, so we don't expect it. I choose to believe getting sucked out of airlock didn't kill him. I choose to believe that ponytailed sonofabitch can fly.

7. Special Agent Richard Chance, To Live and Die in L.A. (1985) - William Friedkin's synth-heavy, neon-drenched crime thriller is dated but awesome and way underrated. There's a kick-ass car chase and some neat stuff about counterfeiting. Willem Dafoe plays a villain who's incredibly slimy (because Willem Dafoe) and William Peterson is great as a jacked-up, twitchy federal agent. Then, with 15 minutes left in the movie, Peterson takes a shotgun blast to the face and the fucking hero of the movie is dead. For 15 minutes, John Pankow -- aka Cousin Ira from Mad About You -- is the hero of a Hollywood action movie directed by an Academy Award winner.

8. Jenna, Friday the 13th (2009) - This slick, pointless "remake" of Friday the 13th should definitely fuck off, particularly for killing the character who, by every indication, would be the "final girl" to fight and defeat Jason. She's played by Danielle Panabaker, who is lovely and also was in Sky High (she lives in that one, because it does everything right) and is the best thing about the movie. I want Hollywood to remake me barfing on this.

9. Wash, Serenity (2005) - It must suck to make it all the way through a TV series (Firefly) and most of its spin-off film, only to be unceremoniously impaled on a harpoon, but that's precisely what happens to Alan Tudyk's Wash three-fourths of the way into Serenity. It really shouldn't be a surprise, because Joss Whedon has an almost compulsive need to kill off his characters -- particularly the ones fans like -- but the suddenness with which Wash's death occurs puts it on this list. Alan Tudyk should be harpooned in more movies.

10. Tracy Mills, Se7en - Because what's in the box? What's in the boooox??

11. John Baxter, Don't Look Now (1973) - Nicholas Roeg's offbeat horror movie dicks us around for two hours just so we can be surprised when Donald Sutherland is stabbed to death by a little person. At least he got to go out boning Julie Christie. For real, apparently.

12. Billy Costigan, The Departed (2006) - It probably wasn't a surprise to anyone who saw Infernal Affairs, but those of us unwilling to sit through a movie with subtitles (because learn English) couldn't have predicted what would follow Leonardo DiCaprio's line, "I am killing you." Irony! Irony and rats.

13. Ted Treffon, Burn After Reading (2008) - Sure, Bradd Pitt's Chad Feldheimer is a more obvious choice for this one, because he's a bigger star and his murder is more sudden. But seeing as gym owner Ted Treffon (the great Richard Jenkins) is the only sympathetic character in the Coen Brothers' movie, it's something of a surprise when he is brutally murdered with a hatchet by John Malkovich. Not cool, Teddy KGB. Flop the nut straight. Don't splash pot. I must break you. Oreos.

14. Jack Vincennes, L.A. Confidential (1997) - Another example where it's no so much the fact that the character is killed but more so the moment at which it happens. Kevin Spacey's final line to the newly-revealed bad guy is one of cinema's great "fuck yous." So is K-PAX.

15. Richard 'Dick' Brewer, Young Guns (1988) - Chuck Sheen is the first to die in Young Guns, presumably so he could go back to his trailer and inhale cocaine from atop a stack of dead hookers and older, leftover cocaine.

If you've got a good surprise character death that was left off this list, leave it in the comments below. Needless to say, spoilers. Let's ruin every movie for everyone!

Monday, September 20, 2010

F This Movie! - The Goonies

Patrick and Doug do the truffle shuffle, fight off an octopus (or do they?) and take a ride up Troy's bucket while following One-Eyed Willy's rich stuff map towards this f'ing of the beloved 1985 adventure movie The Goonies. Because down here it's our time. Our time.




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Friday, September 17, 2010

More F This Movie! Art

More F This Movie! art, once again courtesy of Starfish creator Miguel Angel Sanchez and this time featuring the whole crew. Awesome.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

F This Movie! - Funny People

Patrick and Doug F Judd Apatow's overly ambitious 2009 comedy-drama Funny People by listener request, only to ironically discover that neither one of them is a funny person.



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Also discussed this episode: Gran Torino (2008), Open Water 2: Adrift (2006), Angel of Death (2009), Sugar Hill (1974)

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

F These Movies Directed by Actors


Lots of actors have gone on to become prolific full-time directors: Clint Eastwood, Ron Howard, Robert Redford and Zach Braff to name a few (just kidding, Zach Braff. Garden State doesn't count). With the Ben Affleck-directed The Town opening this weekend (which looks great), it's time to F these movies directed by actors. Double threat!

1. Night of the Hunter (1955; dir. Charles Laughton) - Witness for the Prosecution star Laughton directed exactly one movie, and it just happens to be an all-time classic about Robert Mitchum terrorizing children with his knuckle tattoos. Laughton knew both when to hold them and when to fold them.

2. That Thing You Do! (1996; dir. Tom Hanks) - Turner and Hooch star Tom Hanks directed exactly one movie, and it just happens to be an all-time classic about fictional '60s rock band The Wonders (The One-ders) and their rise to the top. One of the best movies ever made, with a sly sense of humor, a pitch-perfect ear for dialogue, fantastic (and accurate) pop music and Liv Tyler at her most insanely loveable. Watching this movie on an endless loop wouldn't be such a bad way to go.

3. The Postman (1997; dir. Kevin Costner) - You made Mrs. March feel like she could see again. You made Ford believe he was part of something. You give out hope like it was candy in your pocket.

4. Keeping the Faith (2000; dir. Edward Norton) - Ben Stiller is a rabbi and Edward Norton is a priest and both are in a love triangle with Jenna Elfman, who is in a movie. Great job, Edward Norton.

5. Wisdom (1986; dir. Emilio Estevez) - While his brat pack buddies were still living out high school or making sex tapes with girls still in high school, Emilio Estevez was taking the path of Orson Welles, writing, directing and starring in this folk tale about a kid who goes on a crime spree, robbing banks to pay down the debts of poor farmers. Don't let the fact that the main character's name is John Wisdom make you hate this movie. Hate it for many other reasons, like the "twist" ending that pees in your face. Estevez would go on to make better, more noble failures like The War at Home and Bobby.

6. Truth or Consequences, N.M. (1997; dir. Kiefer Sutherland) - This is the movie you direct when your life is ruled by drugs and alchohol.

7. Whip It (2009; dir. Drew Barrymore) - A formulaic roller derby movie (I know; another one?) that's bolstered by good performances and actors that totally commit to the material. Overlong and predicatable, but sweet and heartfelt -- it feels exactly like what you'd expect a movie directed by Drew Barrymore would feel like. Plus, Zoe Bell is in it, making it required viewing for anyone with a face.

8. Ghost Dad (1990; dir. Sidney Poitier) - Sidney Poitier broke down racial barriers in the 1960s presumably so he could one day direct Ghost Dad. What do you suppose the movie is about?

9. Super Sucker (2002; dir. Jeff Daniels) - Jeff Daniels writes, directs and stars in a movie about a salesman that sells vacuums that double as sex toys. Jeff Daniels writes, directs and stars in a movie about a salesman that sells vacuums that double as sex toys.

10. Citizen Kane (1941; dir. Orson Welles) - Never heard of it. Sounds boring.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

F This Movie! Fan Art

Thanks to F This Movie! listener Miguel Angel Sanchez for creating sweet fan art. Everyone read his comic book Starfish.

Anyone else thinking of creating fan art (you know you've been wanting to): the bar has been raised.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

F These Video Game Movies

This weekend sees the release of only one major studio film: Resident Evil: Afterlife, the fourth (fourth!) in the series of movies based on the Resident Evil videogame. Because when something is the worst, there should be more of it. That's how come there's Applebee's.

Let's F some video game movies. Spoiler: they all suck bad.

1. Street Fighter (1994) - Not the badass Sonny Chiba movie, but a Jean-Claude Van Damme vehicle based on the video games of the same name. Die Hard screenwriter Steven E. DeSouza "directs" this ugly, stupid imitation of a movie. This was Raul Julia's last film, which is maybe the most embarrassing final credit since Orson Welles bit it after playing the voice of Unicron in Transformers: The Movie. This thing made almost $100 million at the box office, because we're fucked.

2. Doom (2005) - Is the point of making video games into movies to make the movies as much like video games as possible? I thought that was the point of video games. Fuck this movie up its stupid ass.

3. Super Mario Bros. (1993) - Bob Hoskins IS Mario. John Leguizamo IS Luigi. British and Hispanic makes Italian. This movie has kind of a cult following, because parts of it are sort of dark and imaginative. Don't be fooled, though. It's mostly the worst. Dennis Hopper's portrayal of King Koopa is what ultimately killed him.

4. BloodRayne (2005) - Any of Uwe Boll's "movies" could go on this list, but BloodRayne is especially hilarious thanks to Michael Madsen and Meat Loaf and every single person in this barf. Also, it quickly ended the movie career of Kristanna Loken, which is also very funny.

5. Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009) - Because Chris Klein as Nash.

6. Hitman (2007) - I want to make fun of this movie so badly, but I'm getting bored just thinking about how bored I am. Timothy Olyphant bald tattoo head naked Olga Kurylenko confusing this with Max Payne.

7. Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010) - The best movie about time sand ever made. Also the worst.

8. Double Dragon (1994) - Somehow manages to be worse than Super Mario Bros., because Never Forget.

9. Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001) - Someone decided to make a Lara Croft movie because they could cast Angelina Jolie as the big boob'd heroine. That was a good idea. It was the only idea anyone had, because this movie is death.

10. Mortal Kombat (1995) - Paul W.S. Anderson has a terrible reputation as a filmmaker, and shit movies like this one (which is about people fighting) are the reason why. Incidentally, he's also responsible for Resident Evil: Afterlife, so the suck has come full circle.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

F This Movie! - Bull Durham

Patrick and Alex think about baseball while F'ing Bull Durham, sports movies, sports, movies, movies and sports.



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Also discussed this episode: Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010), Get Low (2010), Machete (2010), Going the Distance (2010), Back to the Future (1985)

Thursday, September 2, 2010

F These Exploitation Movies

Robert Rodriguez's Grindhouse-trailer-turned-movie Machete hits theaters this weekend to remind us all exactly which Mexicans we should and should not fuck with. In its honor, let us F some genuine (not imitation) exploitation movies.

1. The Last House on the Left (1972) - Wes Craven remakes The Virgin Spring but adds way more horrible rape and murder and David Hess. Seriously hard to watch at times. You know what this movie needed? A Hollywood remake.

2. Switchblade Sisters (1975) - I wanted to put Coffy on this list, because that movie is incredible. Instead, here's another Jack Hill movie that totally kicks dick. So many badass chicks in one movie. AKA The Jezebels.

3. Vice Squad (1982) - Season Hubley plays a hooker. MTV VJ Nina Blackwood gets beaten to death. Wings f'ing Hauser plays a sadistic pimp and sings/barfs the movie's theme song, "Neon Slime." This is Cannon in its heyday.

4. Ilsa: She-Wolf of the S.S. (1975) - Horrible violence and gratuitous sex all in the name of the Third Reich. So, like, tasteful.

5. Death Race 2000 (1975) - One of the most awesome movies ever made. Paul Bartel directs David Carradine, Sylvester Stallone, Mary Woronov and Martin Kove in a movie that's violent and funny and colorful and cartoonish. Genuinely brilliant. You know what this movie needed? A Hollywood remake.

6. Chained Heat (1983) - Not the best women in prison movie (that would be Jonathan Demme's Caged Heat), but it still has naked Linda Blair and naked Sybil Danning and John "0.0" Vernon playing the evil warden. Not really good trash. Just trash.

7. H.O.T.S. (1979) - Because strip football bear in a hot air balloon Danny Bonaduce fucks a seal.

8. Turkey Shoot (1982) - A great example of Australian exploitation (Ozploitation) directed by the great Brian Trenchard-Smith. A crazy futuristic prison movie with Steven Railsback and a hairy wolf guy. AKA Escape 2000.

9. Nightmare City (1983) - Mostly terrible Umberto Lenzi zombie movie has a few bright spots, including an undead raid on a TV station and a climax at an amusement park that predates Zombieland. Plus, a woman gets her boob bitten off because the movie is Italian.

10. I Spit On Your Grave! (1978) - AKA Day of the Woman. The ultimate in sleazy rape-revenge movies, here's a film that unintentionally transgressive and, if you can get past the nastiness (which isn't easy), ahead of its time. You know what this movie needs? A Hollywood remake.