Monday, December 10, 2018

Riske Business: The 2018 Binness Awards

by Adam Riske
The only awards show where no one is snubbed!

90 Minute Movie That Felt Like 3 Hours: Proud Mary

Angriest I Got During A Movie: The entirety of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Aww Hell Naw! Gamora’s fate in Avengers: Infinity War

Best Action Movie from 2003: SuperFly (2018)

Best Action Sequence: Helicopter finale, Mission: Impossible: Fallout

Best Actor in A VH1 Biopic: Rami Malek, Bohemian Rhapsody

Best British Horror Anthology From 2018 with Martin Freeman: Ghost Stories
Best Climax: Suspiria (2018)

Best Comeback: Spike Lee, BlacKkKlansman

Best Comedy That’s Never Funny: Crazy Rich Asians

Best Delayed Sequel: The Strangers: Prey at Night

Best “Fuck Yeah!” Moment: John Cho knocking popcorn out of that punk’s hands, Searching

Best Headache: Hereditary

Best Movie No One Saw: Tully

Best Movie to Watch on an Airplane: Chappaquiddick

Best On-Screen Duo: Winona Ryder & Keanu Reeves, Destination Wedding

Best Soccer Team: Den of Thieves

Best Soundtrack: A Star is Born (2018)

Best Supporting Actor: Cheddar Goblin, Mandy

Best Supporting Actress: Joey King, Slender Man

Best Waterfall Combat Sequence: All of them in Black Panther

Biggest Disappointment: Sicario: Day of the Soldado

Blandest: Tomb Raider (2018)

Bloodiest: Revenge (2018)

Bullshit: Thoroughbreds

Coma: Christopher Robin

Complete Nonsense: Venom

Cutest Mom: Wendi McLendon-Covey, Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween

Decent: The House with a Clock in its Walls
Did That Really Just Happen? “Say hi to your mother for me,” Mile 22

Double Decent: Halloween (2018)

Favorite Performance: Ethan Hawke, First Reformed

Freakiest Scene: The bear that screamed like a human in Annihilation

Fuck You Too: Skyscraper

Funniest (tie): Gotti, Speed Kills

Godawful but Well-Made: Isle of Dogs

Has 1 Good Minute: Rampage

Hot Jewish Cinema That’s Somehow Not Hot: Disobedience

I Can’t Believe I Saw: Mid90s

I Don’t Like Movies Anymore: A Wrinkle in Time

I Mean, Sure? Super Troopers 2

It’s A Perfect Movie: Hell Fest

It’s Fine: Creed II

It’s Funny: Game Night

I Wish I Liked It More: First Man

I Would’ve Quit for Sure: Filmworker

Laziest Sex Scene: Red Sparrow

Like A Good Mad TV Sketch: Sorry to Bother You
Loudest: Overlord

Made Me Hungry: Green Book

Meanest: Unfriended: Dark Web

Meh: White Boy Rick

Most Annoying: Bad Times at the El Royale

Most Average Comedy From 2005: Blockers

Most Depressing (tie): Eighth Grade and Three Identical Strangers

Most Exhausting: Deadpool 2

Most Generic: The Nun

Most Heartfelt: Won’t You Be My Neighbor?

Most Hyper: Teen Titans Go! To the Movies

Most Redbox: Hotel Artemis

Most Unintentionally Hilarious: On Chesil Beach

Movie I Want to Hug: Paddington 2

Movies Are Dumb: Pacific Rim: Uprising

Movie Saver: Anne Hathaway, Ocean’s 8

Movie That Hates You: The Predator

Movie That Wants to Curb You: Summer of 84
Not as Good as Waiting…: Support the Girls

Not for Me Unfortunately: The Domestics

Only Because Of AMC Stubs A-List: Operation Finale

Outlier: I thought The Incredibles 2 was boring

Pleasant: Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation

Pleasant Surprise (tie): The Equalizer 2, Instant Family

Rabbit Movie Power Ranking: 1) The Favourite, 2) Peter Rabbit

Saddest Bastards: Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald

Saw It Three Times: Little Italy

Saw It to Write A Funny Review & Then No One Commented on the Review For: The Hurricane Heist

Shitematography: Solo: A Star Wars Story

Should Be Studied in A Museum: Death Wish (2018)

Silliest: Blumhouse’s Truth or Dare

Sneakily Sexy: Ant-Man and the Wasp

That Was Just Lovely: Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again

That Was This Year? The Commuter

A Bit Too Quiet: A Quiet Place

Triple Decent with Good Leanings: Upgrade

Ugh! The Meg
Underrated Kinda: Unsane

Underseen: You Were Never Really Here

Very Good When It’s Not Very Bad: A Simple Favor

Walkouts: The Death of Stalin, Tag

What Are Kids Movies Anymore? Dr. Seuss’ The Grinch

Worst Chicago Accent: Colin Farrell, Widows

Worst Comedy From 2002: Action Point

Worst Movie: The Happytime Murders

Worst Narration: Ready Player One

WTF x Infinity: Kin


  1. Thank you for identifying what Bohemian Rhapsody was for me. I could not place what I thought it was but VH1 biopic is the perfect comparison. Look forward to this column each year!

  2. I like to think that on his first day of Widows, there was a point where Robert Duvall leaned in and said "knock it off, Colin. Talk like a fuckin' human." And Steve McQueen had to sadly tell him that they already shot most of Colin Farrell's scenes, and they had to stick with it.

  3. The Commuter has actually come out every year in January for the last 18 years.

    Hell Fest I would give the Ray Durham award, it does everything really good, but not great, but I always loved the really good players, not the great ones.

    1. This is the best comment of the year. Ray Durham put it over the top.

    2. Jeez thanks,I better retire now.

    3. I agree with Adam on this. A Ray Durham reference is grounds to just shut the comments down altogether. Only downhill from here.

    4. The only way to top it is if Ray Durham commented he too thought Hell Fest was a perfect movie.

  4. This is honestly the only awards list that makes me happy because it's both true and hilarious. Blessings to you.


  5. Saw It to Write A Funny Review & Then No One Commented on the Review For and Loudest made me laugh pretty hard.

  6. The Binness awards is the best awards! Thank you Adam. Thoughts:

    Good to see some love for Superfly.

    I thought Super Troopers 2 (I had to scroll up and check that was the correct title...Super Troopers? That can't be right.) was hilarious. It spent a good deal of it's run time playing on Canadian stereotypes, which I found humourous. I'm not a big fan of the first one (which landed a bit after my "college years"), particularly, so it wasn't a nostalgia boost.

    I don't know a single person who has seen You Were Never Really Here. Not counting internet persons. Or myself, I guess. I'm still mulling it over.

    I'm going to have to deviate, however, and say The Happytime Murders is one of my favourite comedies of this year. I don't get the hate for it (not from you, but just from everyone). It was great, raunchy, funny, great puppetry, everything I wanted from it. But apparently everyone hates it. Oh, well.

  7. Gotta agree on Incredibles 2. So dull.