Tuesday, April 7, 2015

9 Worst Movies to Watch Right Before Your Wife Has a Baby

by Doug Schultz
Because IT'S HAPPENING!

My wife is about a week away from having our second kid. And, like any true, selfish cinephile, I'm using this "sit-and-wait" opportunity to watch movies. But even I know there are some films I should avoid before she goes into labor.

1. Alien (1979)



Great movie. Perfect on nearly any other occasion. But if you're squeamish at the thought of an alien creature violently protruding from an otherwise perfectly healthy human being's abdomen, skip it. And if your wife looks anything like John Hurt? Well then, you probably have bigger problems than chestbursters.

2. The Fly (1986)
I mean, childbirth (while BEAUTIFUL and PRECIOUS and BLAH-BLAH-BLAH) is gruesome enough. No one wants to actually see the fever dream that David Cronenberg (playing the gynecologist, of all things) whips up for Veronica Quaife (Geena Davis) as she gives birth to a grotesque maggot. Thankfully, nightmares end. This visual will probably stick with new dads for years to come.

3. Proxy (2013)
Patrick keeps recommending this movie to me (it's been available on Netflix since last summer). Then, moments later, remembering that my wife is pregnant, tells me, "Wait ... never mind." It's happened like five times now. He's also committed this ominous warning to print: "If you can make it through the first 10 minutes, you should be OK." I mean, WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? It's about childbirth, isn't it. ISN'T IT. So I still haven't seen it. Though I want to? Give me a few weeks. Although that poster ...

4. Rosemary's Baby (1968)



Rosemary's Baby is a piece of art (from a piece of shit), and a dreamy mindfuck to boot. But there really isn't a birth scene, per se. Rosemary (Mia Farrow) is drugged and tied to a bed by the Bramford Satanists. The evil Dr. Sapirstein (Ralph Bellamy) determines that she's actually in labor, after which she passes out. The birth supposedly takes place off camera, and, when Rosemary wakes up, she's initially told that everything's fine. After sleeping some more, the doctor returns and harshly informs Rosemary that the baby died shortly after childbirth due to "complications." You know, this really isn't the "scariest" scary movie. I mean, sure, in the late '60s, Satanism must've been a more serious, tangible threat. Today, that fear hovers right below getting your dick pics intercepted by the NSA. However, the thought of losing a child because of an arrogant doctor and his medical miscalculations is still HORRIFYING.

5. The Brood (1979)
First things first -- when your baby is born, check to make sure that it has an umbilical cord/belly button. If it doesn't, it's either a.) Adam, first son of God, or b.) a member of THE BROOD, a collection of deformed, murderous dwarf children that were created in an external womb from psychoplasmic rage experiments on Nola Carveth (Samantha Eggar). It's a thing.

6. It's Alive (1974)
This one hits closer to home because it's about a couple's SECOND child. I'm thankful that science has come a long way in 40 years -- now we have genetic testing the explicitly rules out vicious mutant monster babies that kill when frightened.

7. Prometheus (2012)
In a movie filled with bullshit, this surgery scene is one of the bullshittiest. I'm not even offended by the automated surgery capsule -- those effects are actually kind of cool. I'm more disturbed by the ability of Elizabeth Shaw (Noomi Rapace) to basically perform defensive aerobics immediately after having a basketball-sized squid removed from her sliced-open belly. If anything, though, this scene gives me faith in a speedy recovery for my wife if she happens to have a C-section.

8. Dawn of the Dead (2004)
Last week, Patrick and I had an EPIC(?) disagreement(?) over which version of Dawn of the Dead we each like more. He prefers the original, while I lean toward visionary filmmaker Zack Snyder's remake. One of Patrick's bigger issues with that movie, however, is the appearance of ZOMBIE BABY. He might have a point. But I say SCREW THAT. In fact, if DotD '04 didn't have zombie baby, then we wouldn't have Mike Pomaro's best Halloween costume, like, ever (pic above). In conclusion? We're both right.

9. Dead Alive (1992)



Speaking of ZOMBIE BABIES ...

And with that I'll be taking a couple of weeks off. Wish us luck!

26 comments:

  1. Congrats Doug and Mrs. Doug!

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  2. Congratulations. As a recent 'second-timer', things go much more smoothly this time around. Hope it all goes well, and see you around. :)

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  3. Congratulations Doug!

    I remember last Father's Day, shortly after I found out my wife was pregnant, I saw some sports stars talking about how their children's births were the most amazing days of their lives and I was like, seriously? Better than winning the Super Bowl? Get the fuck out. Then it happened and I was like, whoah (whoah!), I get it. Hope it's just as special the second time around, bud. Good luck!

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  4. Holy shit, that poster for Proxy looks awesome.

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  5. And congrats! I hope the baby kicks ass!

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  6. Congrats Doug! Good luck to both of you.

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  7. I'd like to un-recommend the beginning of Orphan too. (And recommend the shit out of the rest of Orphan. It's crazyballs.)

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  8. You gotta see "Proxy" Doug but, yeah, maybe wait a bit. I would also recommend seeing Parker's film "Scalene" which preceded "Proxy". Parker is someone to keep an eye on.

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  9. Congratulations Doug! I would add Butterfly Effect, well not that you would normally spin that but especially around pregnant folk.

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  10. Congratulations! The second time is the charm

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  11. I'd also skip Eraserhead.

    Congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Doug! And remember to make sure the doctors have a machine that goes ping.

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  12. I watched It's Alive a couple weeks before my wife delivered twins. For some reason, she wouldn't watch it with me.

    Anyway, congrats!

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  13. I would also steer clear of anything featuring Scott Caan (KHAN!). Just because you don't want to look at your kid and get depressed about what they may turn in to.

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    Replies
    1. Or, if it's a girl, that she might date Scot Caan.

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  14. Congrats Doug! Funny timing; my wife and I are expecting our first little Z next week. What are good movies to recommend for the expecting people?

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    1. My wife watched The Incredibles in the hospital. It was darn cute.

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  15. But whatever you do, DO NOT watch Three Men and A Baby, that would just be irresponsible.

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  16. Thanks Clint and Charles! We just watched Labor Day, and she was hitting the fast forward hard anytime there was a flashback. She enjoyed it overall, though I was having flashbacks to Interstellar with its near-continuous music that ebbs and flows throughout the movie.

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  17. I've been wondering if visionary director Zack Snyder earned his title by being a visionary, in the sense of using new techniques, or simply because his work has a very visionary style. Meaning, that he only focuses on visuals and thus is more of a "visionary" director than an actual director. Either way, I hope to one day have an arbitrarily assigned title in front of my name.

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    1. "From left-handed writer Patrick Bromley..."

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    2. Scalene is a much different film than Proxy. It's an "actors" movie so I would say he well balanced albeit only basing this on two films.

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  18. Probably the worst movie not to see also would be Grace ;)

    All the best Doug. Hope fully and smooth pregnancy and if its a boy you've gotta go for Patrick ;)

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  19. Damn I get so many typo's!

    As above (so below) :)

    Please ignore them. I'm not illiterate, honestly

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  20. Wow, thanks everyone for your kind, supportive words! No baby yet, but it should happen any day now (I'll keep you posted). And then, Proxy.

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