by Adam Thas and Mike Pomaro
Adam: HEY THERE CAMPERS! Welcome, welcome each an every one of you to what we hope will be a GREAT summer.
My name is Adam and it is truly my honor to be your lead councilor here at Camp F This Movie!. We have so many great things planned for you over the next few weeks.
Let me get started by talking about some of the great activities that you can participate in here at Camp F This Movie!. Every morning, noon, and at 5:30 we will have meals served in the cafeteria. Now let’s be clear campers, one does not simply walk into the cafeteria. Anyone found there other than eating hours will be issued a demerit. This does however give me a good opportunity to introduce you to the first member of our staff, Adam Riske. Adam has been here a few years and is now our lead chef. We don’t really know what exactly Adam does there in the kitchen, but let me tell you, it must be some kind of Hocus Pocus, because the food is excellent!
These body suits and spears will do you good though as you work with one of our other counselors, Doug. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, those of you feeling brave enough can sign up for “Haverick Hunting” with Doug. We aren’t quite sure what a “Haverick” is, but Doug swears they are real and very elusive. You can also join Doug and Erich for canoeing -- just follow them on Twitter at #FakeCanoeing.
If I could turn your attention to the two lovely ladies off to my left, we have two of our camp counselors, Erika and Melissa. Some of you who are interested in exploring your sweet tooth can join Erika every evening for “Cooking with the Classics,” where Erika will find new ways to explore classic movies by creating movie-themed cookies. My personal favorites were the Boogie Nights sugar cookies. YUM. Our other lady Melissa is brand new to the camp, so we aren’t exactly sure what she’ll be doing.
Way in the back there, if you can see him, is JB. He is one of our senior counselors here at Camp F This Movie!. If you haven’t gotten a chance, every Friday you can join JB for a fun time building your own monster! That’s right -- grab a friend and sew some body parts together for a fun-filled evening. At the end of the camp we have a competition to see who built the best monster. Last year's winner was Julie Adams for her “creepy swimming guy.”
Joining us again this year is Patrick. Patrick is fine. You can stop by Patrick’s cabin at any time and join him while he watches a movie. His door is always open! Unfortunately, there are only two movies on a continuous loop: Kuffs and Avatar. If you don’t feel like sitting through those two movies, you can always join Patrick on the weekends for his more popular camp activities, “Let’s Make a Flux Capacitor” or “The Wonders of Zoë Bell.”
Lastly, I need to introduce my life partner, Mike. Mike, could you stand up, wave your hands around for everyone to see you? Mike is in charge of many things here at Camp F This Movie!, but you need look no further than Mike for what is probably our most popular class, "Ghost Hunting," -- or, as it’s listed in your program, “Ghost Protocol.” Also, as you look at your program it originally listed Mike’s activity “Hellboy 2” as cancelled, but Mike changed his mind and now it’s his favorite.
Of course, there is me. Girls. GIRLS! Please put your tops back on.
My job here is to make sure that you all have a great experience here at Camp F This Movie!, but most importantly I’m here to make it look like I have any idea what the fuck I’m talking about. That’s right -- I probably have no business being at this camp, but I’m here, so why not make the most of it?
And remember, here at Camp F This Movie! we hope that you have the very, very best time and have nothing but fond memories. And in a few years, when you look back on all the good times you have had, we will remind you they are all shit and name a derivation after it.
Mike: Adam and myself and Heath and Riske weren’t always camp counselors at Camp F This Movie!. We started out as campers. Here’s how it all began for us:
Adam and I arrived at Camp F This Movie! early one June morning. Adam had been to camp before, but this was my first time. I had no interest in leaving the comfort of my air conditioned home and my movie collection for six weeks, but Adam told me about this new camp with the word ‘Movie’ in its name. He said he came across it on the internet one afternoon and he thought it’d be right up my alley. This wasn’t a camp where we’d be practicing our archery or our back stroke all day. This was a camp owned and run by like-minded geeks. Lovers of all things movies, music and popular culture. This wasn’t your normal run-of-the-mill summer camp. This was to be our home.
Upon arriving at Camp FTM, we were greeted by the man in charge, Patrick. Patrick was tall, thin and with a beard and sporting a shirt that said something about Pandora. Unaware of Patrick’s love of all things Avatar, I assumed the Pandora on his shirt was for the free music app that I had on my phone. I figured Patrick and I would likely bond over our love of music -- probably the same bands even! I shook his hand, unaware that he would be making fun of the CDs I brought within an hour. Patrick welcomed us and directed us to one of his camp counselors, Doug.
Doug, tall and skinny like Patrick, minus any facial hair, showed Adam and I to our cabin. It was exactly what I expected: small, only four cots, no air conditioning and it smelled like dude. Adam sarcastically said that the room was a real beauty, to which Doug responded, to no one in particular and Rain Man-like, “Liv Tyler. Bares her breasts. Stealing Beauty.” I looked at Adam and he looked back at me, both confused. Doug exited without saying another word.
After unpacking our duffle bags and helping Riske into bed with his movie, Heath, Adam and I went off to the cafeteria to meet up with everyone else. There we met a host of awesome people: We met Sol and Steve K. Brad L sat by us, along with Gabby. Albert Muller and a dude named David Banner. Myke, Joey Finn and JM. Mac McEntire and little Tommy Bartman. All great people that would become life long friends. The cafeteria was where I also met Angela. See, Adam and I made it our mission to hook up with someone while at camp. I called dibs on Angela when I first laid eyes on her. I would eventually get my shot with her, but things turned out…weird. I’ll save that for a future article.
The Exorcist matched mine. Problem was, every time we started to talk about it, Erich would cut off mid-sentence and disappear. Maybe one day we can piece an entire Exorcist conversation together.
Patrick stood before us all and gave a nice speech (although I could have sworn that somewhere in the middle of his welcome to us all, he made fun of me, but that doesn’t make sense. Patrick is too nice for that). Anyhow, Patrick told us that this was a safe environment. This was a place where we could share ideas and opinions and we didn’t have to worry about others mocking us for our interests. Camp F This Movie! was a safe haven for us nerds and we would all have a ball. With that, Doug mumbled something about Monster’s Ball, Halle Barry and her boobs, but I’m not sure what that was about.
Death Wish 3. WE were the unstoppable force at Camp F This Movie!, not the mask wearing fan boys.
After those magical six weeks making new friends and experiencing new things (I’ll never forget my first Haverick sighting), I’ve never been the same. So thank you, Camp F This Movie!, for welcoming us all into your kick ass community.
Seriously, should someone call the police about Mark Ahn? I’m starting to get worried.