Friday, June 13, 2014

Growing Up Nerdy

by Adam Thas and Mike Pomaro
To celebrate Friday the 13th day for Junesploitation, the Nerdy boys are taking a trip to a very special summer camp.

Adam: HEY THERE CAMPERS! Welcome, welcome each an every one of you to what we hope will be a GREAT summer.

My name is Adam and it is truly my honor to be your lead councilor here at Camp F This Movie!. We have so many great things planned for you over the next few weeks.

Let me get started by talking about some of the great activities that you can participate in here at Camp F This Movie!. Every morning, noon, and at 5:30 we will have meals served in the cafeteria. Now let’s be clear campers, one does not simply walk into the cafeteria. Anyone found there other than eating hours will be issued a demerit. This does however give me a good opportunity to introduce you to the first member of our staff, Adam Riske. Adam has been here a few years and is now our lead chef. We don’t really know what exactly Adam does there in the kitchen, but let me tell you, it must be some kind of Hocus Pocus, because the food is excellent!
Moving at Camp F This Movie!, we pride ourselves on being the best we can be, which is why you are all going to be issued a uniform. This year’s uniform is new! Yes, each an every one of you will be wearing a blue body suit and dressed like a Na’vi. The reason? Well, simply put, Patrick told us he wouldn’t work here otherwise.

These body suits and spears will do you good though as you work with one of our other counselors, Doug. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, those of you feeling brave enough can sign up for “Haverick Hunting” with Doug. We aren’t quite sure what a “Haverick” is, but Doug swears they are real and very elusive. You can also join Doug and Erich for canoeing -- just follow them on Twitter at #FakeCanoeing.

If I could turn your attention to the two lovely ladies off to my left, we have two of our camp counselors, Erika and Melissa. Some of you who are interested in exploring your sweet tooth can join Erika every evening for “Cooking with the Classics,” where Erika will find new ways to explore classic movies by creating movie-themed cookies. My personal favorites were the Boogie Nights sugar cookies. YUM. Our other lady Melissa is brand new to the camp, so we aren’t exactly sure what she’ll be doing.

Way in the back there, if you can see him, is JB. He is one of our senior counselors here at Camp F This Movie!. If you haven’t gotten a chance, every Friday you can join JB for a fun time building your own monster! That’s right -- grab a friend and sew some body parts together for a fun-filled evening. At the end of the camp we have a competition to see who built the best monster. Last year's winner was Julie Adams for her “creepy swimming guy.”

Joining us again this year is Patrick. Patrick is fine. You can stop by Patrick’s cabin at any time and join him while he watches a movie. His door is always open! Unfortunately, there are only two movies on a continuous loop: Kuffs and Avatar. If you don’t feel like sitting through those two movies, you can always join Patrick on the weekends for his more popular camp activities, “Let’s Make a Flux Capacitor” or “The Wonders of ZoĆ« Bell.”
If at any point during your stay here you need any help, you can contact Mark or Heath. Mark is our lead child safety manager but is really shitty at his job, so if you REALLY need help go with Heath. If either of those guys fail to help you out, you can always contact our groundskeeper Liam Neeson.

Lastly, I need to introduce my life partner, Mike. Mike, could you stand up, wave your hands around for everyone to see you? Mike is in charge of many things here at Camp F This Movie!, but you need look no further than Mike for what is probably our most popular class, "Ghost Hunting," -- or, as it’s listed in your program, “Ghost Protocol.” Also, as you look at your program it originally listed Mike’s activity “Hellboy 2” as cancelled, but Mike changed his mind and now it’s his favorite.

Of course, there is me. Girls. GIRLS! Please put your tops back on.

My job here is to make sure that you all have a great experience here at Camp F This Movie!, but most importantly I’m here to make it look like I have any idea what the fuck I’m talking about. That’s right -- I probably have no business being at this camp, but I’m here, so why not make the most of it?

And remember, here at Camp F This Movie! we hope that you have the very, very best time and have nothing but fond memories. And in a few years, when you look back on all the good times you have had, we will remind you they are all shit and name a derivation after it.

Mike: Adam and myself and Heath and Riske weren’t always camp counselors at Camp F This Movie!. We started out as campers. Here’s how it all began for us:
Adam and I arrived at Camp F This Movie! early one June morning. Adam had been to camp before, but this was my first time. I had no interest in leaving the comfort of my air conditioned home and my movie collection for six weeks, but Adam told me about this new camp with the word ‘Movie’ in its name. He said he came across it on the internet one afternoon and he thought it’d be right up my alley. This wasn’t a camp where we’d be practicing our archery or our back stroke all day. This was a camp owned and run by like-minded geeks. Lovers of all things movies, music and popular culture. This wasn’t your normal run-of-the-mill summer camp. This was to be our home.

Upon arriving at Camp FTM, we were greeted by the man in charge, Patrick. Patrick was tall, thin and with a beard and sporting a shirt that said something about Pandora. Unaware of Patrick’s love of all things Avatar, I assumed the Pandora on his shirt was for the free music app that I had on my phone. I figured Patrick and I would likely bond over our love of music -- probably the same bands even! I shook his hand, unaware that he would be making fun of the CDs I brought within an hour. Patrick welcomed us and directed us to one of his camp counselors, Doug.

Doug, tall and skinny like Patrick, minus any facial hair, showed Adam and I to our cabin. It was exactly what I expected: small, only four cots, no air conditioning and it smelled like dude. Adam sarcastically said that the room was a real beauty, to which Doug responded, to no one in particular and Rain Man-like, “Liv Tyler. Bares her breasts. Stealing Beauty.” I looked at Adam and he looked back at me, both confused. Doug exited without saying another word.
As Adam and myself settled into our new living space, our two roommates, Heath and Riske, emerged. We said our hellos and crashed on our uncomfortable beds to discuss what we thought was in store for us over the next month and a half. Heath, rocking a Godzilla shirt and the baddest mustache I’d ever seen, told us how he couldn’t wait to meet Mark Ahn, a counselor whom he heard shared his love of kung-fu movies. Problem was he couldn’t find Mark on the way in, and the other counselors seemed to be confused as to where Mark disappeared to. Riske, on the other hand, was quiet. Adam, Heath and I tried engaging Riske into conversation, but he did nothing but stare at his portable DVD player clutching a copy of Bed of Roses. Riske had plans, and the only one invited to join him was Christian fucking Slater.

After unpacking our duffle bags and helping Riske into bed with his movie, Heath, Adam and I went off to the cafeteria to meet up with everyone else. There we met a host of awesome people: We met Sol and Steve K. Brad L sat by us, along with Gabby. Albert Muller and a dude named David Banner. Myke, Joey Finn and JM. Mac McEntire and little Tommy Bartman. All great people that would become life long friends. The cafeteria was where I also met Angela. See, Adam and I made it our mission to hook up with someone while at camp. I called dibs on Angela when I first laid eyes on her. I would eventually get my shot with her, but things turned out…weird. I’ll save that for a future article.
The cafeteria was also where we met the rest of the counselors. There was JB, a man whose love of Universal Monster movies was matched only by his love of Darren Aronofsky. Melissa, who taught music, and the beautiful Erika (I think Patrick digs her. GOOD LUCK, DUDE) was our baking teacher. (On a side note, do not get Erika started on her favorite soundtracks.) I was also lucky enough to meet counselor Heather. She's so nice and she really encouraged me to check out Scream 4. She's so enthusiastic about must be great! And, of course, Mark Ahn should have been there as well, but he never showed up to the meet-and-greet and still no one seemed to know where he was. He must have been busy. I also got to talking with counselor Erich, whose love of The Exorcist matched mine. Problem was, every time we started to talk about it, Erich would cut off mid-sentence and disappear. Maybe one day we can piece an entire Exorcist conversation together.

Patrick stood before us all and gave a nice speech (although I could have sworn that somewhere in the middle of his welcome to us all, he made fun of me, but that doesn’t make sense. Patrick is too nice for that). Anyhow, Patrick told us that this was a safe environment. This was a place where we could share ideas and opinions and we didn’t have to worry about others mocking us for our interests. Camp F This Movie! was a safe haven for us nerds and we would all have a ball. With that, Doug mumbled something about Monster’s Ball, Halle Barry and her boobs, but I’m not sure what that was about.
This is the point in the story where you all expect me to talk about some grisly murders that began to occur or bodies that just disappeared. Well, Mark Ahn remains missing, but I’m not sure he was murdered. And sure, there were people that wanted to kill us lurking around the camp, but they never succeeded. Most of those machete wielding maniacs were fanboys unhappy with our opinions, but they were held off by the community we had at Camp F This Movie!. An army of smart, nice and accepting people that can talk one minute about how underrated Cloud Atlas is and the next second get equally as excited about Death Wish 3. WE were the unstoppable force at Camp F This Movie!, not the mask wearing fan boys.

After those magical six weeks making new friends and experiencing new things (I’ll never forget my first Haverick sighting), I’ve never been the same. So thank you, Camp F This Movie!, for welcoming us all into your kick ass community.

Seriously, should someone call the police about Mark Ahn? I’m starting to get worried.  


  1. Camp F this Movie! is my favorite camp, because unlike other camps (and regardless of what is implied by the word "camp"), it does not truck with that "outdoors" nonsense. In fact, the "outdoors" is actively discouraged - a place after my own heart!

  2. Camp F This Movie!
    "Where there is no such thing as a top bunk, so nobody gets pissed on."

  3. Proud to be a camper at Camp F This Movie! Thanks for the twitter-handle name-drop, you made my day. Now I have to be quiet...I'm hunting Havericks.

  4. Well, if there's anything I've learned from the description of Camp F This Movie!, it's that I need to seek out Stealing Beauty. Where do I sign up for more?! I think this Doug fellow and I would get along just fine.

  5. Ah the memories of Camp F This Movie! I remember how Patrick took me under his wing and convinced me I could win the big run during the camp games against that uppity Aint it Cool News campers, oh and I cant forget how Counselor JB helped me find out I had a secret twin that my parents never told me about and wow the TRAP we set up for our folks for that ooh boy. And dang who could forget that one summer when Patrick turned things into a weightloss camp and sold off the place to Ben Stiller, me and Adam had to be really careful sneaking the twinkies into camp then.

    I say we meet up again 10 years from now at exactly 930 sound good guys?

  6. I was reading this and thinking "GOD I WANT TO GO THERE SO BAD" (full disclosure: The Wonders of Zoe Bell and Hellboy 2 sealed the deal)...

    Only to find out I WAS there! Thanks for bringing me along, fellas!

    Seriously, this would be awesome. We all need to take over a camp somewhere and just go nuts. I don't think there would be any more than 3 fatalities, and that seems fair, right?

    1. I would most likely be one of the 3, if that would boost attendance.

  7. This is awesome - really captures the essence of all the amazing people here in such an interesting way - I'm just getting back from a somewhat rustic long weekend and can't wait to dive back into Junesploitation, but I'd pack up and go to this camp tomorrow!

    Mike, I'm dying to hear about your experience with Angela - we hooked up too but she'd only do oral. She was a real cocksmith - it was like she had been around penis her whole life.