Heavy Action: Rumble in the Bronx/The Replacement Killers

Welcome to America, boys. We're sorry.

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (April 27)

TRAILER NEWZ! The new Brave trailer provides more backstory on Princess Merida and her complicated relationship with her Scottish family (her mom seems like a real witch with a "B," if you catch my drift). The new version of The Dark Knight Rises preview is rumored to premiere before The Avengers on May 4. And the trailer for The Avengers XXX: A Porn Parody is INCREDIBLY DISAPPOINTING. Ya heard it here first, F-Heads!

Actors We Love

These are the men we like best to watch on screen, even if we don't always like what it is we're watching.

F This Movie! - Heat

At long last, this podcast features the legendary meeting between Patrick and Alex as they sit in a diner and talk about Heat.



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Also discussed this episode: Bonnie & Clyde, Tiny Furniture, Comic-Con Episode IV: A Fan's Hope

Find the New York Times piece on The Master that Alex talks about here.

I'll Watch Anything: JB Watches The American President

 When I discovered that Patrick intended to make I’ll Watch Anything a (semi) regular feature here, I was, quite frankly, shocked. One thing Patrick and I agree on is how obnoxiously some people will insist you watch their favorite movie, especially once it becomes clear in the workplace or family that you are the MOVIE GUY. I have been teaching Film Studies in a public high school for almost thirty years, so imagine how many times well-meaning (pain-in-the-ass) colleagues have brought me their copy of Boondock Saints or Requiem for a Dream and INSIST THAT I WATCH IT. Similarly, students just starting out on their personal “movie journeys” are always asking me if I have ever seen A Clockwork Orange or Evil Dead 2 or Fight Club or Eraserhead, as if they are the only ones who have ever heard of these movies.

Patrick and I once admitted to each other that we would often take the goddamned DVD, just to get the person off our backs, keep it for a few days, and return it unwatched, with a knowing nod and a declaration of “Interesting!”

So Patrick has suggested that I watch Rob Reiner and Aaron Sorkin’s 1995 film, The American President. This I have done. What did I think of it?

Interesting.

Heavy Action: Invasion U.S.A./Code of Silence

I don't get it with Chuck Norris. I know he's a legend and became one of the very first action stars ever, so this column might not even exist without him. Maybe my disinterest in him is because I didn't come up with him in the '70s, and by the time I started watching action movies in the '80s he was already being overshadowed by the guys who followed in his footsteps -- your Arnolds, your Slys, your Anthony Michael Halls. Maybe it's because he's completely wooden in every movie I've ever seen him. It's probably that one. It's for sure that one.

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (April 20)

Sure, it's old news by now, but did you see that Tupac Shakur hologram at the Coachella music festival? Some people (my wife) were blown away by the lifelike interplay between ghost Tupac and Snoop Dogg. I, on the other hand, was UNIMPRESSED. C'mon America! We've got light years to go before we match the holographic artistry of Hatsune Miku, Asia's biggest pop star. The Japanese, once again, are schooling us.

Heavy Action: The Raid: Redemption

The Raid: Redemption is being called one of the best action movies of all time. It is not.

This does not mean it is not awesome. It is.

F This Movie! - Our Favorite Westerns

Saddle up and ride out with Patrick and JB as they count down some of their favorite westerns, debate "huckleberry" versus "huckle bearer" and drink a large glass of warm gin with a human hair in it.



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Also discussed this episode: Man of the West, Chinatown, Popatopolis, The Spirit

Sh!#ting on the Classics: The Three Stooges

I feel like poking the Farrelly Brothers in the eyes.

Review: The Cabin in the Woods

Do not read this review.

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (April 13)

I know you're itching for the latest trailerz, but I have a few questions first. Has anyone else seen those WeatherTech commercials advertising vehicle floor liners? The one where the guy points a red light at a car's carpet and the narrator tries to convince us that the mats are "laser measured" (I don't even know what that means!)? HOW IS THIS COMPANY IN BUSINESS? Is America's demand for all-weather plastic floor coverings that out of control? Am I oblivious to the hundreds of thousands of car interiors whose carpets are RUINED by snow, spilled coffee and (I'm assume) semen? Don't commercials and sponsorships cost a lot of money? Are floor mats from the car's manufacturer really that expensive? Or it because they're made in America, and I'll be dead in the cold, cold ground before I put my boots on plastic liners made in China? I get the feeling that this business is propped up by some insane Howard Hughes-like molded-plastic magnate who will not stop dumping money into this crazy scheme (probably the brainchild of his deadbeat nephew) until he's buried beneath a pile of his own urine jars. I'm just so confused, is what I'm saying!

F Directors! #12: Spike Lee

It's been a long time since our last F Directors! column, so today we're bringing it back in a big, bad way with a look at the essential films of Spike Lee, a guy whose movies aren't always good but are always worth seeing.

Heavy Action: Action Jackson

This one deserves its own column.

Sh!#ting on the Classics: An Open Letter to Tim Burton

Dear Timmy (Can I call you Timmy?)

We need to talk.

F This Movie! - American Reunion

Patrick and Doug saved the best slice for last. And then they spit it out, because it tasted awful.



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Also discussed this episode: The Hunger Games

Happy Easter from F This Movie!

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (April 6)

I know everyone important (i.e., readers of this site [e.g., F-Heads]) totes saw last week's teaser for the Total Recall trailer, but did any of you watch the actual trailer (release date: Aug. 3, 2012) that debuted on Sunday (because Jesus)? No? None of you did? That's OK; it wasn't very good! Well, that's not entirely true. It was a perfectly serviceable preview. For a beloved sci-fi movie from 1990 that did NOT need to be remade. Starring a lead actor who seems like he's an asshole in real life. And a lead actress who is inarguably attractive, but also dead inside. And a supporting actress who is maybe the hottest alien on the planet. And Bryan Cranston. Yeah. Here are a few other trailers that don't piss on Philip K. Dick's grave.

Doug Asks Patrick Questions About Movies

Patrick knows a lot about movies. Doug has seen The Efficiency Expert dozens of times. In an effort to expand Doug's cinematic horizons, he'll be asking Patrick questions about movies in a column we're calling "Doug Asks Patrick Questions About Movies."

F This Movie! - F Everything!

Patrick and Doug sit down for another free association show in which they discover the year's worst movie (so far), discuss movie characters' jobs and introduce the Best/Worst game. Prepare to be Silverstone'd with nerd juice.



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Discussed this episode: The Blues Brothers, Wrath of the Titans, 50/50, Friends with Benefits, 8 Million Ways to Die

Sh!#ting on the Classics: The Birds

Last Tuesday I attended the Turner Classic Movies screening of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds at Chicago’s Music Box Theatre, the happiest place on earth. But what I witnessed there did not make me happy at all.

I will resist the temptation to make jokes about birds shitting all over everything because in this case, a misguided audience shit all over The Birds.

Heavy Action: Unlikely Action Heroes

Not all action heroes are created equal.