Thursday, October 24, 2019

Reserved Seating: Our Dream Horror Convention Guests

by Adam Riske and Rob DiCristino
The review duo who feel empty after paying for photo ops.

Adam: Welcome to Reserved Seating. I’m Adam Riske.

Rob: And I’m Rob DiCristino.
Adam: This week we decided to do something fun and each select ten celebrities from horror movies (still living) that we would like to meet if they were at a horror convention. Leave your picks in the comments below. These can either be celebrities who do horror conventions or never have and probably never will. I’ll go first (in alphabetical order):

• Angela Bettis - I’m curious how she is in real life. If she seems sad, I’d ask her if she’s ok.

• Candace Hilligoss - She’s the go-to for all my questions about Carnival of Souls (my favorite horror movie most days).
• Frank Darabont - His work in horror is iconic, but I know I would want to talk about The Majestic if I met him.

• Jocelin Donahue - She seems so nice. I’d probably ask her a nerdy acting question because I’m interested in the mechanics of it all and her performance is mostly non-verbal for long stretches of The House of the Devil.

• Ken Foree - I would 100 percent ask him about the cooking scene in From Beyond. I would also get a photo op with him so he could hold my shoulders in front of the camera and be like “Look at yourself! LOOK AT YOURSELF!” like he did with Barbara Crampton in that movie.

• Rob & Sheri Moon Zombie - I’d want to get a photo op with this duo more than autographs. They’re adorable. If there’s a tattoo artist on-site at the con, I would suggest we all get one together.

• Sam Neill - He seems like such a solid, classy dude. I’d probably follow him around like Tim followed Alan Grant. I would tell him I own The Dish on DVD and see if it impresses him.
• Ted Levine - I’d tell him he’s my hero and be very tempted to do my Ted Levine impression for him to see if he likes it.

• Thomas Jane - I’d ask him for lessons on how to be as awesome as Thomas Jane and wear a sleeveless Punisher tee to show my support that he’s the real Punisher.

• Vera Farmiga - I’d faint and then when I woke up, I would ask her about Orphan.

• David Lynch: I don’t know if he’s ever done a convention (much less one with a ComicCon-esque “celebrity zoo” type setup), but he would be at the top of my list. I’d probably ask him a few filmmaking questions, and maybe a bit about his time in Philadelphia (which apparently inspired Eraserhead), but I’d be more interested in asking him philosophical questions like:

o Do you ever eat just one Pop-Tart, or do you always eat both in the pack?
o Do you use product in your hair, or does it just stand up like that?
o Why does the color yellow make me sneeze?
o What is the correct position to sleep in? I’m 33 and I still feel like I’m sleeping wrong.
o How many times are you supposed to dip the tea bag?
o What happens to us when we die?

• Anthony Heald: I’d have a lot of Silence of the Lambs-related questions, for sure, but I’d also like to ask him about his time making Boston Public. He played a very sympathetic character on that show (much different than the sniveling Dr. Chilton), which may have been the first time I realized an actor can have more than one flavor. I’d also like to know what Jodie Foster smells like. Not in a weird way.

• Alice Krige: She gives my favorite performance in Silent Hill, and I’d love to ask her what inspired it. I’d also love to know how she feels about her character’s death scene. I’ll bet she’s...split...on it.
• Naomi Watts: I know she’s a rich and famous actor for whom I shouldn’t necessarily feel “sympathy,” but I’d still be compelled to tell her how amazing she is in Mulholland Drive and how she totally deserved better roles afterwards. I’d also ask her to yell “Fuckabees!” at someone passing by. I’d pay extra for that.

• Nick Frost: I’d be the asshole who asks him to record an obscene voicemail greeting as Ed from Shaun of the Dead. He seems nice enough to do it.

• Tom Atkins: Inspired by Adam’s celebration of his performance in Halloween III: Season of the Witch, I’d ask a few general questions about manliness, facial hair maintenance, and how to cultivate an imposing musk that doesn’t put the ladies off. Basic stuff like that. I’d also ask him to teach me how to throw a punch.

• Masami Ueda, Shusaku Uchiyama, and Syun Nishigaki: I’d buy the original Resident Evil 2 soundtrack on vinyl and ask them to sign it. I’d tell them about how I used to turn the game on just so I could hear the music, especially the “First Floor Police Station” theme. I was lonely. And bad at video games.

• Allison Williams and Logan Browning: No table. No questions. I’d just set up a stage so they can play the cello in the background. Not enough horror cons have house music.
• Chigumi Obayashi: Daughter of Hausu director Nobuhiko Obayashi, her imagination was apparently the impetus behind much of the film’s weirder moments. I’d give her a big hug and ask her to draw a clock.

• Lorraine Gary: I’d love to talk to the Jaws matriarch about her memories of Roy Scheider, her weirdest fan interactions, and why everyone was so horny on the set of Jaws: The Revenge.

Adam: Interesting picks. I’d pay money to attend a Jaws: The Revenge panel.

Rob: Your turn! Leave which living celebrities you would most like to meet at a horror convention in the comments. If you’ve met any of the people Adam or I have on our list, how were they in-person? Until next time…

Adam: These seats are reserved.


  1. These lists are great! I am happy to brag that I got to meet Thomas Jane (who I concur is the real Punisher forever and always) when I was working at a little AM radio station in Aurora. He was in a movie called The Tripper in 2006, directed by David Arquette and co-starring Lukas Haas. All three of them attended a screening of the movie at Hollywood Boulevard in Woodridge, and I got to introduce them and briefly interview them for the station. Lukas was the most down to earth, as I recall; Tom Jane mostly gave terse responses and spent a lot of time outside smoking. But it was a fun time!

  2. Ken Foree was at Flashback Weekend a few years ago. He was the Dad on Keenan & Kel.

    1. I always regret not going to meet him. Next time.