F This Movie! - F This Summer! (2011)

Patrick, Doug and JB look back at the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs and creamy middles of Summer 2011.



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Sh!#ting on the Classics: Horrible Beatles Movies

The Beatles are inarguably the most famous, most influential, and most beloved pop group in history. Radio stations still program “Breakfast with the Beatles” on weekend mornings. A recent trailer designed to get theater patrons to silence their cell phones features “All Together Now.” What other band could chart an album forty years after it broke up? (Sure, maybe the Mills Brothers. Why won’t they call me?)

For the short time they were a recording unit, the Beatles gave us everything they had—more than 250 infectious, beautiful songs that speak to every generation. One would think that they had done enough.  Let them be.

The curse of a capitalist society is that art must be commoditized to yield further profit; no stone is left unturned in the name of money and artistic license. The Beatles have been the victims of some of the worst artistic shit storms of the twentieth century. Put on your Hazmat suit; this sewer is deep and fragrant.

F Directors! #9: Robert Zemeckis

Today's F Directors! entry examines the long and varied career of Academy Award Winner and Northern Illinois University dropout Robert Zemeckis. Let's all get dead in the eyes and mo-cap our way through a list of his most important movies.

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (August 26)

I'm going to apologize in advance for this VERY Chicago-centric introduction. Sorry readers from lesser cities! Does anyone watch WGN-TV morning news? Specifically, entertainment reporter Dean Richards and his craptacular "Dean's List" (you get it) segment? GOD HE IS THE WORST. From mispronouncing "biopic," to mistaking the 1990 remake of Night of the Living Dead for the original, he's an ass-kissing, TMZ-caliber insider (and one step away from writing the "Stars -- They're Just Like Us!" column for Us Weekly). While defenders (and Dean Richards himself) might claim he's a rebel by citing his (now famous?) encounter with Mel Gibson, true Chicagoans know he's just a trumped up voiceover actor. What bothers me the most is that he honestly considers himself as a bona fide film critic. Guy thought Inception was too confusing, but LOVED Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides! Which is a very weird movie to champion! He even gave The Smurfs a pass. I wouldn't even be all that irked if he just owned his hackiness. Seriously, Dean Richards needs to trip and fall (again), because the last thing we need is another one of these. "It's not that hard being a film cricket" -Dean Richards, most definitely.

F This Movie! - Star Trek (2009) (200th Post!)

Patrick and Mike are such nerds.



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Also discussed this episode: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II, Conan the Barbarian (2011), Fright Night (2011)

Review: Tucker & Dale vs. Evil

I recently got around to seeing Stake Land, the 2010 vampire movie that's pretty much Zombieland (right down to the "land" part) but with vampires. And it's deadly, deadly serious. Sometimes too serious. And while that seriousness sometimes dares to cross over into pretentiousness, I had to give it to the movie for sticking to its guns (wooden stakes) and never trying to crack jokes or waste time "satirizing" the "conventions" of the vampire "genre." We're living in the Age of Irony now, where there are quotes around everything and where it's way easier to to guard yourself against ever seeming too sincere or silly by letting the audience know that it's all a big goof anyway; if something seems lame it's because it's supposed to be lame or if it doesn't work it's because it's not supposed to work. It's "satire," see?

Sh!#ting on the Classics: Directors!

Today’s lecture concerns directors who shit on their own classics. Yes, I am looking at you, George Lucas.

Take Two: Masters of the Universe

I must not have been the most discerning of 10-year olds, because at one point in my life I thought Masters of the Universe was a pretty ok movie. That's weird, because it's not as though I liked every movie I saw at age 10. 1987 was the same year I saw Spaceballs and didn't like it at all, and it was the one first-run movie my family saw that year. We were supposed to see Harry and the Hendersons (though I really wanted to see Predator), which I saw on video several months later and really didn't like either. That movie is still terrible and anyone who likes it shouldn't be trusted. I'm serious. What I'm saying is that I did have some sort of shit detector even at 10, and for some reason the He-Man movie didn't set it off.

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (August 19)

Now that a big chunk of trailers for next year's tent pole films have been released, we're getting slammed with snoozers. Dreck. Basura. Shitty movies, is what I'm saying. Stuff like Underworld: Awakening (release date: May 18, 2012) and A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (release date: Nov. 4, 2011), which is pretty typical for late summer/early fall (right before "Awards Season" [tm]). HOWEVER, at least Underworld and Harold & Kumar know exactly what they are -- very specific types of movies (i.e., lame) made for very specific types of people (i.e., not me). Two of the three movies after the jump are just plain bad (though the last one looks awesome). Well, "bad" might be the wrong word. Boring? Misguided? Superfluous? You tell me.

F This Movie! - Dune

Patrick and Mark Ahn are hooked on spice.



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Also discussed this episode: The Guard, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, The Man from Nowhere, 13 Assassins, Robin Hood (2010), Final Destination 5

Sh!#ting on the Classics: The Sound of Music

I must admit that I came late to the Sound of Music party.  When I finally did see it, a scant two months ago, something really surprised me.  Curious? Hit the “Read More” button, baby.

F These Teen Movies Named After Songs

Writing a teen movie is hard work. Just kidding! No it isn't. But naming them sure is hard. You have to stand in front of all your CDs (or albums if you're John Hughes, R.I.P.) and pick a song that maybe has something/nothing to do with your movie, but that can be played during the end credits so that there's at least one good thing in your movie. WHEW! I'm tired. Let's get down to it.

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (August 12)

Guys! I FINALLY saw Transformers: Dark of the Soul (JB's joke) this week, and WOAH! What a ... thing it was! Have you seen it yet? If you haven't, DON'T! So loud and sexist and BORING and confusing but also DUMB. Shouting! A CGI/wax figure JFK! Robots blowing the shit out of the Lincoln Memorial! And Michael Bay! What an asshole! Also, guys, I'm worried about Buzz Aldrin. Michael Bay must have medicine that Mr. Aldrin desperately needs, because, otherwise, HUH?!?! Guess you could say I was sucked in by shots of Chicago in the trailer. NEVER AGAIN! For a much better analysis of the movie, please read Patrick's review. Smart guy, Patrick.

F This Movie! - That Thing You Do!

Patrick and guest host Erich Asperschlager are smitten with '60s pop music, magical black men and Liv Tyler as they discuss 1996's That Thing You Do!, written and directed by Tom Hanks.



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Also discussed this episode: Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Captain America: The First Avenger, Cowboys & Aliens, Super, The Blob (1958), Unknown

Sh!#ting on the Classics: Blade Runner

Wait - what? Blade Runner? YES. I am seething with righteous anger. Wait! Give me a minute. Sit down. This is going to take awhile.

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (August 5)

My wife and I got Blue Valentine in the mail from Netflix about five weeks(!) ago. It's just sitting on our table, collecting dust. I really can't bring myself to watch it, even though I know it's good. Thing is, I also know it's a hard movie to watch. Like, isn't it about falling OUT of love, and the pain and heartache associated with loss? And, while those movies are often "good," they sometimes feel like work. And, at the end of the day, isn't it way easier to re-watch The Blues Brothers for the 80th time on HDNet? Because that's what we did two nights ago. And I don't regret it.

F This Movie! - Cowboys & Aliens

Patrick and JB talk cowboys, aliens and Cowboys & Aliens.



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Also discussed this episode: A Little Help, The Smurfs, Winnie the Pooh

Sh!#ting on the Classics: (500) Days of Summer

I think I liked (500) Days of Summer better the first time I saw it, when it was called (Every) Other Romantic Comedy Ever Made.

Review: Attack the Block (Mike's Take)

Last week while in San Diego for Comic-Con, I was fortunate enough to see Attack the Block followed by a Q & A with writer/director Joe Cornish, producer Edgar Wright, and star John Boyega. I couldn’t have asked for a better start to my geeky weekend.