Tuesday, June 29, 2010

F This Movie! - The Wolfman (2010)

Patrick is demoted to padawan when joined by friend, mentor and Universal monster enthusiast John for a discussion of Joe Johnston's 2010 remake of The Wolfman, classic horror and the benefits of being a lunkhead.

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Also discussed this episode: The Killer Inside Me (2010), Breathless (1960), Toy Story 3 (2010), FernGully: The Last Rainforest (1992)

Thursday, June 17, 2010

F These Part 3 Movies

1. The Godfather Part III (1990) - Not as bad as some say, but not as good as its defenders would have you believe, either. Joe Mantegna and Andy Garcia and the helicopter ambush are all awesome, but this movie needed Robert Duvall (which is not something that can be said too often). For the last time, Sofia Coppola is not the problem here.

2. Spider-Man 3 (2007) - This could just as easily be any third entry in a comic book series (see also: X-Men: The Last Stand, Batman Forever, Blade Trinity), as it makes the mistake of heaping in more and more characters and story lines that studios decide fans want to see. There's never a question of whether or not we want to see them done well. There are still things to like about Spider-Man 3, but it's a looong way down after part 2 and easily the least rewatchable of the trilogy.

3. Look Who's Talking Now (1993) - Talking babies? Ha ha. Hilarious. Talking dogs? Fuck you, Hollywood.

4. Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985) - One of the strangest movies to ever receive a wide release from a major studio. Take away a lot of the stuff with the kids and this is a pretty sweet movie. It's too bad that it gave every douchebag in America license to make "two men enter, one man leaves" jokes.

5. M:I III (2006) - As much as I love Brian DePalma, that first Mission: Impossible movie was a total mess with some well-staged set pieces. J.J. Abrams' entry into the series (his first as a feature director) is the best, with kick-ass action stuff, actual stakes, a good villain and a focus on the team dynamic. There's a lot of stuff in here that actually subverts the usual action movie tropes. Ignore the Kanye West theme song.

6. Beverly Hills Cop III (1994) - I don't care that this is a shitty Eddie Murphy movie. You can't throw a rock in Blockbuster without hitting one of those. I don't even care that it's a shitty Beverly Hills Cop movie, because it's kind of overrated as a series anyway (yes, even the first one). What breaks my heart about this is that it's the worst, most boring movie John Landis has ever made. F this movie.

7. Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over (2003) - The first and clearest indication that Robert Rodriguez must be stopped from shooting movies in his backyard -- or, at least, should stop releasing those movies into theaters. While way ahead of the 3-D trend (and honoring a long tradition of "part 3s" being in 3-D, like Jaws 3-D and Friday the 13th Part 3 and Amityville 3-D), it's a terrible, ugly movie. I don't know if any of the actors spent a single day on the set together, and it shows. It's especially disappointing because Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams is actually kind of awesome.

8. Die Hard with a Vengeance (1994) - One guy, trapped in a single location, trying to bring down a group of well-armed bad guys? That's Die Hard. Two guys running around New York, bickering and trying to solve riddles? That's not Die Hard. That's Rush Hour, maybe. F this movie.

9. Day of the Dead (1985) - Another movie that suffers in comparison to its predecessor but is considerably better than its reputation would suggest. Rumor is that what Romero made was vastly different than what he had planned, since his budget was slashed after he insisted on releasing the movie without a rating. It's actually dated pretty well, and the gore effects remain some of the best of all time.

10. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993) - The Back to the Future III of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movies.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

F This Movie! - Signs

Patrick and Alex Lawson sit down to discuss the 2002 film Signs, marvel at writer/director M. Night Shyamalan's fall from grace and take the listeners by surprise when they reveal they've been dead all along.

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Also discussed this episode: The A-Team (2010), Please Give (2010)

Friday, June 11, 2010

F These TV Show Movies

The A-Team is now in theaters, making it a perfect time to go back and F some movies based on TV shows. These range from pretty great to not bad to I hate my life. Bring on the Moonlighting movie, please.

1. The Fugitive (1993) - Along with Brian DePalma's The Untouchables, this is widely considered the best TV show movie ever made. Some cool set pieces, lots of great Chicago locations, but kind of overrated. Tommy Lee Jones won an Oscar for doing the best Tommy Lee Jones impression. Like in a lot of his later work, Harrison Ford may or may not be constipated.

2. The Addams Family (1991) - The first of director Barry Sonnenfeld's three TV show movies, The Addams Family is a very well-made movie that's not very good. Raul Julia, Angelica Houston and a very young Christina Ricci are all awesome and so is the production design, but the script (involving an Uncle Fester imposter) is super lame. The 1993 sequel, Addams Family Values, is way better.

3. Bewitched (2005) - Nicole Kidman + Will Ferrell + Bewitched x Nora Ephron = barf. Ill conceived at every possible level.

4. The Avengers (1998) - Uma Thurman in a catsuit. Ralph Fiennes is British. There are guys in giant colorful teddy bear costumes being commanded by master villain Sean Connery, who wants to control the weather. Somehow, it all sucks bad.

5. The Mod Squad (1999) - Here's a TV show movie better than its reputation would suggest. It tries a little too hard to be hip and cool, but actually achieves it to some extent. Way more watchable than many of the movies on this list.

6. Miami Vice (2006) - Michael Mann's incredibly underrated take on his own super-'80s cop show deserves to be mentioned in the same sentence as The Fugitive and The Untouchables. Colin Farrell's cocaine-infused performance aside, it never insults your intelligence.

7. Lost in Space (1998) - A good cast and tons of legitimate remake potential are squandered by a terrible story, the girl from Party of Five and the most terrible fucking CGI creation ever committed to film, a mentally handicapped alien monkey/shameless toy tie-in named Blarp. Fucking Blarp. Anyone who says Jar-Jar Binks is the worst thing to every happen to sci-fi is a whining pussy who doesn't know Blarp. (In the future, when someone is complaining about a movie being terrible and you don't totally agree, feel free to say "You Don't Know Blarp." Let's make this shit catch on, countrymen.)

8. Starsky and Hutch (2004) - Todd Phillps pissed away most of his Old School with this unfunny and strangely lazy adapation of '70s cop show Starsky and Hutch, which tries to pay loving tribute to the show (courtesy of the most uncomfortable "celebrity" cameos ever) while at the same time making fun of it. Plus, Ben Stiller tends to ruin things.

9. Wild Wild West (1999) - Now now now once upon a time in the west, mad man lost his damn mind in the west. Fuck you, Will Smith. Fuck you, Barry Sonnenfeld. Fuck you, giant Branaghspider.

10. The Dukes of Hazzard (2005) - All that can be said about this piece of shit is that Jessica Simpson is the best thing in it.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

F These Hockey Movies

Yes, the Chicago Blackhawks are the 2010 Stanley Cup Champions. We can't F hockey, because it remains a frozen mystery. But we can F these movies with hockey in them.

F Slapshot. F Miracle. Those are too obvious. These are real hockey movies.

1. Sudden Death (1995) - Jean-Claude Van Damme stars a security guard in Die Hard-in-a-hockey rink, directed by Chicago's own Peter Hyams (which explains why one of teams featured in the film is the Blackhawks). So stupid. Van Damme just wants his kids back.

2. Clerks (1994) - Rooftop hockey. The scene features the only special effect in Clerks, in which producer Scott Mosier yells at Scott Mosier.

3. D2: The Mighty Ducks - There's no reason to choose this over the original Mighty Ducks except that the title makes no fucking sense. Remember that movie T2: The Terminator or P2: There Was No Movie Called P (Because What the Fuck is P2?)

4. Swingers (1996) - I'm gonna make Wayne Gretzky's head bleed for Superfan number 99 over here.

5. Friday the 13th Part 3 (1982) - Because hockey mask.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

F This Movie! - Showgirls

Patrick and Doug leave their inhibitions at the door and give crazy Dutch director Paul Verhoeven's 1995 scumploitation epic Showgirls the Full Spano.