Drunk on Foolish Pleasures: Deliciously Bad

Try, gentle readers, on this coldest of days, to warm your hands and hearts by the fiery glow of my snark. Here is my personal collection of "movie badness" from 2013 -- some of these-- plot points, performances, casting choices, what have you -- were so bad, they were thrilling.

It is hinted, and not in a subtle fashion, that Professor Marvel once had a torrid affair with Auntie Em. Because the heart wants what it wants – and what Marvel’s heart wants is a dusty, pinch-faced Kansas farm wife. -- Oz the Great and Powerful.

It literally rains blood. I contemplate literally going home. -- Evil Dead

Sean Penn chews the scenery. -- Gangster Squad

Screen Actor’s Guild® Nominee Richard Gere runs a company selling an MP3 player that looks like a sex doll, then wonders why he can’t stop young men from mangling their penises trying to have sex with it. -- Movie 43

Steve Buscemi merely looks bored, but is probably thinking either “has my check cleared?” or “didn’t I direct the ‘Pine Barrens’ episode of The Sopranos?” -- The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

I wanted interesting, thought-provoking theories about Stanley Kubrick's The Shining. I got the Trail of Tears, a faked moon landing, and a stapler-boner. -- Room 237

The last twenty minutes turns the whole movie into a bad shaggy dog story. -- A Place Beyond The Pines

Some reviewers called this a devastating critique of American masculinity. I call it a grim, ugly portrayal of what Michael Bay thinks about any man who is not Michael Bay. -- Pain & Gain

I choose not to see this film in 3-D. It still gave me a headache. -- The Great Gatsby

The film’s portrays the internet as the scary place my nana warns me about. -- Disconnect

Forget about Zod -- our hero is nearly knocked off the screen by giant product placements for Sears and 7-11. -- Man of Steel

Every single unpleasant minute. -- Shadow Dancer

Jesse Eisenberg and Isla Fisher play world-famous magicians. Eisenberg simply recycles his Zuckerberg from The Social Network; Fisher looks lost. It is as if she learned her lines phonetically. -- Now You See Me

The year's most incomprehensible car chase… on the White House lawn! -- White House Down

The Lone Ranger’s head is literally dragged through shit; I wish it were Gore Verbinski's head for shitting on one of my childhood heroes. -- The Lone Ranger

Real human Maya Rudolph appears with a cast of cartoonish automatons. -- The Way Way Back

The film cannot decide what era it is actually set in. -- The Way Way Back

Steve Carell tries, fails to trade his usual “sweet mope” for “angry douche.” -- The Way Way Back

Ninety minutes of my life I will never get back. -- The Way Way Back

Lili Taylor is possessed and the eerie, subtle first half of the movie goes right out the window. -- The Conjuring

The obvious, disingenuous, and calculated structure of the film actually has me rooting for the killer whales. -- Blackfish

That’s not male bonding – that’s just Wahlberg and Washington shooting each other in the soft part of the leg. -- 2 Guns

One of the least sexy stripteases in the history of the movies. -- We're The Millers

Ninety minutes about the making of Deep Throat, and we never get to see Seyfried blow anyone? What a gyp.  -- Lovelace

Wholesale slaughter of police officers? Hi-larious! -- Kick Ass 2

Worst fake beard of the year, Ashton Kutcher.
Runner-up? Josh Gadd. -- Jobs

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger exchange leaden insults. -- Escape Plan

Sylvester Stallone and Robert DeNiro exchange leaden insults. -- Grudge Match

Being moved by Jared Leto’s surprising performance in this supposedly-true movie – then finding out that his character never actually existed. -- Dallas Buyer's Club

Steve Carell and Kristen Wiig mercilessly mock the mentally challenged… ironically, the intended audience for the film itself. -- Anchorman 2

Twenty minutes into Anchorman 2, I realize that I have no desire to see Anchorman 2. -- Anchorman 2

Emma Thompson's P.L. Travers is moved to tears by the finished film adaptation of her book, Mary Poppins, because it reminds her of her dead father -- not because she despised the film, which is the real story. -- Saving Mr. Banks

Do all of you secretly harbor a treasure trove of movie badness, gentle readers? Post them below!