by Adam Riske and Rob DiCristino
Adam: Welcome to Reserved Seating. I’m Adam Riske.
Rob: And I’m Rob DiCristino.
Rob, your first F, Marry, Kill is:
The Conjuring 2, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, and Wes Craven’s New Nightmare
Rob: I’m going to F Wes Craven’s New Nightmare because it’s a solid dry run for Scream, a much better movie. I’m going to marry The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 because I love when sequels go all meta and screw around with the original. I’m going to kill The Conjuring 2 because — and here goes any and all horror cred I may have acquired in my tenure at F This Movie! — I just don’t like the Conjuring-verse. I don’t think they’re poorly made or offensive. I don’t think the people who made them are bad. They’re just not my bag. I’m really sorry, everyone. I like Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga! I do! I’m just not a Conjuring guy.
Ok, Adam. F, Marry, Kill:
Gremlins 2: The New Batch, Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies, and Blade 2.Wishmaster fan has become taxing at times and I want to let my fans out there know that I’m ride or die for the original but you probably like the sequels more than I do. I feel like I just let a lot of people down.
Rob: To be clear, I don’t think I’ve ever heard you speak fondly about the sequels. I’m pretty sure we watched Wishmaster 2 together and both found it pretty forgettable. I honestly get angry at the fact that there even are sequels because each one sullies the original.
Adam: There’s no way to sully the original. It’s like Jaws in that way. Rob, your next one is:
Friday the 13th Part 2, Final Destination 3, and The Devil’s RejectsThe Lords of Salem and Halloween 2. So, F feels right for The Devil’s Rejects. I’m going to kill Final Destination 3 because I’ve never seen it. I’m going to marry Friday the 13th Part 2 because it’s in my top five for that series and because I like Halloween: H20, also directed by Steve Miner.
F, Marry, Kill: Piranha 3DD, Pet Sematary 2, and Blair Witch (2016).
Adam: Are you mad at me?
Rob: I’m just trying to add a little variety!
Adam: I’ll Marry Pet Sematary 2 (which is a bizarre thing to type) because I’m oddly drawn to that mean-spirited, evil, extremely unpleasant movie. I’ll F Blair Witch. I haven’t seen it since an opening night double feature with Snowden and I was really disappointed by Blair Witch that night but I do see myself giving it another chance at some point. I’ll Kill Piranha 3DD. I haven’t seen that one but it’s directed by John Gulager, who made Feast and I was barely able to get through that movie which is the main reason I never bothered with Piranha 3DD despite liking the 2010 Piranha.
F, Marry, Kill: Bride of Chucky, Psycho II, and The Purge: Election Year
Rob: Oh, man. This is tough. I like all of these movies. Ok, I’m going to kill The Purge: Election Year. It might be my favorite Purge, but it’s the most straightforward in the series, which makes it stand out in a bad way in this lot. I’m going to F Bride of Chucky because, while it’s weird and awesome, it’s definitely a viscerally fun experience more than a lasting one. Psycho II is a legitimately strong and interesting sequel that’s one bad twist away from being a real masterpiece. I’m marrying that one.
F, Marry, Kill: Saw III, Halloween (2018), and Day of the Dead.
Adam: These are all movies I’ve only seen once for one reason or another, so it’s a tough one. I’ll Marry Halloween (2018) because for the 11th Halloween film, it’s really strong even though it does that side-quel thing I’m not too crazy about. I’ll F Saw III despite it not being one of my favorites of that franchise. I remember feeling bad about myself after seeing it, like what does it say about me that I went to go see a movie like this. I’ve gotten over that kind of snobbery in the subsequent years thankfully. I’ll Kill Day of the Dead (sorry, everyone). I think that movie is boring, but I’m afraid to say that out loud around horror fans. I love Night of the Living Dead and Dawn of the Dead, but Day has always been one whose reputation confused me.
Your next one is:
It: Chapter Two, Creepshow II, and Scream 4
Rob: Killing It: Chapter Two because I never got more than an hour into it. I’m sorry, everyone. I don’t find any incarnation of It to be all that interesting. I’m going to F Creepshow II because, like most people, I like “The Raft” and not much else about it. Marrying Scream 4 by default. I’m just going to come clean: I don’t like any of the Scream sequels. I get that Scream 2 is objectively good, and I get that 3 and 4 have their defenders. But not one of them really justifies its existence in the same way the first one does. Scream is lightning in a bottle. That’s just me. I get it. I’m sorry again, everyone.
F, Marry, Kill: Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, The Exorcist III, and Annabelle Comes Home.
Ok, your last one is:
Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II, and Jaws 2
Rob: Marrying Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen the original Prom Night, but I’ve seen its awesome sequel, and it rules. I’m going to F Jaws 2. We’ve chronicled our thoughts on the Jaws movies in the past, and I’ll maintain that there’s just enough angry, drunk Roy Scheider in Jaws 2 to justify a solid F. I’m killing Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare because I’m watching it while we write this and it’s fucking terrible. It’s one of those late-in-the-game sequels that tries to make the best of a convoluted series mythology and just fails miserably.
Last one. F, Marry, Kill: Doctor Sleep, Army of Darkness, and A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors.
Adam: Haha. I like Freddy’s Dead but that’s all nostalgia. Your last one is really good. I’ll Kill A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors. I really enjoy that movie but it’s my third favorite of the series (after the original and The Dream Child, don’t @ me). Army of Darkness is great but I peaked with that movie when I was in my early 20s. I have trouble going back to it because I loved it so much at a young age that it’s more checking boxes when I watch it now. So, that will be my F. I’ll marry Doctor Sleep because holy hell is that a fantastic movie. I think it should be in the conversation of best Stephen King adaptations.
This was fun! I’m going to need to fit in Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II before the month ends. Until next time...
Rob: These seats are reserved.