Wednesday, December 9, 2020

The 2020 Binness Awards

 by Adam Riske

The weirdest year for movies in our lifetimes. Let's pass out some awards!

Best Actor in an Okay Movie: Vince Vaughn, Freaky

Best Actress in an Aggressively Average Movie: Margot Robbie, Birds of Prey

Best Comic Book Movie: My Comic Shop Country

Best Concert: David Byrne’s American Utopia

Best Creature Feature: Underwater

Best Documentary: Jasper Mall

Best Duo: Diane Lane and Kevin Costner, Let Him Go

Best Host: Clancy Brown, The Mortuary Collection

Best Looking (Faces): Happiest Season

Best Looking (Places): On the Rocks

Best Olive Garden Jokes: Sonic the Hedgehog

Best Performance: Delroy Lindo, Da 5 Bloods

Best Plot Twist:
Will Smith has been under a witch’s curse for three movies, Bad Boys for Life

Best Romance:

Best Sports Documentary: The Kid from Coney Island

Better Late than Never: Hamilton

Better than The Relic: Relic
Biggest Surprise: I enjoyed Hubie Halloween

Blech: 7500

Depressing: Happy Happy Joy Joy: The Ren & Stimpy Story

Did I Hallucinate It: An American Pickle

Dumbest Shit Ever: Project Power

Eh: Bruce Springsteen’s Letter to You

Enough Already: The Trip to Greece

Fun: Jiu Jitsu

Fun Until It’s Not: Class Action Park
Good Movie. Never Watching it Again: The Outpost

Good Movie. Wish I Liked Their Music More: Beastie Boys Story

Grossest: Color Out of Space

Hidden Gem: The Wolf of Snow Hollow

I Can’t Believe I Watched: Not for Resale: A Video Game Story Documentary

I Definitely Fell Asleep During: Gretel & Hansel

I Dunno…Recommended? Mank

I Miss: RoboPatriot not making an appearance in Tales from the Hood 3

I Once Made Up a Theme Song For: I Used to Go Here (ask Rob)

It’s Aight: Howard
It’s Fine: Bill & Ted Face the Music

I Weep for the Children: Scoob!

Killed Comedy:
The Lovebirds

Last Movie Seen in a Movie Theater’s Parking Lot: Tenet

Last Movie Seen in an Indoor Movie Theater: Bloodshot

Like a Movie from 2001: The Gentlemen

Like a Movie from 2007: The King of Staten Island

Like Bounce but with a Basketball: The Way Back

Like Bounce Had a Baby with a Lowe’s Gift Card: The Secret: Dare to Dream
Like Eating at Applebee’s when you Wanted to Eat at Chili’s: The Old Guard

Longest End Credits: Extraction

Looks like Reserved Seating Royalty, Alison Lohman: Maria Bakalova, Borat Subsequent Moviefilm

Meanest: Random Acts of Violence

More Please: Host

Most The Babadook: Come Play

Most Clamoring for an MTV Movie Award Nomination for Best Villain: Anne Hathaway, The Witches (2020)

Most Directed: The Vast of Night

Most Donnie Darko:
Horse Girl
Most Impressed with Itself: The Trial of the Chicago 7

Most Inspiring: You Cannot Kill David Arquette

Most John Malkovich in Rounders:
Anya Taylor-Joy, The New Mutants

Most Music Box Theatre: Saint Frances

Most Outdoors: First Cow

Most Overstuffed:
The Christmas Chronicles 2

Most Pleasant: Palm Springs

Most Surprisingly Invested Performance: Harrison Ford, The Call of the Wild

Most Suspenseful:

Most Tribeca: The Assistant

Most V/H/S: The Rental
Most WB Show from 2004: The Broken Hearts Gallery

Movie I Like Even Less than China: Mulan (2020)

Movie I Like Less than Everyone Else:
The Invisible Man (2020)

Movie I Like More than Everyone Else: Onward

Movie Ruined by the Most Annoying Rap Song I’ve Ever Heard: The Donut King

Not for Me: VFW

Nothing to Say: Wolfman’s Got Nards

Not My Critic:
What She Said: The Art of Pauline Kael

Oh Shit. I Kinda Liked: The Princess Switch 2: Switched Again
“Papa, Can You Hear Me?”: Possessor

Pleasant Surprise: Holidate

Pretty Good: The Opening Act

Really Funny When It’s Funny: Eurovision Song Contest

Saddest: Spontaneous

Shittiest: Capone (2020)

Showtime Free Trial: Belushi

So Bad It Should Be Against the Law: Fatal Affair

Still Not Convinced Showgirls is Good: You Don’t Nomi
That’s the Ending? The Turning

Ugh: Rebecca (2020)

Unbearable: Greed (2020)

Wait, That Was This Year? Greyhound

Weirdest Mid-Credits Scene: Cut Throat City

Well, Good Luck to Ya: Scream, Queen! My Nightmare on Elm Street

Whatever: She Dies Tomorrow

William Friedkin Power Ranking: 1) Friedkin Uncut, 2) Leap of Faith: William Friedkin on The Exorcist

Worst Movie:
Artemis Fowl
Worst Remake: The Grudge (2020)

Worst Sports Documentary: 50 Summers

Yikes: Unhinged

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