Monday, December 10, 2018

Riske Business: The 2018 Binness Awards

by Adam Riske
The only awards show where no one is snubbed!

90 Minute Movie That Felt Like 3 Hours: Proud Mary

Angriest I Got During A Movie: The entirety of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Aww Hell Naw! Gamora’s fate in Avengers: Infinity War

Best Action Movie from 2003: SuperFly (2018)

Best Action Sequence: Helicopter finale, Mission: Impossible: Fallout

Best Actor in A VH1 Biopic: Rami Malek, Bohemian Rhapsody

Best British Horror Anthology From 2018 with Martin Freeman: Ghost Stories
Best Climax: Suspiria (2018)

Best Comeback: Spike Lee, BlacKkKlansman

Best Comedy That’s Never Funny: Crazy Rich Asians

Best Delayed Sequel: The Strangers: Prey at Night

Best “Fuck Yeah!” Moment: John Cho knocking popcorn out of that punk’s hands, Searching

Best Headache: Hereditary

Best Movie No One Saw: Tully

Best Movie to Watch on an Airplane: Chappaquiddick

Best On-Screen Duo: Winona Ryder & Keanu Reeves, Destination Wedding

Best Soccer Team: Den of Thieves

Best Soundtrack: A Star is Born (2018)

Best Supporting Actor: Cheddar Goblin, Mandy

Best Supporting Actress: Joey King, Slender Man

Best Waterfall Combat Sequence: All of them in Black Panther

Biggest Disappointment: Sicario: Day of the Soldado

Blandest: Tomb Raider (2018)

Bloodiest: Revenge (2018)

Bullshit: Thoroughbreds

Coma: Christopher Robin

Complete Nonsense: Venom

Cutest Mom: Wendi McLendon-Covey, Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween

Decent: The House with a Clock in its Walls
Did That Really Just Happen? “Say hi to your mother for me,” Mile 22

Double Decent: Halloween (2018)

Favorite Performance: Ethan Hawke, First Reformed

Freakiest Scene: The bear that screamed like a human in Annihilation

Fuck You Too: Skyscraper

Funniest (tie): Gotti, Speed Kills

Godawful but Well-Made: Isle of Dogs

Has 1 Good Minute: Rampage

Hot Jewish Cinema That’s Somehow Not Hot: Disobedience

I Can’t Believe I Saw: Mid90s

I Don’t Like Movies Anymore: A Wrinkle in Time

I Mean, Sure? Super Troopers 2

It’s A Perfect Movie: Hell Fest

It’s Fine: Creed II

It’s Funny: Game Night

I Wish I Liked It More: First Man

I Would’ve Quit for Sure: Filmworker

Laziest Sex Scene: Red Sparrow

Like A Good Mad TV Sketch: Sorry to Bother You
Loudest: Overlord

Made Me Hungry: Green Book

Meanest: Unfriended: Dark Web

Meh: White Boy Rick

Most Annoying: Bad Times at the El Royale

Most Average Comedy From 2005: Blockers

Most Depressing (tie): Eighth Grade and Three Identical Strangers

Most Exhausting: Deadpool 2

Most Generic: The Nun

Most Heartfelt: Won’t You Be My Neighbor?

Most Hyper: Teen Titans Go! To the Movies

Most Redbox: Hotel Artemis

Most Unintentionally Hilarious: On Chesil Beach

Movie I Want to Hug: Paddington 2

Movies Are Dumb: Pacific Rim: Uprising

Movie Saver: Anne Hathaway, Ocean’s 8

Movie That Hates You: The Predator

Movie That Wants to Curb You: Summer of 84
Not as Good as Waiting…: Support the Girls

Not for Me Unfortunately: The Domestics

Only Because Of AMC Stubs A-List: Operation Finale

Outlier: I thought The Incredibles 2 was boring

Pleasant: Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation

Pleasant Surprise (tie): The Equalizer 2, Instant Family

Rabbit Movie Power Ranking: 1) The Favourite, 2) Peter Rabbit

Saddest Bastards: Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald

Saw It Three Times: Little Italy

Saw It to Write A Funny Review & Then No One Commented on the Review For: The Hurricane Heist

Shitematography: Solo: A Star Wars Story

Should Be Studied in A Museum: Death Wish (2018)

Silliest: Blumhouse’s Truth or Dare

Sneakily Sexy: Ant-Man and the Wasp

That Was Just Lovely: Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again

That Was This Year? The Commuter

A Bit Too Quiet: A Quiet Place

Triple Decent with Good Leanings: Upgrade

Ugh! The Meg
Underrated Kinda: Unsane

Underseen: You Were Never Really Here

Very Good When It’s Not Very Bad: A Simple Favor

Walkouts: The Death of Stalin, Tag

What Are Kids Movies Anymore? Dr. Seuss’ The Grinch

Worst Chicago Accent: Colin Farrell, Widows

Worst Comedy From 2002: Action Point

Worst Movie: The Happytime Murders

Worst Narration: Ready Player One

WTF x Infinity: Kin

13 comments:

  1. Thank you for identifying what Bohemian Rhapsody was for me. I could not place what I thought it was but VH1 biopic is the perfect comparison. Look forward to this column each year!

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  2. I like to think that on his first day of Widows, there was a point where Robert Duvall leaned in and said "knock it off, Colin. Talk like a fuckin' human." And Steve McQueen had to sadly tell him that they already shot most of Colin Farrell's scenes, and they had to stick with it.

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  3. The Commuter has actually come out every year in January for the last 18 years.

    Hell Fest I would give the Ray Durham award, it does everything really good, but not great, but I always loved the really good players, not the great ones.

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    1. This is the best comment of the year. Ray Durham put it over the top.

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    2. Jeez thanks,I better retire now.

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    3. I agree with Adam on this. A Ray Durham reference is grounds to just shut the comments down altogether. Only downhill from here.

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    4. The only way to top it is if Ray Durham commented he too thought Hell Fest was a perfect movie.

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  4. This is honestly the only awards list that makes me happy because it's both true and hilarious. Blessings to you.

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  5. Saw It to Write A Funny Review & Then No One Commented on the Review For and Loudest made me laugh pretty hard.

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  6. The Binness awards is the best awards! Thank you Adam. Thoughts:

    Good to see some love for Superfly.

    I thought Super Troopers 2 (I had to scroll up and check that was the correct title...Super Troopers? That can't be right.) was hilarious. It spent a good deal of it's run time playing on Canadian stereotypes, which I found humourous. I'm not a big fan of the first one (which landed a bit after my "college years"), particularly, so it wasn't a nostalgia boost.

    I don't know a single person who has seen You Were Never Really Here. Not counting internet persons. Or myself, I guess. I'm still mulling it over.

    I'm going to have to deviate, however, and say The Happytime Murders is one of my favourite comedies of this year. I don't get the hate for it (not from you, but just from everyone). It was great, raunchy, funny, great puppetry, everything I wanted from it. But apparently everyone hates it. Oh, well.

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  7. Gotta agree on Incredibles 2. So dull.

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