Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Drunk on Foolish Pleasures: Deliciously Bad

Try, gentle readers, on this coldest of days, to warm your hands and hearts by the fiery glow of my snark. Here is my personal collection of "movie badness" from 2013 -- some of these-- plot points, performances, casting choices, what have you -- were so bad, they were thrilling.

It is hinted, and not in a subtle fashion, that Professor Marvel once had a torrid affair with Auntie Em. Because the heart wants what it wants – and what Marvel’s heart wants is a dusty, pinch-faced Kansas farm wife. -- Oz the Great and Powerful.
It literally rains blood. I contemplate literally going home. -- Evil Dead

Sean Penn chews the scenery. -- Gangster Squad

Screen Actor’s Guild® Nominee Richard Gere runs a company selling an MP3 player that looks like a sex doll, then wonders why he can’t stop young men from mangling their penises trying to have sex with it. -- Movie 43

Steve Buscemi merely looks bored, but is probably thinking either “has my check cleared?” or “didn’t I direct the ‘Pine Barrens’ episode of The Sopranos?” -- The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

I wanted interesting, thought-provoking theories about Stanley Kubrick's The Shining. I got the Trail of Tears, a faked moon landing, and a stapler-boner. -- Room 237
The last twenty minutes turns the whole movie into a bad shaggy dog story. -- A Place Beyond The Pines

Some reviewers called this a devastating critique of American masculinity. I call it a grim, ugly portrayal of what Michael Bay thinks about any man who is not Michael Bay. -- Pain & Gain

I choose not to see this film in 3-D. It still gave me a headache. -- The Great Gatsby

The film’s portrays the internet as the scary place my nana warns me about. -- Disconnect

Forget about Zod -- our hero is nearly knocked off the screen by giant product placements for Sears and 7-11. -- Man of Steel
Every single unpleasant minute. -- Shadow Dancer

Jesse Eisenberg and Isla Fisher play world-famous magicians. Eisenberg simply recycles his Zuckerberg from The Social Network; Fisher looks lost. It is as if she learned her lines phonetically. -- Now You See Me

The year's most incomprehensible car chase… on the White House lawn! -- White House Down

The Lone Ranger’s head is literally dragged through shit; I wish it were Gore Verbinski's head for shitting on one of my childhood heroes. -- The Lone Ranger

Real human Maya Rudolph appears with a cast of cartoonish automatons. -- The Way Way Back
The film cannot decide what era it is actually set in. -- The Way Way Back

Steve Carell tries, fails to trade his usual “sweet mope” for “angry douche.” -- The Way Way Back

Ninety minutes of my life I will never get back. -- The Way Way Back

Lili Taylor is possessed and the eerie, subtle first half of the movie goes right out the window. -- The Conjuring

The obvious, disingenuous, and calculated structure of the film actually has me rooting for the killer whales. -- Blackfish

That’s not male bonding – that’s just Wahlberg and Washington shooting each other in the soft part of the leg. -- 2 Guns

One of the least sexy stripteases in the history of the movies. -- We're The Millers

Ninety minutes about the making of Deep Throat, and we never get to see Seyfried blow anyone? What a gyp.  -- Lovelace

Wholesale slaughter of police officers? Hi-larious! -- Kick Ass 2

Worst fake beard of the year, Ashton Kutcher.
Runner-up? Josh Gadd. -- Jobs

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger exchange leaden insults. -- Escape Plan

Sylvester Stallone and Robert DeNiro exchange leaden insults. -- Grudge Match

Being moved by Jared Leto’s surprising performance in this supposedly-true movie – then finding out that his character never actually existed. -- Dallas Buyer's Club

Steve Carell and Kristen Wiig mercilessly mock the mentally challenged… ironically, the intended audience for the film itself. -- Anchorman 2

Twenty minutes into Anchorman 2, I realize that I have no desire to see Anchorman 2. -- Anchorman 2

Emma Thompson's P.L. Travers is moved to tears by the finished film adaptation of her book, Mary Poppins, because it reminds her of her dead father -- not because she despised the film, which is the real story. -- Saving Mr. Banks
Do all of you secretly harbor a treasure trove of movie badness, gentle readers? Post them below!


  1. Isn't it amazing how that Sears sign remains not only intact, but factory-fresh? It must be made of adamantium.

    You just saved me having to watch Lovelace.

    As a piece of revisionism, Saving Mr. Banks would make Stalin proud.

    Now I'll have to watch The Wizard of Oz to see if there are any secret glances between Em and Marvel in that last scene.

  2. Lois Lane: They say it all goes downhill after the [cinematically unearned] first kiss.
    S-is-for-Hope-Man: I think that only counts if you're kissing a human.

    Am I the only one who just threw up in my mouth?

    Very funny article JB!

    1. [Plinkett Voice] Oh my GAWWWWDDDD[/PV], I'd completely forgotten about that golden bit of dialogue. Patrick, as a counterpoint to your opinion that it would be silly to call MOS one of the year's worst movies, I offer that quote. And Lois' question about what to do if she has to "tinkle".

      And aye, JB, a fun read. All this dumping on The Way, Way Back somehow makes me more interested in checking it out...

  3. Fun column JB!

    White House Down - Channing Tatum takes out a bad guy by slamming him into a wall with a car and shooting him dozens of times with a machine gun. This was also a bad guy who had cancer.

    World War Z – Brad Pitt’s family struggle to stay on the ‘boat of safety’, the government hates them apparently

    All is Lost – Any time where the ocean is winning

    Don Jon – extreme close up on Julianne Moore near the end where she looks like a monster but we’re supposed to think she looks beautiful

    The Way Way Back – the kid can barely move, let alone breakdance

    Dealin with Idiots – The ‘we ran out of ideas, let’s end the movie’ ending

    Killing Season – sitting in loungers, listening to Johnny Cash (oh yeah, they were drinking Jaegermeister)

    Stories We Tell – Would Sarah Polley’s mom be thrilled her daughter made a movie branding her a slut?

    The Internship – The end where everyone loses out on the internship except Vaughn and Wilson’s team but it’s all good because they’re throwing pizza

    The Purge – the neighbors want to kill the family that is providing the security system that is protecting all of their houses

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. That Room 237 one really hit home for me. As for myself, I would submit:

    Apparently one of cinema's greatest villains went through a phase where she was compelled to show off her green cleavage- Oz the Great and Powerful

    The final five minutes of narration that "tie up the loose ends"- Iron Man 3

    Why exactly did these four magicians go along with this elaborate scheme?- NoW You See Me

    Biaggio does the same thing Brick Tamland does, but without the undefinable heart and soul- Kings of Summer

    Apparently Nick Offerman just had to be called an asshole enough times to appreciate his son- Kings of Summer

    An innocent blue collar telegraph wire worker is brutally slammed into the ground (and probably killed) thanks to a runaway train for no good reason- The Lone Ranger

    Why are there no philanthropists in the future?- Elysium

    Planes- Planes

    They might as well have made a stand alone Loki movie- Thor 2

    Rounding up the gang is excruciatingly unfunny- Anchorman 2

    Everything this movie is trying to say is on the cardboard stand in the lobby- The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

  6. I don't have a full list but my pick for Saivng Mr Banks would have to be when P.L. Travers doesn't just start tapping her foot to "Let's go Fly a Kite" but then proceeds to dance along with the Sherman brothers to the song. I actually generally liked that movie but that moment just made my eyes do 360's.