Read Days 1-6 here, Days 7-13 here and Days 14-20 here
Inside the theater I was like a bum just wandering around, hoping to find some magic theater with a display that struck my fancy. Every corner I turned was Transformers this or Tammy that or How to Train Your Dragon 2. Ain’t nobody got time for dat.
I walked into Begin Again for a few minutes but was like “I’m sure I’ll need this later this month…I shouldn’t watch half of it now.” Plus, there was no one in the theater and for some reason that freaked me out like all of a sudden the theater would chant “PERSON ALERT” and the movie authorities would come in and whisk me away because they knew I was theater hopping.
Lucky for me, Snowpiercer was about to start so I saw that again even though I’ve seen it twice already. It’s very re-watchable. I’m unoriginal but I know what I like and I like Snowpiercer. More Kronole!
This just goes to show you how DESPERATE I am to find anything to watch on some nights. Man, I can’t wait for this month to be over. I may never go to the movies again. Note: I played two races on the Fast and the Furious arcade game in the lobby. Because RIP Brian O’ Connor.
Movie: Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (D-Box)
I chose seeing Dawn of the Planet of the Apes AGAIN because that’s all I can do at this point -- see movies AGAIN. It stinks. I just want to see something new and good. Hollywood should look into releasing seven new movies a week for people like me. It would have been so clutch if they did that this month.
I saw Apes in the DBOX motion seats (or Kobox as Patrick called them via text). It cost $18, which sucks but it’s ok -- I got change to throw. The seat seemed bored and indifferent...or maybe it internalized how I feel. It’s probably that. After a while every motion felt the same whether I was swinging with the apes or getting pushed to the ground like Jason Clarke does in that movie. When you’re sitting in a motion seat for Apes, you notice quickly how often people get pushed to the ground in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. The only time the seat didn’t feel bland was when there was gunfire. That was anything but bland. It was like someone was rapid farting on your back. I paid extra for this? Smart move, Riske. Smart move. P.S. DBOX makes you into a Pissbox. I had to get up three times.
Note: Before the movie, the Muvico theater chain decided to close the box office so I had to use the automated ticket machine. Normally I like this because I can avoid lines, but this machine was so terrible. It took me literally five or more minutes to choose a movie, select a seat and pay. Every time I pressed the square to pick out a seat it would do nothing. I looked like an ape just pressing buttons randomly. When I succeeded, I clapped my hands and blew a raspberry at it.
I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. It feels like the right thing to do to quit at this point. When I think of sticking this out for nine more days it makes me sick to my stomach. I want life back. I don’t want to wait until August. BTW…what am I going to say on my date on Thursday when the girl asks what I’ve been up to lately? Should I tell her about this? Probably not. I’m all balding and fat (have I mentioned that I stopped exercising since this challenge began?) and seeing fucking movies for 31 straight days is probably not going to help my cause. I gotta clean my apartment, I’m eating popcorn for dinner, I’m depressed at work because I have to go to a movie every night but I can’t quit because people are telling me to stick it out….and I know this writing is pretty good and I don’t want to let them down and blah diddeee blah blah blah diddeee dooo…I have never wanted to drink more than I have this month.
Movies: Begin Again
I keep looking at the movie showtimes hoping that the movies will magically change. They never do. They never DO. So I’m going to see Begin Again AGAIN because it’s poetic to this challenge. I almost quit, so I have to begin again. It means symbolism or something. Btw is it just me or does Hailee Steinfeld have a little Zuniga/Justine Bateman thing going?
I’m so tired of the refreshments at movie theaters. Why can’t they have spaghetti instead? The theater was mostly empty but that didn’t stop two fuckwads from ruining the experience. They were chatting all through the previews so I was on full alert that they might be a problem. Then when those stupid AMC Theaters Dots came on-screen, the guy went “Hmmmmm….” Why would you ever have to “Hmmmmmm” the AMC DOTS?????!!!!!! What is interesting or curious about them? I hate this guy. He is not AMC Amazing. These are the nights I hate most about this challenge. It’s a work night, I’m at a late show and people are treating the auditorium like it’s their living room.
And if I see that goddamn Get on Up trailer one more time I will never watch Rocky IV again.
The date ended with an ass-out hug so we’ll probably never see each other again. Don’t despair. It was a conscious uncoupling.
We saw the preview of The Hundred Foot Journey again because of course the crowd for Lucy cares about THAT movie. They should retitle it Bitchy Woman Eats Omelet. We also saw the trailer for Fifty Shades of Grey which I turned to Jan and told her was a lot like my life. The preview got a fair amount of uncomfortable laughter in my theater. Dakota Johnson’s stardom is dependent on how we react to her orgasms. Good luck with that, Daughter of Griffith.
Lucy was a solid pick-me-up. As you can read in my review, I had a good time and those are in short supply this month so consider day 24 to be a win.
Movies: Magic in the Moonlight
Woody Allen movie. There is not a dry diaper in the house. Magic in the Moonlight was not bad Woody Allen, but not great either. It falls somewhere in the middle. I thought it was cute and amusing with strong lead performances from Colin Firth and Emma (Emmer, because Firth is British) Stone, though it’s weird to see them as a romantic pair especially after she hit her head so hard in The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Remember when that movie came out? It feels like a billion years ago.
BTW, one thing I noticed about seeing movies for a month straight is that everything feels like it’s been out for a really long time. Like, Transformers came out four weeks ago but feels to me like it’s been at the theaters for seven years. You lose all track of time by going to a movie every day. July has felt so long, which is cruel because I just want it to be Scary Movie Month already. I’m a Fall man myself. You can have your Summer. I don’t need beaches and fireworks and hot dog barbecues to be happy with my life.
But getting back to Magic in the Moonlight, I have to tell you about two old women who were talking in the theater. In the movie there’s an exchange where one character says “Only G-D will forgive you” and the other person says “But you don’t believe in G-D.” Without skipping a beat, one of the old women in the audience turns to her friend and says “she won’t be forgiven”. This is why G-D made home theaters. In fact, I’m convinced there was never a golden age of moviegoing where people didn’t talk or act stupid. I think that’s an illusion we all made up.
Movies: Hercules, Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
Then I went with JB to the old Portage Theater Monster Show, but this time it was not at the Portage (which has re-opened, #MyDumpTheatreIsBack!!!) but instead in an auditorium at a nearby high school. And the experience of watching movies on a digital projector in a high school auditorium is just what you think it will be like – depressing. I only stayed for one movie, Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster, because I didn’t want to be there. I know I sound like a jerk here but seriously, it felt poor. I wanted to get out of there as soon as I got in there. It’s day 26, yo! No compromises! How was the movie? I don’t know. I fell asleep. I didn’t even see the monsters fight at the end.
Movies: Big Trouble in Little China
Aliens. AND THE MOVIE WAS IN THE SMALL THEATER. AGGRRRGGGGHHHH! You know what though? The small theater actually kind of worked out this time. Instead of being in the main auditorium at the Music Box, which seats 700, the audience and I instead were in a sold out 100 seat or so theater enjoying a cult movie together at midnight. Everyone was in a great mood and the experience was a blast, with people sounding out the movie when the sound went down for a minute and laughing at just about all of Kurt Russell’s kick-ass line deliveries. I go back and forth on the movie itself. I loved it the first time I saw it. Didn’t like it at all the second time I saw it and, this being the tie-breaker, I thought it was OK. It’s a fun “let’s go everyone!” adventure but I think it gets kind of tedious after a while. What do you all think?
So, week 4 was up and down, just like each of the other weeks. As I see the finish line, something surprising is happening to me. I’m getting a little sad it’s almost over. What is wrong with me? It’s like in Swingers, where Ron Livingston says you almost miss the pain because you’ve lived with it for so long.
Tune in next week as I’ll discuss Guardians of the Galaxy, recap my month at the movies (with bullet points!) and look ahead to where my life will lead going forward.